Reflections in the Mirror

Let me begin this post by stating that Faith has my husband's bone structure in her face as well as his strong drummer legs, so please know that she looks like him.  I am focusing this post on my personal feelings when I see myself in the mirror, but I wanted to make it very clear that she looks like my husband as well as me.

I frequently look at myself in the mirror.  I guess we all do...getting ready, doing my hair, makeup, looking at my outfits, etc...

But the reflection looking back at me in the mirror has changed.  I now wear the loss of my only child in my eyes.  I look into my own eyes and see a different me.

But when I look at my face, and cannot help but see my daughter.  It is very strange, but somehow very comforting and peaceful at the same time.  I just imagine that she looks like me.  I can almost say that I love looking at my face in an odd way, not for any other reason, except that I see Faith there.

I miss my baby girl more than I can say.  But I I know that part of her still lives in me and I see her...every time I see my reflection.

Stuffed Animals

Yes, I am a 33 year old woman, who now sleeps with a teddy bear. The teddy bear you see in the picture in this post, to be precise.

I have been resting on my bed this evening, cuddling with the new stuffed dog that my husband gave me for our anniversary.  He has given me quite a number of stuffed animals over the years for different holidays/occasions.

This past Christmas, my husband gave me a stuffed Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and Woodstock (really they were for Faith).  I have really enjoyed receiving a vast array of different stuffed animals.  

Earlier while we were watching a movie, I was thinking of the comfort that I have found in holding my stuffed animals.  It may sound strange, but indeed, it is not, to me.  For anyone who has lost a loved one, especially, a child that is supposed to be in your arms, you know that the there is a real physical ache you feel of not having that person in your arms.

For me, being able to hold some of my stuffed animals has helped immensely.  

The teddy bear that I sleep with, is the one that the hospital had beside Faith the day she was born. Outside of the outfit I dressed her in, that teddy bear is one of the few items that we are blessed to have.  I have read so many posts on Facebook about people that have lost a child and have no pictures, hand and foot prints, or anything tangible.  That makes me so thankful that we have the items that we do have.

While I am very aware that this teddy bear is not my daughter, that does't mean I don't call the teddy bear Faith.  My Faith teddy bear is one of the most precious things I now own.  Holding this teddy bear brings me more comfort than I can explain, physically, as well as emotionally.  

Thunder & Rain - Peace During the Storm

Well, it is thundering and raining here right now.  I just made myself a tasty lunch and now I wanted to take a few moments for a break before I get back to housework.

I am really enjoying listening to the thunder and rain.  It is so calming to me for some reason.  I am reminded of God's promise to bring us peace, even in the midst of the storms of life.  He is doing that for me today.

I miss my daughter so very much, but the Lord is bringing me peace through my storm.  I know He still has great plans in store for me, but I must decide to get up and walk them out every day.  I simply cannot lay in bed.  I cannot pretend to be productive.  I cannot stay where I am emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  I have to move forward in the life He has given to me.

As I continue to listen to the thunder and rain this afternoon I will remember that He is carrying me through this storm and helping me to become who He wants me to be.

Sufficient Grace

Yesterday marked 11 years that my husband and I have known each other.  It was also the day that 2 gifts showed up in the mail for us.  One of these gifts was from Sufficient Grace Ministries.  When I found them on Facebook and read the founders' story, I felt very touched, as one of the daughters that she lost was named Faith.

I am certain that our Faiths are friends in Heaven today.  Here is a picture of what was included in the gift box, as well as a book for my husband (not in this pic).

I know that I will start adding to the Dreams of You book, which is very nice.  I also know that holding this bear will bring me much comfort.  I am already so blessed by this ministry, as I know many others who have lost children are.  

If you have lost a child, please reach out to this ministry.  They are wonderful and a huge blessing for those grieving a child who has gone to Heaven too soon.

There are so many great organizations and people out there available and willing to help in a lot of different ways.  I encourage you to take advantage of this ministry and any other helpful group with any tools they may offer.  We all grieve differently, and there is no wrong way to grieve.  I personally find a lot of help in tangible things.  The teddy bear that laid with Faith in the hospital will always be very special to me.  I also now have many other tangible things that aide me in my grief journey, some of which I will blog about later...

To read more about Sufficient Grace Ministries, please check them out here: www.sufficientgraceministries.org