Capture Your Grief - Day 30 - Reflection

Reflection was yesterday's Capture Your Grief topic.  Today, I will again go question by question on this topic, since there are only a few questions and I think it's the easiest route...

Q: What is your relationship with grief like right now?

A: My relationship with grief now is one of co-existence.  I don't know how to explain it any differently than that.  I live with grief every day.  I do not WALLOW in grief, but it is a part of me now.

Q: Is it still the same?

A: No, it is not the same.  I believe my grief changes on a daily basis.

Q: Has anything changed? 

A: Yes.  My grief is constantly changing.  Most of the time I try to focus on the wonderful time I was able to spend with Faith and my love for her.  

Q: What have you learned about yourself and your grief? 

A: I have learned so much about myself and my grief since Faith died.  I have learned that you can learn to live with grief in your everyday life without it overcoming you.  You control it (most of the time).  A lot of the time I can choose to have a good cry session to get out some needed grief.

Q: Did you love anything about this project? 

A: I love the fact that this project has given me the time out to think about Faith and to think about my relationship with her.  I also love that this project has given me something to give myself as a goal and I have actually done it!

Q: What did you find difficult?

A: Some days I found it difficult to take the time out to do my blog post for this project.  However, the couple times that I didn't do the post I caught it up on the next day, which is great for me!  I found it difficult to sit down and really focus on Faith.  Not that I don't think of her VERY frequently, but since I am so busy I don't often make the time to just focus some much needed time on my relationship with her and my grief for her.

Capture Your Grief - Day 24 - Choose Your Breath

Choose Your Breath is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  Most days I would say that I have a pretty good handle on where I am in my grief journey.  I certainly do believe that grief and healing can co-exist.  I believe I am living proof of that fact.

While I don't believe I will ever completely "heal" from losing Faith, I do believe that I am going through a healing process.  The Lord has restored so much back to me.  He has blessed us with another daughter, Joy, who truly does bring joy to my life every day.  She is so wonderful.  

By NO means does one child ever replace another.  However, I do believe that The Lord blessing us with Joy has helped me on my grief journey with Faith.  I am loving every moment I share with Joy.  At the same time, there are moments when I wonder what these "firsts" moments would have been like with Faith.

Joy is three months old today.  If Faith were here, she would be one year and six months old.  As strange as it is for me, I have a very strong, yet very different bond with both of my daughters.  I am blessed to hold and love Joy physically every day.  Faith I hold and love in my heart.  I've never known that so much love and so much pain could co-exist in a person's life, but it does...

Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

Normalizing Grief...that is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  As I take a look at my grief journey, I suppose the thing that I look at as "strange" is that I slept with the teddy bear that was with Faith in the hospital for the entire year after she died.  I still find enormous comfort in holding this bear, although I no longer sleep with it every night.  It is strange to me that I slept with it every night for so long, and yet, it is not strange.  I don't know if that even makes sense, but it does to me.  

With every passing day, I read about others' grief journeys and realize more and more that there is no "normal" way to go through loss.  It is normal to grieve, but we all do it in so many different ways.  I am also learning that like everything else in life, my grief changes sometimes by the minute, hour, and of course by the day.  Sometimes I choose to look back, remember, cry, and grieve.  Other times, it sneaks up on me in an uncontrollable wave of emotions.  Each time is different and yet special.

I know this teddy bear will always be one of my most prized possessions.  This bear and the outfit I dressed Faith in on the day she was born, are the only items I have that touched her.

I love and miss you so much Faith.

Capture Your Grief 2015

Last year I did this project called Capture Your Grief and it helped me tremendously.  October is So, I am doing it again this year.  You can see the details here.  It is 6:38 AM here and the sunrise doesn't happen until 7:22 AM, or so the internet told me... so I have a little while to let my coffee soak in...maybe I'll have a second cup!  

I am really looking forward to using this project to reflect on Faith this month.  I have changed so much since we lost her last April in so many ways.  

Please join me as I walk down this path...

Almost March...Missing Faith...

Earlier today, as I was texting some of my family and friends a 17 week picture of myself, I very unexpectedly broke down as I started thinking of Faith.  I realized that a year ago I was about this far along with her and we are quickly approaching her first birthday.  

I got out Faith's baby book and looked at her pictures, which, also, unexpectedly, brought me peace. I cried for quite a bit, missing her so much. I long to hold her in my arms so much.  

Although I am extremely thrilled to be pregnant again, I am experiencing so many different feelings and emotions.  Throw pregnancy hormones on top of that, and there you go. Most of the time, I feel fairly normal and good. But then I have those moments that I simply cannot control.  One thing I have learned is that in those moments, it is best for me to embrace the feelings and remember Faith. It helps me so much to do so, and also aides in my "healing", if you will.

I know I will miss Faith until the day I go home to Heaven.  I am also learning about missing her every day.  Each day is a new day, and therefore, a new day of my grief journey...

I love you Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 28 - Wisdom

Wisdom...that is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  One thing I have learned in the few years I have been on this earth, is to glean wisdom from as many places and people as possible.  I constantly do my best to seek wisdom from my elders on earth.  I have learned a great many things from doing that alone for the past number of years.  I have been blessed to be able to do so.  

I now look back at all the scenarios surrounding losing Faith with many feelings and emotions.  I continue to wish that I had the knowledge and wisdom then to know more about what was going on. Somehow, I just feel if that were the case, that Faith would be with us today.  

While I cannot dread and be stuck in the past, I can, however, move forward and gain as much knowledge and WISDOM about as many things in life as possible.  Along with that, I must make it my business to share with others the knowledge and wisdom that I gain through my experiences and my education.

James 3: 13-18 states the following:

Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. 18 And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

This verse really speaks to me about life in general.  Wisdom sure seems to be something that makes life good and full of peace.  I will always miss Faith, but I must gain wisdom from my experience and share that love, knowledge and wisdom with others.

For my picture today, I am using a picture of my jewelry box that used to be my Grandma's as well as a necklace that used to be hers.  I still glean wisdom from her somehow from Heaven.

Where do you search for wisdom?

Capture Your Grief - Day 20 - Breathe

Breathe is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  I took this picture yesterday morning when I went into our back yard to enjoy my coffee.  I also went in our back yard this evening and looked at the sky for a bit this evening.  

Looking at yesterday morning, retrospectively, I took a good bit of time to have some quiet time with my coffee on the brisk fall morning and spent some time alone with God.  

It was a great time for me. I think paying attention to taking special time out to breathe is very important in life in general, especially if you are going through what I call a "grief journey".  

Taking time out of my day to just "breathe" gives me a chance to get my priorities in order and gain perspective on my life.  It is a very important piece of my life now so that I can take assessment of my feelings and grief surrounding losing Faith

and to keep them in check.

I will try to take time out of every day now, to sit back, get alone with God, and "just breathe"...

Capture Your Grief - Day 5 - Journal

The Day 5 Capture Your Grief prompt is Journal.

When I was pregnant with Faith, my husband and I bought the beautiful leather bound journal you see in my pictures here so that I could write down my experiences throughout my pregnancy.  I knew that this would be something really cool that Faith and I could read together years later and have some great laughs and share the special time together.  

Little did we know that she would not be with us here.  I did actually write a page prior to purchasing the journal on a notebook paper, so that paper is now in a clear protector in the journal.

After we got moved into our new home, I came across the journal, and set it aside in our bedroom.  I had mixed feelings about what I wanted to do with the journal.  Giving it away crossed my mind, as I felt like if I couldn't use it for what it was originally meant for, then maybe I didn't want it at all.  I have since looked at it a few times and quickly shifted my focus to something else, still unsure of what I wanted to do with it.

Well, today's Capture Your Grief prompt, Journal, got me pondering the special journal yet again.  I decided that I will now use the journal to write to, for, and with Faith, and for myself.  So, today, I began writing in the journal and I must say that it has already helped me.  I am so glad that I did not give it away, but kept it to be used at the proper time.  

I will continue to write in this journal and express my true love, feelings, and life, as I move forward on my journey of life with Faith in my heart.  She is and will always be my baby girl, and I will write in this journal for her.

THAT is Love

Today as I was driving, I was listening to a Hillsong CD and this song came on. 

Although I really enjoy listening to Hillsong, I do not remember if I have heard this song or not, or if I have, it has been quite a while since I have heard it.

Regardless, it is a beautiful song and it brought me to tears.  It struck a strong chord in my heart, that I do not believe I have experienced before. I had a new view of God, that I hadn't really thought too much about before.  If I love Faith more than life, how must God have felt to WILLINGLY give His only Son for us?  I ached for God as I listened to this song.

Then, as I kept listening, I realized how much love He has for me (all the world).  Of course I knew that before, but as I listened to this song today, I heard it with my heart and not my head.

Losing Faith has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life. I have never felt pain and aching in my heart and arms as I do now.  I cannot know what God felt when he sent us His son, but having lost my baby girl, and hearing this song with my heart, I can truly begin to understand.

Somehow, in the midst of my darkest days, while experiencing some of the most painful times, I felt more love today than I can explain.  In my loss, I have a greater understanding of God's love for me and what He gave for me.

What do you feel when you listen to this song?

Faith Melody Memories - Momentos Update

I am proud to announce that I have created my prototype (a bracelet for me) of one customized bracelet like what I will have for sale (made to order) in my new Etsy store soon.  I am thrilled about being able to create this type of momento for people.  Any thoughts and suggestions would be appreciated.  I hope to have another one done soon, but I am brainstorming how I want to do the second one...

The bracelet has Faith's footprints as well as her name, date and time of birth, as well as her measurements.  I know this is something I will be able to treasure and wear for many years to come.  

I plan to be making other special bracelets, as well as earrings and pendants similar to these soon. 

I will be working to get my new Etsy store up and running soon, so I will have that information available ASAP.  In the meantime, I'll keep brainstorming new ways to honor loved ones with these pieces of jewelry.

In honor of our precious daughter, my new business will carry her name...Faith Melody Memories.

Stuffed Animals

Yes, I am a 33 year old woman, who now sleeps with a teddy bear. The teddy bear you see in the picture in this post, to be precise.

I have been resting on my bed this evening, cuddling with the new stuffed dog that my husband gave me for our anniversary.  He has given me quite a number of stuffed animals over the years for different holidays/occasions.

This past Christmas, my husband gave me a stuffed Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and Woodstock (really they were for Faith).  I have really enjoyed receiving a vast array of different stuffed animals.  

Earlier while we were watching a movie, I was thinking of the comfort that I have found in holding my stuffed animals.  It may sound strange, but indeed, it is not, to me.  For anyone who has lost a loved one, especially, a child that is supposed to be in your arms, you know that the there is a real physical ache you feel of not having that person in your arms.

For me, being able to hold some of my stuffed animals has helped immensely.  

The teddy bear that I sleep with, is the one that the hospital had beside Faith the day she was born. Outside of the outfit I dressed her in, that teddy bear is one of the few items that we are blessed to have.  I have read so many posts on Facebook about people that have lost a child and have no pictures, hand and foot prints, or anything tangible.  That makes me so thankful that we have the items that we do have.

While I am very aware that this teddy bear is not my daughter, that does't mean I don't call the teddy bear Faith.  My Faith teddy bear is one of the most precious things I now own.  Holding this teddy bear brings me more comfort than I can explain, physically, as well as emotionally.  

Anniversary

Yesterday was my husband and my 9 year wedding anniversary.  We had a really great day.  We went out to eat at a lovely Japanese Steakhouse.  It was very nice.  When we got home, we exchanged cards and he gave me roses, a beautiful bracelet, and a stuffed animal.  We also got a movie to watch. I had a very good day and am so thrilled to be able to celebrate 9 years of wonderful marriage.

In the midst of celebrating our 9th anniversary, there was the tug at my heart, that Faith was not here with us to celebrate.  It is becoming more real day by day that she is gone, along with the fact that in every celebration/event, there will forever be a girl missing.  While I am starting to get to a place where I am beginning to recognize some of myself again, I also realize that I am not recognizing my "old self", but a completely new person; one who is broken, but blessed, lost, but loved, scarred, but sacred.

As always, as I live my day to day life, Faith is, and will forever be with me.  She is in my heart, soul, and mind in everything that I do.  I love her more today than I did the day before, as I will continue to until I hold her again in Heaven.  In my celebration of 9 years of marriage with my wonderful husband, we both know that somehow, Faith is here with us, saying "Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad, I love you."  I know this for certain, because I know me and I know my husband.  We have so much love for Faith, so I know she is celebrating our anniversary in Heaven and holding us in her heart as we hold her in ours.

You Want Me To Pay For What?

One of my friends, Beth, messaged me on Facebook today and gave me my blog topic for today (or at least one topic for the day)...the financial aspect of losing a baby.

When you lose a baby, you now face a roller coaster of emotions and a grief that you must live with for the rest of  your life.  Let me just say that the bills that will come when this happens to you is The LAST thing you will think about, until they start coming in the mail.

Let me share my experience with you regarding the bills.  Without going into too much detail, I can say first of all, assuming you gave birth in a hospital, you will most likely be facing a handful of large bills.  The hospital bill will most likely be the most expensive.  If you needed an ambulance ride, there is yet another bill.  

This can all be SO OVERWHELMING, especially when you are trying to grieve for the child you just lost.

While I don't know how every hospital/medical group works, I can speak from my knowledge regarding the subject.  Here is what I know.  First of all, these places charge your insurance first (assuming you have health insurance).  After that, they will send you a bill for the remaining balance due.  *Note here from another Facebook friend, Pam - call your insurance company as soon as possible to see how much you will need to pay and how much they will cover.*

Once you get those bills, I would suggest you contact the financial department in the hospital or medical group and ask if they have financial assistance programs and request the forms to fill out for such a program.  A lot of hospitals/medical groups have financial assistance, but you need to ask for the forms, they most likely will not tell you about it if you are paying.  A lot of hospitals will also give you a percentage of discount (up to 100%) depending on your family size and income.  ASK for help.  If you do not ask, you will not know.

Some medical groups do not have any financial assistance program, but will be willing to set up payment arrangements with you.  Most likely ANY medical group will set this up for you if you cannot pay the balance all at once.  Think of it this way, they would rather you make payments than nothing at all.  These payment arrangements are great to take advantage of especially if they do not charge interest.  I know that some do not charge any interest.  If you are not sure, again, let me reiterate, ASK.

I completely understand the drama and life altering event of losing a baby.  It was brought to my attention that no one really talks about this side of the loss, so I wanted to at least address it on the surface.

I hope this information is useful for you and will in some way help you if you are facing this situation.

The Beach

Today, my husband and I went to the beach.  It was a (and still is) a cloudy, lovely summer day; perfect for the beach!  I just love the feeling of that beautiful white sand on my feet.  Listening to and walking in the ocean feels wonderful too.

While being at the beach was wonderful, it was also painful.  As we walked along the shoreline, I saw kids playing in the sand and in the water, and watched as parents held their babies and took pictures.  While part of my heart was glad for the little ones, it also hurt so much that we don't have Faith with us to enjoy those things with.

I guess we'll just have to wait to build sandcastles with Faith until we can do so along The River of Life in Heaven.  I am quite certain that we will build beautiful sand castles there.

Until then, we love you, sweet Faith Melody Bryant.

XO

Out of Place

I am sitting on our love seat and holding my Comfort Bear from Sufficient Grace Ministries in our dining area. I enjoy sitting here frequently, as it is a very comfy place to relax.  I am thinking about my day today...

This afternoon I was sitting outside.  I really enjoy looking at and watching the small lizards that run around everywhere here.  So I was enjoying the afternoon and watching a lizard.  I then had an overwhelming feeling of being out of place; not geographically, but in general.

As I ponder my "out of place" feeling today, I realize I have felt that way since Faith went home to be with The Lord.  It really is a great way to express how I feel a lot lately.  I was on a clear path until a huge stumbling block (to say the least) was placed in my life.  Unfortunately I was not given a choice on the path to choose.

I understand, now, more than ever, the feeling of being out of place.

Please do not get me wrong.  I know that I am still very blessed and have a lot to be thankful for in this life on earth.

I also know that I feel like a mother and at the same time I don't.  It is very strange.  I see people pregnant and having babies all around me and while a part of me is thankful for their life and blessing, my heart is so torn that they get to have their babies and I do not have mine.

So, when I think about this feeling I am experiencing on my grief journey, I suppose I couldn't put it much better than "out of place".  A huge piece of my heart is with Faith in Heaven now, so this feeling I have is very accurate, in that a piece of my heart is truly...

Out of Place...

Thunder & Rain - Peace During the Storm

Well, it is thundering and raining here right now.  I just made myself a tasty lunch and now I wanted to take a few moments for a break before I get back to housework.

I am really enjoying listening to the thunder and rain.  It is so calming to me for some reason.  I am reminded of God's promise to bring us peace, even in the midst of the storms of life.  He is doing that for me today.

I miss my daughter so very much, but the Lord is bringing me peace through my storm.  I know He still has great plans in store for me, but I must decide to get up and walk them out every day.  I simply cannot lay in bed.  I cannot pretend to be productive.  I cannot stay where I am emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  I have to move forward in the life He has given to me.

As I continue to listen to the thunder and rain this afternoon I will remember that He is carrying me through this storm and helping me to become who He wants me to be.

Sufficient Grace

Yesterday marked 11 years that my husband and I have known each other.  It was also the day that 2 gifts showed up in the mail for us.  One of these gifts was from Sufficient Grace Ministries.  When I found them on Facebook and read the founders' story, I felt very touched, as one of the daughters that she lost was named Faith.

I am certain that our Faiths are friends in Heaven today.  Here is a picture of what was included in the gift box, as well as a book for my husband (not in this pic).

I know that I will start adding to the Dreams of You book, which is very nice.  I also know that holding this bear will bring me much comfort.  I am already so blessed by this ministry, as I know many others who have lost children are.  

If you have lost a child, please reach out to this ministry.  They are wonderful and a huge blessing for those grieving a child who has gone to Heaven too soon.

There are so many great organizations and people out there available and willing to help in a lot of different ways.  I encourage you to take advantage of this ministry and any other helpful group with any tools they may offer.  We all grieve differently, and there is no wrong way to grieve.  I personally find a lot of help in tangible things.  The teddy bear that laid with Faith in the hospital will always be very special to me.  I also now have many other tangible things that aide me in my grief journey, some of which I will blog about later...

To read more about Sufficient Grace Ministries, please check them out here: www.sufficientgraceministries.org