How Being a Mommy of Two makes me a better Parent of One

As I was playing with Joy the other day and as Faith's second birthday approaches, I was thinking of the person I have become since Faith died.  I can speculate all day about the type of parent I would have been if they both were here, but that is not the case.  At the end of the day, I miss Faith so very much.  But I know in my heart that having her for the short time that I did, has made me a better person all around and for sure a better parent to Joy.  I can't count the number of times I kiss her and tell her that I love her in a day.  Most of the time, I walk in a pretty good amount of patience.

Do not get me wrong.  In no way am I saying that others with children who haven't lost a child love their children any less.  I am simply stating that I believe I love and mother Joy differently and better than I would have if it would not have been for Faith.

One might say that since Faith is not here with us, I am able to share the love I have for her with Joy, loving Joy "doubly".  I believe this is the case.  I can only love Faith in my heart, so I believe it is her gift to Joy have that special love expressed from me since Faith cannot be here with us now.

All in all, I truly believe that I am a better mother to Joy because of Faith.  I love and miss Faith more and more with each passing day and will continue to do so.  I know in my heart that this missing and loving Faith, helps me to be a better mommy to them both and a better mother to Joy than I would have been without Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Secondary Losses

Yesterday's Capture Your Grief topic is Secondary Losses.  I can honestly say that I believe the secondary loss I had when Faith died was her life as a whole.  In this I include her relationship, her love, seeing her "firsts", watching her grow, seeing her walk, talk, drive, graduate, marry, have children of her own, etc...

I guess there are countless secondary losses I feel when describing losing Faith.  When you think of what a person's life encompasses throughout their entire life, this is a huge loss.  Every moment of the rest of my life, I have lost something that I should be sharing with Faith.  

There is no healing from this "secondary" loss.  It is something you simply have to live with for the rest of  your life.

Almost March...Missing Faith...

Earlier today, as I was texting some of my family and friends a 17 week picture of myself, I very unexpectedly broke down as I started thinking of Faith.  I realized that a year ago I was about this far along with her and we are quickly approaching her first birthday.  

I got out Faith's baby book and looked at her pictures, which, also, unexpectedly, brought me peace. I cried for quite a bit, missing her so much. I long to hold her in my arms so much.  

Although I am extremely thrilled to be pregnant again, I am experiencing so many different feelings and emotions.  Throw pregnancy hormones on top of that, and there you go. Most of the time, I feel fairly normal and good. But then I have those moments that I simply cannot control.  One thing I have learned is that in those moments, it is best for me to embrace the feelings and remember Faith. It helps me so much to do so, and also aides in my "healing", if you will.

I know I will miss Faith until the day I go home to Heaven.  I am also learning about missing her every day.  Each day is a new day, and therefore, a new day of my grief journey...

I love you Faith.

Baking with Faith

Today I have spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen doing some baking.  I made a turkey breast pot pie for us for dinner.  It turned out very well.  

After that, I started putting together sugar cookie dough.  This recipe is one of my favorites for sugar cookies.  It has sour cream, so they have a soft tangy taste.

I miss Faith a lot today, but I know as I am baking and enjoying the holiday spirit, she is with me.

Yesterday, I baked some chocolate chip cookies and also made some lemon squares.  They were both delicious.  We have been putting up Christmas lights and playing games.  It has been nice to relax and get into the Christmas spirit since we returned from Buenos Aires.  

Right now we have the door and a couple windows open and it is wonderful weather.  As the breeze is blowing in the trees, I feel Faith with me.  I miss her and will always miss her, a part of me is gone. I know that while a part of me is gone, a part of her lives in my heart always.

I love you Faith.

Missing Faith

We are still on our trip. I don't know too much to say today except that I miss Faith very much. 

I miss her more at certain times than at others. I guess that's "normal". Every time I see a baby (or young girl), when I pass a shop with baby items, when I see others playing with their child/children...I miss Faith. 

I do have a relationship with her, although it's not the "traditional" mother-daughter relationship. I talk to her frequently. She's constantly on my mind & always in my heart. 

I know I have grown (& grown up) so much over the past year: physically, mentally, & spiritually. Not that I wanted to, but I have been forced to. 

While my heart aches for my daughter, know this: I appreciate life & all it's wonders now more than I ever did before. While I would certainly rather have Faith with me, I know that she's taught me to live & love in ways I never knew possible. For that, Faith, my Princess, thank you. ❤️