How Being a Mommy of Two makes me a better Parent of One

As I was playing with Joy the other day and as Faith's second birthday approaches, I was thinking of the person I have become since Faith died.  I can speculate all day about the type of parent I would have been if they both were here, but that is not the case.  At the end of the day, I miss Faith so very much.  But I know in my heart that having her for the short time that I did, has made me a better person all around and for sure a better parent to Joy.  I can't count the number of times I kiss her and tell her that I love her in a day.  Most of the time, I walk in a pretty good amount of patience.

Do not get me wrong.  In no way am I saying that others with children who haven't lost a child love their children any less.  I am simply stating that I believe I love and mother Joy differently and better than I would have if it would not have been for Faith.

One might say that since Faith is not here with us, I am able to share the love I have for her with Joy, loving Joy "doubly".  I believe this is the case.  I can only love Faith in my heart, so I believe it is her gift to Joy have that special love expressed from me since Faith cannot be here with us now.

All in all, I truly believe that I am a better mother to Joy because of Faith.  I love and miss Faith more and more with each passing day and will continue to do so.  I know in my heart that this missing and loving Faith, helps me to be a better mommy to them both and a better mother to Joy than I would have been without Faith.

Reflections of Mother's Day

I had a very good Mother's Day this year. My parents were visiting, so I was blessed to be able to share Mother's Day with my mother.  It was very nice.  

My wonderful husband gave me a very special card, beautiful roses and a very beautiful charm with Faith's name and birthday for one of my charm bracelets.  

I am so excited to be pregnant with Joy, so it was very nice to celebrate Mother's Day for her.  At the same time, I am certain that Mother's Day will always be a bittersweet day for me.  Faith Melody will always be my first daughter, the beautiful girl who made me a mother.  I love and miss you baby girl.

My View of Steel Magnolia's Quotes and Loss

I just watched the last part of Steel Magnolias.  If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it.  I've seen it before, but watching it this time was different.  I guess everything in life is different...now...

I can relate to Sally Field's character, M'Lynn, when she uses the following quote in the cemetery scene: 

"I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know why Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was! Will he ever know what she went through for him! Oh God I wanna know why? Why? Lord, I wish I could understand!  No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna hit somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!"

This explains how a part of me will always feel about Faith.  It is a perfect description of the initial feeling when your child dies.  While there are so many things in this life that we may never understand why, part of the process is accepting that you may never know why.

It took me quite awhile, but after some time, I can truly relate to this other quote from Sally Field's character, M'Lynn, when she says:

"There was no noise. No tremble. Just peace. Oh God.. I realize as a woman how lucky I am! I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life.. and I was there when she drifted out of it. It was the most precious moment of my life..." 

This quote is by far the more difficult of the two to relate to, perhaps, as a parent, the most difficult revelation to have.  While a piece of me will always feel like the first quote, in my heart, I will forever cherish the time I had with Faith.  She was with me her entire life and that is one of the most precious things I can ever hope to experience.  She will always be my baby girl and I will always be her mother. 

Mother's Day on the Way

As Mother's Day approaches again this year, I find myself thinking of Faith, Joy, as well as my Mother, and Mother-In-Law.  Last year, we were blessed to spend Mother's Day with my husband's mother.  It was quite a difficult day, having just lost Faith, but also a special day, as it was my first Mother's Day.  My husband gave me a beautiful yellow rose last Mother's Day and I will treasure it for years to come.

This year, we will be blessed to be able to spend Mother's Day with my mother, as my parents will be visiting us during that time.  I am really looking forward to spending the day with my mother and celebrating the day as Faith and Joy's mother.  

I look forward to spending time with my mother on this special day, but also being able to give her something that will show her this love.  If you are looking for something special to give to your mother on this special day, please stop by my store, Faith Melody Memories, in honor of my first born, Faith.  I am currently offering a 10% discount on all orders between now and May 9 by using the code 10MOTHER upon checkout.  I also have a section that has many items that are $15.00 and less to chose from.

As we get closer to Mother's Day, I ask you to please remember the women in your life who may be a mother to a child(ren) that are no longer with them for any reason.  This day is a difficult day for them, so even if you are not able to buy them a gift, share your time, love, and kind words with them. Even if you do not see any children with them, they are still a mother.

Out of Place

I am sitting on our love seat and holding my Comfort Bear from Sufficient Grace Ministries in our dining area. I enjoy sitting here frequently, as it is a very comfy place to relax.  I am thinking about my day today...

This afternoon I was sitting outside.  I really enjoy looking at and watching the small lizards that run around everywhere here.  So I was enjoying the afternoon and watching a lizard.  I then had an overwhelming feeling of being out of place; not geographically, but in general.

As I ponder my "out of place" feeling today, I realize I have felt that way since Faith went home to be with The Lord.  It really is a great way to express how I feel a lot lately.  I was on a clear path until a huge stumbling block (to say the least) was placed in my life.  Unfortunately I was not given a choice on the path to choose.

I understand, now, more than ever, the feeling of being out of place.

Please do not get me wrong.  I know that I am still very blessed and have a lot to be thankful for in this life on earth.

I also know that I feel like a mother and at the same time I don't.  It is very strange.  I see people pregnant and having babies all around me and while a part of me is thankful for their life and blessing, my heart is so torn that they get to have their babies and I do not have mine.

So, when I think about this feeling I am experiencing on my grief journey, I suppose I couldn't put it much better than "out of place".  A huge piece of my heart is with Faith in Heaven now, so this feeling I have is very accurate, in that a piece of my heart is truly...

Out of Place...