Scared

Over the last 8 months, I have loved being pregnant with Joy.  I cannot believe she will be born in about 6 weeks or less.  There have been so many emotions and feelings that have been inside me during this pregnancy.  

Most of the time, I am beyond thrilled, and extremely happy.  However, there are a few times that I have been scared and a small part of me still is...but not for the reason(s) most people would think...

I am not scared to give birth, of the pain, of any of that part.  That may be crazy, but that doesn't scare me.

I am scared that Joy will look like Faith.  I am scared that Joy will not look like Faith.  I am scared that as I hold Joy in my arms I will miss Faith more than I already do now.  I am scared that I as we leave the hospital with Joy, the feeling that I failed Faith will come back all the more.  

I am scared that as I have my "firsts" with Joy, my heart will miss all the "firsts" I will never have with Faith.  I am scared that as I love Joy it will make me miss Faith all the more.  I don't know if that makes any sense at all at this point, but for some reason that is how I feel right now and it makes sense to me.

I know that Joy will literally be our pride and joy.  I thank God for blessing us with both Faith and Joy.  Joy is moving around as I write this, and feeling her makes me so happy.

I will always think of Faith and wonder how she would be, what she would look like, what we'd be doing if she were here.  I know that as I love and watch Joy grow, I will always have a place in my heart that will long for her sister.

Despite being so happy and loving Joy, I know that part of me will always be a bit scared...

View from the Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital to see my MFM specialist earlier today.  There were quite a few people in the waiting room.  As we were waiting, a man wheeled a Mom & her newborn boy down & stopped to wait for their car to pull up. A lady was with them pushing a cart of the Mom's belongings & gifts that were sent for them.

I had to fight back tears as they sat there. Memories of leaving the hospital last April without Faith flooded me.  Someone in the waiting room made a comment that the guy pushing the Mom's wheelchair has a fun job. I thought to myself, yeah, I guess most of the time, yes, he has a fun job.  I was once again reminded of a time when I too, was ignorant of what sometimes happens.

Part of me wanted to tell that Mom how blessed she is. Part of me wanted to break down. Then our Princess, Joy gave me a kick & I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with love & smile.  As I looked at this woman & her precious newborn leaving the hospital, I knew that will be me in 7 weeks or less & I am thrilled beyond belief.  

This pregnancy has been quite an interesting mix of feelings & emotions, but ultimately, it has been one of the most amazing times of my life thus far and I look forward to Joy being born so much so I can hold her in my arms.

My View of Steel Magnolia's Quotes and Loss

I just watched the last part of Steel Magnolias.  If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it.  I've seen it before, but watching it this time was different.  I guess everything in life is different...now...

I can relate to Sally Field's character, M'Lynn, when she uses the following quote in the cemetery scene: 

"I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know why Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was! Will he ever know what she went through for him! Oh God I wanna know why? Why? Lord, I wish I could understand!  No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna hit somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!"

This explains how a part of me will always feel about Faith.  It is a perfect description of the initial feeling when your child dies.  While there are so many things in this life that we may never understand why, part of the process is accepting that you may never know why.

It took me quite awhile, but after some time, I can truly relate to this other quote from Sally Field's character, M'Lynn, when she says:

"There was no noise. No tremble. Just peace. Oh God.. I realize as a woman how lucky I am! I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life.. and I was there when she drifted out of it. It was the most precious moment of my life..." 

This quote is by far the more difficult of the two to relate to, perhaps, as a parent, the most difficult revelation to have.  While a piece of me will always feel like the first quote, in my heart, I will forever cherish the time I had with Faith.  She was with me her entire life and that is one of the most precious things I can ever hope to experience.  She will always be my baby girl and I will always be her mother. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 20 - Breathe

Breathe is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  I took this picture yesterday morning when I went into our back yard to enjoy my coffee.  I also went in our back yard this evening and looked at the sky for a bit this evening.  

Looking at yesterday morning, retrospectively, I took a good bit of time to have some quiet time with my coffee on the brisk fall morning and spent some time alone with God.  

It was a great time for me. I think paying attention to taking special time out to breathe is very important in life in general, especially if you are going through what I call a "grief journey".  

Taking time out of my day to just "breathe" gives me a chance to get my priorities in order and gain perspective on my life.  It is a very important piece of my life now so that I can take assessment of my feelings and grief surrounding losing Faith

and to keep them in check.

I will try to take time out of every day now, to sit back, get alone with God, and "just breathe"...