Faith-Shaped Hole

Earlier this evening, my husband, our daughter Joy, and I were hanging out in the bedroom watching a Christmas movie.  We talked about Faith and how she would be laying right next to Joy in the bed with us if she were here.  It was a very difficult moment.  I know we will always have a Faith-shaped hole in our hearts as long as we live.  Missing Faith makes me realize how much I get caught up in life and get concerned about some things that simply don't matter.  Family matters, friends matter, kindness matters, helping others matters, sharing His love matters.  

For me, reaching out to others about pregnancy/infant/child loss matters very much.  I know that I need to use the Faith-shaped hole in my heart to help others who may be going through such a loss.  Loss is not easy, but having others who have experienced similar makes you know that you are not alone.  I hope to be this help to others experiencing the loss of an infant.  

As we quickly approach the holiday season, I know it is especially difficult for those going through loss.  We found out I was pregnant with Faith the day before Thanksgiving in 2013.  Thanksgiving is forever changed for me, but will always remain a favorite holiday for me.  As I look toward our bright future, I will forever hold my Faith-shaped hole in my heart.

We love and miss you so much baby girl.  XO

Capture Your Grief - Day 26 - Gratitude

Gratitude is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  This is a wonderful idea!  I am grateful for so many things!  I am grateful to be alive, to have a wonderful husband, for having 2 wonderful daughters, Faith in Heaven and Joy here with us, for a wonderful family and great friends, new ideas, new business ideas, a roof over my head, food to eat, my health, the list goes on and on...

I believe Carly is very accurate here when she talks about practicing being grateful daily.  At first, when you experience the loss of your child, you are doing good to get out of bed.  However, gradually, as time goes by, you can begin to live again and see how blessed you truly are in life.  Losing Faith has caused me an unimaginable amount of pain, however, it has also brought me to realize how important and beautiful ALL life is and has given me such a different perspective of life.

I am grateful for Faith: the time we shared together while she was growing, the time we shared at the hospital, the time we shared together at the funeral home, and the time we share together now, every day as she is in Heaven and I am here...somehow...we are together in our hearts.  I know that she is waiting for me just on the other side of the pearly gates, and for that, I am GRATEFUL!

Capture Your Grief - Day 13 - Regrets + Triggers

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Regrets + Triggers.  I don't know of any regrets that I have as far as my grief journey.  

The one major regret that I do have, however, is that I did not insist on having some of Faith's hair cut off for us to keep.  When I asked the nurse, she responded that babies at that gestation don't really have very much hair.  Of course, I didn't go beyond that at the time.  Although, I truly wish I would have insisted and asked for scissors to do it myself.

As far as triggers go, what isn't a trigger?  Looking at my husband and living daughter are triggers.  Seeing other baby girls or young girls is a trigger.  

The Thanksgiving season/holiday will always remind me of Faith.  We found out I was pregnant the day before Thanksgiving and it was so very special.  I don't think I will ever forget how happy I was when I took the test and saw that it was positive.  This picture of me was taken over Thanksgiving after we found out.  I love how happy I am in this picture!

Capture Your Grief - Day 11 - Glow In The Woods

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Glow In The Woods.  Goodness...so many people have been a light for me on my grief journey since losing Faith...family, friends, etc...

My husband has been a great light for me in my journey.  He is so loving and supportive.  I don't know where I would be or what I would have done without his love and support.  I have read of so many marriages that fail after such a tragedy as losing a child.  I am so thankful that God blessed me with Owen.

The most important light for me on my grief journey has been The Lord.  I have had so many days when grief has overtaken me and I felt alone.  No matter the time of day or night, I have always found comfort in The Lord and He has held my hand and guided me through.  His unconditional love has gotten me through some very sad and lonely times since Faith has passed.  I believe part of what makes Him my greatest light is knowing that He is raising Faith.  I couldn't ask for a better teacher for her, that is for sure.  I know that Jesus is the first person Faith saw when she opened her eyes for the first time and that makes me smile.  

"He is my Light & Salvation"

Capture Your Grief - Day 9 - Family

Family is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  For the sake of time and length, I will focus this blog post to my spouse and children, as I come from a large family and have many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc...  

I also have a number of close friends that I consider family...

Faith is and always will be a special part of our family.  She is our first daughter.  However, since she now resides in Heaven, my earthly family consists of my husband and our daughter, Joy.  They are my loves and mean the world to me.

My husband, Owen, is my true love and my best friend.  You know that old saying "who would you call if your goldfish died?"... my husband is that man to me.  He is my partner, my love, my companion, my rock.

Joy is the light that brightens my days.  She is such a beautiful little girl and is so happy.  I thank God for blessing us with her.  She is 11 weeks old today!  I am truly enjoying being her mommy and watching her grow.

When you look at my family, you only see three of us.  In reality, there are 4, Faith lives in our hearts.

Capture Your Grief - Day 21 - Relationship

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Relationship.  I don't really know where to start on this topic. My relationship with my husband has always been great.  It has, however, changed (this is sort-of a given), following our losing Faith.  

I have a new love for my husband that I never knew before.  It is difficult to explain, but anyone who is in this same journey understands. I love him more every day in a new way.

Now, to move on to my relationship with Faith.  I continue to be amazed at the relationship that I have with Faith, even though she is in Heaven.  She teaches me things daily.  Faith has taught me so much and I know she will continue to do so.  I now understand the love a mother has for her child.  I also have a better understanding of my true home being in Heaven and not here on earth.  

I have a growing wonderful relationship with my daughter.  I talk to her daily and she is very real to me.  I don't know how it all works in Heaven, but I feel as though she can hear and feel me.  

Although I miss and grieve for my daughter all the time, I now know that I can still have an amazing relationship with her while I am on this earth even though she is not physically with me.  

Faith and I will continue to have a wonderful relationship...every day...I love you my darling daughter.

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Now

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Now.  When I think about how to describe myself now, I don't really know where to start...

I think I am much more of a realist than I used to be, but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I look at life through a totally different lense, that is for sure.

I have a new love and respect for my husband than I ever had before.  It is very strange for me and I almost don't know how to describe the way I feel, but Faith has brought me a new, better, and stronger love for my husband.  Our bond is stronger than ever now, because of her.

My view of God is much different than it used to be.  I have a totally new respect for what He did for us as well as a better feeling of how He feels for us.

I believe I have a greater capacity for love in general now. Love for humans in general is now a much bigger part of my life.  Eternity is also more real to me than it ever has been before.  I have a new and maybe even better understanding of Heaven.  

The real me, my spirit, understands how short this life on earth truly is. The pain I feel of losing Faith, while deeply heart wrenching, makes me realize how temporary this life is, and that before I know it, we will be together again.

This is a piece of who I am NOW...