Missing Faith

As we draw near to Joy's first birthday, I have been thinking about and missing Faith.  I cannot help but miss her and think of what she may be like today.  She would be 2 years and 3 months old now.  I know she is a wonderful big sister and she would be a great one here if she were here.  

We moved in June to IL to be close to my family with a lot of cousins that are around Joy's age so she can grow up around family.  It is also a much more relaxed way of life than living so close to the big city.  We both wanted this for Joy.  I am SO thrilled that we made this decision and am SO excited for Joy to be able to grow up where I grew up.  But along with this excitement also comes a bit of longing for Faith.  If I close my eyes, I can almost see her running and playing along with all the rest of the kids.  I know she is here with us in so many ways.  

I know that as we celebrate Joy's birthday on Sunday, I will be so happy and excited to watch her open presents and taste her first cake and ice cream.  I also know that a tiny part of me will long to see Faith join in on all the fun.  I am certain she will be celebrating with us in Heaven.

I love and miss you my precious Faith.

XO,
Mommy

View from the Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital to see my MFM specialist earlier today.  There were quite a few people in the waiting room.  As we were waiting, a man wheeled a Mom & her newborn boy down & stopped to wait for their car to pull up. A lady was with them pushing a cart of the Mom's belongings & gifts that were sent for them.

I had to fight back tears as they sat there. Memories of leaving the hospital last April without Faith flooded me.  Someone in the waiting room made a comment that the guy pushing the Mom's wheelchair has a fun job. I thought to myself, yeah, I guess most of the time, yes, he has a fun job.  I was once again reminded of a time when I too, was ignorant of what sometimes happens.

Part of me wanted to tell that Mom how blessed she is. Part of me wanted to break down. Then our Princess, Joy gave me a kick & I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with love & smile.  As I looked at this woman & her precious newborn leaving the hospital, I knew that will be me in 7 weeks or less & I am thrilled beyond belief.  

This pregnancy has been quite an interesting mix of feelings & emotions, but ultimately, it has been one of the most amazing times of my life thus far and I look forward to Joy being born so much so I can hold her in my arms.

Reflections of Mother's Day

I had a very good Mother's Day this year. My parents were visiting, so I was blessed to be able to share Mother's Day with my mother.  It was very nice.  

My wonderful husband gave me a very special card, beautiful roses and a very beautiful charm with Faith's name and birthday for one of my charm bracelets.  

I am so excited to be pregnant with Joy, so it was very nice to celebrate Mother's Day for her.  At the same time, I am certain that Mother's Day will always be a bittersweet day for me.  Faith Melody will always be my first daughter, the beautiful girl who made me a mother.  I love and miss you baby girl.

Anniversary

Yesterday was my husband and my 9 year wedding anniversary.  We had a really great day.  We went out to eat at a lovely Japanese Steakhouse.  It was very nice.  When we got home, we exchanged cards and he gave me roses, a beautiful bracelet, and a stuffed animal.  We also got a movie to watch. I had a very good day and am so thrilled to be able to celebrate 9 years of wonderful marriage.

In the midst of celebrating our 9th anniversary, there was the tug at my heart, that Faith was not here with us to celebrate.  It is becoming more real day by day that she is gone, along with the fact that in every celebration/event, there will forever be a girl missing.  While I am starting to get to a place where I am beginning to recognize some of myself again, I also realize that I am not recognizing my "old self", but a completely new person; one who is broken, but blessed, lost, but loved, scarred, but sacred.

As always, as I live my day to day life, Faith is, and will forever be with me.  She is in my heart, soul, and mind in everything that I do.  I love her more today than I did the day before, as I will continue to until I hold her again in Heaven.  In my celebration of 9 years of marriage with my wonderful husband, we both know that somehow, Faith is here with us, saying "Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad, I love you."  I know this for certain, because I know me and I know my husband.  We have so much love for Faith, so I know she is celebrating our anniversary in Heaven and holding us in her heart as we hold her in ours.