Capture Your Grief - Day 31 - Sunset

Well, today is the last day of Capture Your Grief for this year.  Of course the topic is Sunset.  I did not get a picture of a sunset here in FL, USA today, although I am sure it was very nice.  

So, for my picture for today, I am using a picture I took not too long ago in this area, so it is still my picture and it is still around sunset at an area close to where I live!

As this project comes to a close this year, I am thankful that I have taken the time to participate.  It has been a great time for me to take time out of my days and to reflect and think about Faith.  I miss her so very much.

 

Earlier this evening my husband and I were enjoying spending time with Joy.  We dressed her up like an angel for Halloween and she was just beautiful.  As I looked and listened to her, I couldn't help but wonder what Faith would be like if she were here.  

It has only been a year and a half since Faith went to Heaven.  I know as I live my life every day that as long as I am here the sun will rise and the sun will set, however, the sun will never set on my love for Faith.

I love and miss you my darling first daughter.

Capture Your Greif - Day 19 - Music

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Music.  There have be a handful of songs that remind me of Faith since she went to Heaven. Two in particular are I Will Carry You by Selah and Homesick by Mercy Me.  While a HUGE part of my heart is certainly here with my husband, living daughter, and other family and friends.  There is a part of my heart that is with Faith.  Homesick expresses my feelings in that regard quite well.  I Will Carry You is the perfect expression of my love for Faith, but also Christ's love for her.  In my heart, I know that He is raising her and that she is waiting for me to come to be with her.  As much as my heart longs for her, I know she is with Him...

As the days go by, this ache in my heart for Faith still remains.  I believe it will remain there until the day we meet again in Heaven.  Until that day, I will live my life to the fullest here being the best wife and mommy that I can and looking to the clouds to see my other baby girl.

Mommy loves and misses you so very much Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Dark + Light

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Dark + Light.  This topic makes perfect sense to me.  I have gone through so many emotions and feelings in the time since Faith died.  Of course, during the immediate time after she passed, my life seemed only Dark.  I did not want to continue living.  Looking back, I suppose this is a natural initial response. 

After some time, I began to see the Light that has come from Faith's brief life with us.  Although, I certainly would prefer for her to be here with us, I have learned so much from her being in Heaven.  I see life as so much more precious than I did before.  Although I knew life was precious before, it just became more so having lost Faith.  

One thing that is certainly Light about Faith is that she is in Heaven.  I wish with all my heart that she were here with us to see the sky, the ocean, the trees, animals, etc...  But, on the other side of that wish, I also know that Faith never knew anything but love on this earth.  She never felt pain, rejection, hurt, or any other negative things.  She opened her eyes for the first time and saw our Lord.  From an eternal standpoint, it really doesn't get better than that.

Another Light in this Dark, is that we now have our daughter, Joy.  While we of course would love to have them both here if we could choose, we cannot.  It is possible that Joy may not have been with us if Faith would have survived...

So, as I continue my grief journey, which I believe I always will, I will continue to have an equal mix of Dark + Light.

Capture Your Grief - Day 3 - In Honor

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is In Honor.  I do so much in honor of Faith.  However, one of the main things I have done and do to honor her is my business, Faith Melody Memories.  I create each piece of jewelry myself with love in her honor.  I started making jewelry as a hobby after she went to Heaven this past April.  I decided it would be a great way to keep her memory alive to offer special pieces of jewelry in her honor.

Here are a couple of the bracelets I have made for myself and offer in my Etsy store for purchase. The black and white bracelet has Faith's footprints as well as her name, birth height, weight, date, and time.  The pink and black one has her heartbeat.  I cherish these and am so blessed to have the prints and heartbeat as well as the ability and supplies to be able to make them.  

Faith was a beautiful little girl and still is.  She grew inside of me for 24 weeks and 2 days.  I fell in love with her from the moment I found out that I was pregnant.  She will forever live in the hearts of so many people.  She will live in my heart until we meet again in Heaven.  

In the short time that Faith was with me, she taught me so much.  She taught me how to love in ways I never knew that I could.  She taught me what it feels like to be a mother.  She taught me that I need to live life to it's fullest.

Faith continues to teach me on a daily basis.  I miss her more than I can ever express.  I want to hold her so badly that it hurts.  I hurt for me, I hurt for my husband, I hurt for Joy.  I hurt for all the people whose lives that Faith has touched and would have touched.  So many people love her and always will.  I can't help but think of what she would be like if she were here.  She would be 1 1/2 years old this month.  

Faith will always be my oldest daughter, my love, and the light in my heart.

Mommy loves and misses you sweetheart.

My Faith Walk Today

Today, I am reflecting on my life without Faith.  I am now a little past 14 weeks pregnant with our rainbow child.  Some days I am still not really sure how to feel about being pregnant again so soon. Although I now find myself talking to both Faith and our new baby.  I read to both of them in the morning.  I thank The Lord for both of our children.  I look forward to raising the child I am now pregnant with and to being able to hold Faith again one day in Heaven.  

It has been almost 10 months now since Faith went to Heaven.  I've experienced things that I do not wish on my worst enemy (if I had any enemies, ha ha).  At the same time, retrospectively, I view the day Faith was born as both one of the worst and one of the best/most beautiful days of my life.  I see life so differently than I did before.  Some things simply don't matter.  What does matter is loving people and enjoying every moment we are given on this earth.

I now see myself as a totally different person, however, I still believe the same things I did before.  I believe what I have been through has made my faith walk stronger.  In going through my worst and most difficult experience in life so far, I've chosen to go to God instead of running away from Him. He has given me a peace that is certainly beyond my understanding.  I have said this recently and believe I will continue to as long as I am on this earth: 

"What happened to us and our daughter is not ok, and it will never be ok, but I am ok."  

I am amazed at the peace and grace God has given me and the strength to continue on in life with a positive outlook.

As I move forward in life with Faith in my heart, I will continue to walk with God by faith and trust Him as He continues to walk with me through life.

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Now

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Now.  When I think about how to describe myself now, I don't really know where to start...

I think I am much more of a realist than I used to be, but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I look at life through a totally different lense, that is for sure.

I have a new love and respect for my husband than I ever had before.  It is very strange for me and I almost don't know how to describe the way I feel, but Faith has brought me a new, better, and stronger love for my husband.  Our bond is stronger than ever now, because of her.

My view of God is much different than it used to be.  I have a totally new respect for what He did for us as well as a better feeling of how He feels for us.

I believe I have a greater capacity for love in general now. Love for humans in general is now a much bigger part of my life.  Eternity is also more real to me than it ever has been before.  I have a new and maybe even better understanding of Heaven.  

The real me, my spirit, understands how short this life on earth truly is. The pain I feel of losing Faith, while deeply heart wrenching, makes me realize how temporary this life is, and that before I know it, we will be together again.

This is a piece of who I am NOW...

Capture Your Grief - Day 1 - Sunrise

I have decided to take part in Capture Your Grief created by Carly Marie.  You can see more information about the project here: Capture Your Grief - October 2014.  I think this will give me a great opportunity to explore my grief, as well as share my story and experience with others going through similar grief.  

This project is for the entire month of October.  I am purposing in my heart to use this wonderful opportunity for my daily blog posts.

Day 1 - Sunrise

I was driving this morning when the sun came up here (approx. 7:20 am Eastern Time), so I could not really see the sunrise this morning.  The fact that it was cloudy and rainy did not help the matter either.  But, regardless, I was able to enjoy the beauty of creation and did get to get a nice picture of some brilliant blue sky with some clouds and trees.  

I frequently find myself looking to the clouds more often these days, as I, of course, picture Heaven as beyond the clouds.  I see Faith in the clouds and in all of the beauty of creation now.  For some, this may not make sense, but it makes perfect sense to me.  I see the beauty of the creation we see on earth: clouds, trees, oceans, etc...and realize that we are all creations and should be seen as the beautiful creation that we are.

As I think about looking at nature, in particular, the sunrise/sky, I am reminded that Faith did not get to see a sunrise here or look at the sky. While this saddens me beyond measure, I along with that, also remember Who she saw when she first opened her eyes, and it is There, that I find my Peace.

I will continue to look to the skies until one day I go to be with my daughter again.  Until then, when I see the sunrise, I will smile, close my eyes, take a deep breath and see my baby girl.

Out of Place

I am sitting on our love seat and holding my Comfort Bear from Sufficient Grace Ministries in our dining area. I enjoy sitting here frequently, as it is a very comfy place to relax.  I am thinking about my day today...

This afternoon I was sitting outside.  I really enjoy looking at and watching the small lizards that run around everywhere here.  So I was enjoying the afternoon and watching a lizard.  I then had an overwhelming feeling of being out of place; not geographically, but in general.

As I ponder my "out of place" feeling today, I realize I have felt that way since Faith went home to be with The Lord.  It really is a great way to express how I feel a lot lately.  I was on a clear path until a huge stumbling block (to say the least) was placed in my life.  Unfortunately I was not given a choice on the path to choose.

I understand, now, more than ever, the feeling of being out of place.

Please do not get me wrong.  I know that I am still very blessed and have a lot to be thankful for in this life on earth.

I also know that I feel like a mother and at the same time I don't.  It is very strange.  I see people pregnant and having babies all around me and while a part of me is thankful for their life and blessing, my heart is so torn that they get to have their babies and I do not have mine.

So, when I think about this feeling I am experiencing on my grief journey, I suppose I couldn't put it much better than "out of place".  A huge piece of my heart is with Faith in Heaven now, so this feeling I have is very accurate, in that a piece of my heart is truly...

Out of Place...

Another Day on My Journey

Today overall has been a good day.  I have opened some moving boxes in my office (Faith's room) and have started putting things away.  Thank goodness it seems that my Cricut and sewing machine are found and functional.

I have been thinking of how I want to decorate my office and I think I may put up Faith and girly stuff to remind me of her.  I came across some beautiful bright sparkly butterflies last night and I may put them on a wall with Faith's name in vinyl letters...just a passing thought.

Although I miss Faith SO VERY much and think about her all the time, I am slowly beginning to enjoy some of the little things in life again.  Although I have moments that I break down and things that trigger these moments, these emotions do not control my life.  I know these moments will always come when I allow them or when I see or hear a trigger.

I love and miss my baby girl with all my heart.  She is and will always be the light of my life.  My love grows stronger for her every day, which makes me miss her every day.

This makes me realize that while every day in my journey of life will be different, they will each be the same in that I will always hold Faith in my heart until we meet again in Heaven on that joyous day.