Faith-Shaped Hole

Earlier this evening, my husband, our daughter Joy, and I were hanging out in the bedroom watching a Christmas movie.  We talked about Faith and how she would be laying right next to Joy in the bed with us if she were here.  It was a very difficult moment.  I know we will always have a Faith-shaped hole in our hearts as long as we live.  Missing Faith makes me realize how much I get caught up in life and get concerned about some things that simply don't matter.  Family matters, friends matter, kindness matters, helping others matters, sharing His love matters.  

For me, reaching out to others about pregnancy/infant/child loss matters very much.  I know that I need to use the Faith-shaped hole in my heart to help others who may be going through such a loss.  Loss is not easy, but having others who have experienced similar makes you know that you are not alone.  I hope to be this help to others experiencing the loss of an infant.  

As we quickly approach the holiday season, I know it is especially difficult for those going through loss.  We found out I was pregnant with Faith the day before Thanksgiving in 2013.  Thanksgiving is forever changed for me, but will always remain a favorite holiday for me.  As I look toward our bright future, I will forever hold my Faith-shaped hole in my heart.

We love and miss you so much baby girl.  XO

Missing Faith

As we draw near to Joy's first birthday, I have been thinking about and missing Faith.  I cannot help but miss her and think of what she may be like today.  She would be 2 years and 3 months old now.  I know she is a wonderful big sister and she would be a great one here if she were here.  

We moved in June to IL to be close to my family with a lot of cousins that are around Joy's age so she can grow up around family.  It is also a much more relaxed way of life than living so close to the big city.  We both wanted this for Joy.  I am SO thrilled that we made this decision and am SO excited for Joy to be able to grow up where I grew up.  But along with this excitement also comes a bit of longing for Faith.  If I close my eyes, I can almost see her running and playing along with all the rest of the kids.  I know she is here with us in so many ways.  

I know that as we celebrate Joy's birthday on Sunday, I will be so happy and excited to watch her open presents and taste her first cake and ice cream.  I also know that a tiny part of me will long to see Faith join in on all the fun.  I am certain she will be celebrating with us in Heaven.

I love and miss you my precious Faith.

XO,
Mommy

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Dark + Light

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Dark + Light.  This topic makes perfect sense to me.  I have gone through so many emotions and feelings in the time since Faith died.  Of course, during the immediate time after she passed, my life seemed only Dark.  I did not want to continue living.  Looking back, I suppose this is a natural initial response. 

After some time, I began to see the Light that has come from Faith's brief life with us.  Although, I certainly would prefer for her to be here with us, I have learned so much from her being in Heaven.  I see life as so much more precious than I did before.  Although I knew life was precious before, it just became more so having lost Faith.  

One thing that is certainly Light about Faith is that she is in Heaven.  I wish with all my heart that she were here with us to see the sky, the ocean, the trees, animals, etc...  But, on the other side of that wish, I also know that Faith never knew anything but love on this earth.  She never felt pain, rejection, hurt, or any other negative things.  She opened her eyes for the first time and saw our Lord.  From an eternal standpoint, it really doesn't get better than that.

Another Light in this Dark, is that we now have our daughter, Joy.  While we of course would love to have them both here if we could choose, we cannot.  It is possible that Joy may not have been with us if Faith would have survived...

So, as I continue my grief journey, which I believe I always will, I will continue to have an equal mix of Dark + Light.

Capture Your Grief 2015 - Day 1 - Sunrise

 As I begin my Capture Your Grief journey for this year, I am reflecting on life.  But not just any life, the life of our daughter, Faith.  While her life was brief, it has had one of the most profound impacts on my life.

So many people have had a great impact on me and have contributed to the person I am today.  Faith is one of those people, perhaps one of the most important...

I did not see the sun coming up this morning, but could see the effects at approx. 7:17 AM in FL/USA.  I took these pictures in our backyard as the sun was coming up.  

The hibiscus flower that we planted in Faith's honor has grown so much over the past year.  It is a beautiful reminder to me of her beautiful life.  I look at it so much and love watching it grow.  

As I was enjoying the early morning sky I caught this little frog close to our back door.  As I watched him I thought of life and how amazing it is.  God has given us so much to be thankful for.  As I reflect on the "sunrise" or beginning of Faith's life, I remember being so in love with her and thrilled that I was pregnant.  She is a constant reminder to me of how brief life on this earth is and that we truly need to walk in the fruit of the Spirit each day that we are blessed with while we are here.  Love one another.  Life is too short to do anything else. 

As the sun "rises" on this project, I reflect back to the beginning and am thankful that God gave me the opportunity to carry Faith.  She made me a mother.  She will always be my baby girl and though I cannot yet hold her in my arms, I will always hold her in my heart.

Missing Faith

We are still on our trip. I don't know too much to say today except that I miss Faith very much. 

I miss her more at certain times than at others. I guess that's "normal". Every time I see a baby (or young girl), when I pass a shop with baby items, when I see others playing with their child/children...I miss Faith. 

I do have a relationship with her, although it's not the "traditional" mother-daughter relationship. I talk to her frequently. She's constantly on my mind & always in my heart. 

I know I have grown (& grown up) so much over the past year: physically, mentally, & spiritually. Not that I wanted to, but I have been forced to. 

While my heart aches for my daughter, know this: I appreciate life & all it's wonders now more than I ever did before. While I would certainly rather have Faith with me, I know that she's taught me to live & love in ways I never knew possible. For that, Faith, my Princess, thank you. ❤️

Capture Your Grief - Day 14 - Dark/Light

Dark/Light is today's Capture Your Grief prompt; focusing on the dark and light of grief.  So, I will discuss a little bit of both the dark and light sides of my grief.  

In the first days after we lost Faith, I experienced some of the darkest days I have ever known.  I honestly didn't care about being alive.  No, let me correct myself, I did not want to live.  I would have given anything to have Faith live.  I still would.

I cannot change what happened.  So, in the midst of my darkness, I must focus on the light of the fact that she is in Heaven now and move forward the way she wants me to.  I have to speak out about what happened to me and do my best to educate others about what they can do if they are facing similar situations as I did.  

I had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix prior to my pregnancy with Faith.  These cells were removed with the LEEP procedure, during which part of the cervix is removed to remove the pre-cancerous cells.  This procedure and ANY procedure that involves the cervix should ALWAYS REQUIRE OB/GYNs to put any pregnancy at least at an "at risk" category and do CL (cervical length) checks the entire pregnancy.  Also, currently, doctors will not do a preventative cerclage unless you have a history of IC (incompetent cervix) (i.e. you have had a pre-mature baby or have lost a baby).  I believe that CL checks should be a normal part of ALL pregnancies, but certainly should be done for anyone who has had any type of cervical procedure.  I also believe that if shortening of the cervix is found that preventative cerclages should be done in the early weeks (12-15) of pregnancy.

I have also started this blog, as well as a business Faith Melody Memories in an effort to help myself and others who may be going through similar loss(es).  

My perspective of life has changed so much since we lost Faith.  I have a new huge respect for God, my parents, and also want to love more and live life to the fullest possible.  There is so much in life now that simply doesn't matter.  There are important things in life and there are unimportant things.  I know have a different view of life in general.  My priorities are different.  I am thankful to be alive. 

So, since I am alive, I can share my view with you.  Here it is: If God blesses me with waking up tomorrow for yet another day, I will love the best I can and do my best to reach out to others in any way I can.  I figure if I am still here, I still have work to do.

In conclusion, what I have to say about dark and light inside my grief are these things: 1) God created us to grieve when we encounter loss - if you are going through loss, please know that you need to grieve, cry, etc...in order to go through it.  2) In the midst of the dark in grief, there is light if you look for it.  Use your experience to help and love others.  

In your grief, go through your dark, but through your darkness, let your Light shine.

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Now

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Now.  When I think about how to describe myself now, I don't really know where to start...

I think I am much more of a realist than I used to be, but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I look at life through a totally different lense, that is for sure.

I have a new love and respect for my husband than I ever had before.  It is very strange for me and I almost don't know how to describe the way I feel, but Faith has brought me a new, better, and stronger love for my husband.  Our bond is stronger than ever now, because of her.

My view of God is much different than it used to be.  I have a totally new respect for what He did for us as well as a better feeling of how He feels for us.

I believe I have a greater capacity for love in general now. Love for humans in general is now a much bigger part of my life.  Eternity is also more real to me than it ever has been before.  I have a new and maybe even better understanding of Heaven.  

The real me, my spirit, understands how short this life on earth truly is. The pain I feel of losing Faith, while deeply heart wrenching, makes me realize how temporary this life is, and that before I know it, we will be together again.

This is a piece of who I am NOW...

Another Day on My Journey

Today overall has been a good day.  I have opened some moving boxes in my office (Faith's room) and have started putting things away.  Thank goodness it seems that my Cricut and sewing machine are found and functional.

I have been thinking of how I want to decorate my office and I think I may put up Faith and girly stuff to remind me of her.  I came across some beautiful bright sparkly butterflies last night and I may put them on a wall with Faith's name in vinyl letters...just a passing thought.

Although I miss Faith SO VERY much and think about her all the time, I am slowly beginning to enjoy some of the little things in life again.  Although I have moments that I break down and things that trigger these moments, these emotions do not control my life.  I know these moments will always come when I allow them or when I see or hear a trigger.

I love and miss my baby girl with all my heart.  She is and will always be the light of my life.  My love grows stronger for her every day, which makes me miss her every day.

This makes me realize that while every day in my journey of life will be different, they will each be the same in that I will always hold Faith in my heart until we meet again in Heaven on that joyous day.