Phantom Kicks

I had heard about "phantom kicks" when I was pregnant, but didn't really think too much about it then. However, the past few days, I have been experiencing these.

I've read about what scientists say regarding these and how they could be that women are simply more aware of movements in their uterus after pregnancy or that it can take quite a long time for the uterus to fully contract back to "normal" after pregnancy.

The scientific explanation really doesn't matter to much to me.  I feel these every once in awhile lately and they feel exactly like when Faith would kick me.  It is such an amazing feeling, yet, a sad feeling for me at the same time.

Anyone who has experienced these phantom kicks knows what they feel like.  I am sure for those that have their child, these may be a cool experience.

For me, these phantom kicks are sad reminders of my beautiful baby girl, Faith Melody, who is now in Heaven.

Another Day

Another day has gone by since I lost my beautiful baby girl.  Overall, I had a pretty good day.  I went for a good long walk with my husband, did Tae Bo (the entire 45 minute DVD), did some grocery shopping, did some work in the house and made salmon burgers for dinner.

I thought about Faith a lot, just as any other day.  For me, it seems like a daily revelation that she is gone.  I was resting in bed earlier watching a movie with my husband and I rubbed my belly, almost as if I expected her to be there.  Alas, of course, she was not.

I was reading something about grief the other day that said when you lose a child, in the beginning months your body has a reaction almost by shutting down and not recognizing what is going on.  I was aware that Faith died (I am really beginning to hate that word and all words associated with death), when it happened. However, due to all that happened, as well as moving, it is all really beginning to "sink in".

In a while, I will lay down and attempt to go to sleep.  If I am blessed with another day, I will wake up again, tomorrow will be yet another day that I must go on and live without my precious Faith Melody.

Alone

Since becoming the age that is considered an adult in our society (approx 18), I have ventured out on my own in life in many ways.  When I was 22 I moved away from my family, having been to a church that seemed like home to me.  Since then, I have not lived close to my immediate family.  Like my good friend, Gary says, I come from "the Waltons" family.  In many ways, he is accurate, for which I am very thankful.

Initially, upon moving, I would lay in bed crying wondering & praying "what have I done".  Little did I know that I had heard the call of God on my life and made the correct decision.  That path led me to know myself and who I am in Christ.  It also led me to my wonderful husband.

For the first handful of years after being married, I had a VERY difficult time not being with my immediate family for holidays (Thanksgiving & Christmas especially).  However, with time, faith, and wisdom, I have come to know and love the fact that my husband is my family now.  Knowing The Lord as I do, I also know that He is my family.

During numerous times since I moved away from the home where I was raised, I have felt alone.  Although never have I felt more alone than the moment I lost Faith.  I constantly re-play the day that I lost Faith.  I was surrounded by nurses and doctors.  I cannot think of a time in my life that so many people were around me that I have felt so alone.  After I went through labor and had my daughter, I remember a female voice saying to me "do you want to hold your baby?".  For some reason, my initial response to her was to ask if she was alive.  The woman responded "no".  I do not remember going back from the O.R. into my room.  I am sure they gave me something to calm me down.

I know that there are SO MANY people that have the pain of this loss as well.  For that, I am so sorry.  I can only know how I feel as I am grieving for my daughter and guess the pain others must feel.  I now have some of the best family and friends who are supporting me on this journey.  I call it a journey, as I now know that it will not truly end until I get to Heaven.  Faith is and will always be a part of me.  She is my daughter and I am her mother.  While I am doing my best to try to have "normal" days and do "normal" things, I will never be "normal" again.  A part of me is truly gone; I believe the best part.

Although The Lord is always with me and I am surrounded by a loving husband, great family, and wonderful friends, part of me will forever be...alone...

Reminders

Not a day goes by that I don't have so many reminders of Faith.  I'm not talking about just me thinking of her, either.  Anyone that has lost a child knows what I am talking about.  Almost everything can remind you of your child.  For me, songs are a HUGE reminder.  

I now watch or listen to some of my favorite bands DVDs or CDs and the songs are so appropriate to change the name to Faith or they talk about love in some way.  REALLY????  It is so difficult to live with constant reminders that she is not with me.  

There are certainly some times that I am happy and feel good.  I have a wonderful family and friends.  They are all so supportive.  I am blessed that they are all willing and happy to talk with me about Faith.  I know that she is alive and well in Heaven.  However, thinking of her happy in Heaven, is yet, another reminder to me that she is not with me.

Seeing other babies is very difficult.  Seeing pregnant women is difficult.  Seeing baby clothes is difficult.  Etc...

Well, I am going to go for this time and enjoy some time with my wonderful husband.  Tomorrow will be another day of...reminders...

Selfish

It is like a daily revelation for me that my daughter is not here with us.  It feels like it was just yesterday when I was rubbing my belly and so in love with her.  I am still in love with her, more and more each day.  I miss her so much.

I love her so much, but I know that she is in Heaven and not with us.  I have to remember that she wants me to be happy and enjoy my life until I meet her again.  Faith was only with us for a short time, but in that short time, she taught me so much.

While my heart hurts for not having my daughter with me, I also know that Jesus is raising Faith, and I could certainly not ask for a better teacher.  In a way, I am envious of Faith, because she went home before me.  I am selfish...by the real definition of the word.  Not selfish like I want a candy bar and I am two years old.  Selfish in the fact that my "SELF" wants to be with my daughter.

While it is strange to feel selfish, I search myself and realize that God created us to have certain emotions and feelings for a reason.

If you are going through loss, please remember that although the person you are missing is not here, the emotions and feelings you are having are normal and you were created to feel that way for a reason.

Faith's Godfather's Gift to Her

Diego Valdez, one of my dear friends wrote and performed this beautiful song as his gift to Faith.  It touches my heart so much that he would do that for her.  We, now, can share Faith with the rest of the world through this song.  She is and will always be a beautiful person.  

I chose some pictures that are special to me to accompany the beautiful song that Diego wrote.  These pictures remind me of my baby girl.  I can look at and hold these things close to my heart to remember her until I see her again one day.  This video is a wonderful way to share her love with you.  

Also, please remember, if you are going through this tremendous loss of a child, you are not alone.  By sharing about our precious babies, we can love and comfort one another. 

God Bless & Enjoy

Life is SO Precious

This is a video of Faith's heartbeat 5 days before she was born and left us.  I am so glad that we recorded this as well as two audio recordings of her heartbeat.  It is so beautiful to watch and listen to her when she was living on this earth with us.

Faith Melody Bryant's life on this earth, though short, is, and will always be, one of the most precious things to me.  It still hurts so bad that she is not with us.  I miss her so very much.  Please enjoy this small glimpse of her life, as we were able to enjoy it.  

Remember that every life is precious.  We need to love one another while we are here.  Life is so short.  Tell your loved ones that you love them NOW.  Life is SO precious.