Faith-Shaped Hole

Earlier this evening, my husband, our daughter Joy, and I were hanging out in the bedroom watching a Christmas movie.  We talked about Faith and how she would be laying right next to Joy in the bed with us if she were here.  It was a very difficult moment.  I know we will always have a Faith-shaped hole in our hearts as long as we live.  Missing Faith makes me realize how much I get caught up in life and get concerned about some things that simply don't matter.  Family matters, friends matter, kindness matters, helping others matters, sharing His love matters.  

For me, reaching out to others about pregnancy/infant/child loss matters very much.  I know that I need to use the Faith-shaped hole in my heart to help others who may be going through such a loss.  Loss is not easy, but having others who have experienced similar makes you know that you are not alone.  I hope to be this help to others experiencing the loss of an infant.  

As we quickly approach the holiday season, I know it is especially difficult for those going through loss.  We found out I was pregnant with Faith the day before Thanksgiving in 2013.  Thanksgiving is forever changed for me, but will always remain a favorite holiday for me.  As I look toward our bright future, I will forever hold my Faith-shaped hole in my heart.

We love and miss you so much baby girl.  XO

Being Thankful

This evening I am reflecting on today and being thankful.  I was thinking of Faith earlier this evening when my husband and I were spending time with Joy and having such a wonderful time.  I found myself wondering about what Faith would be life if she were here today.  I miss her so much sometimes.  I cannot help but wonder how she sounds, what she looks like, etc...someday I will know.  

As I reflect and wonder about what Faith is like now in Heaven, I must always remember to be thankful for what I do have here with me now.  I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful, sweet daughter, Joy.  

I am also surrounded now by other family and friends, who make my life so wonderful.  We are now living in the country where I grew up, and I am SO thankful that God has brought us here to raise Joy in the slower paced, more relaxed, family friendly atmosphere.  

I was looking out over the country sky this evening earlier telling my husband that it is still surreal that we are here for me.  I am so very happy and at peace here.  I love it here and I feel like I am HOME again.

I am thankful for knowing that God has placed us here to do some great things.  I have some very special things that He has placed in my heart to do, and I feel that once I get unpacked and settled in, that I can begin to start working on those things.  

No matter what life throws at you, always remember to be thankful for who and what you have.

Missing Faith

As we draw near to Joy's first birthday, I have been thinking about and missing Faith.  I cannot help but miss her and think of what she may be like today.  She would be 2 years and 3 months old now.  I know she is a wonderful big sister and she would be a great one here if she were here.  

We moved in June to IL to be close to my family with a lot of cousins that are around Joy's age so she can grow up around family.  It is also a much more relaxed way of life than living so close to the big city.  We both wanted this for Joy.  I am SO thrilled that we made this decision and am SO excited for Joy to be able to grow up where I grew up.  But along with this excitement also comes a bit of longing for Faith.  If I close my eyes, I can almost see her running and playing along with all the rest of the kids.  I know she is here with us in so many ways.  

I know that as we celebrate Joy's birthday on Sunday, I will be so happy and excited to watch her open presents and taste her first cake and ice cream.  I also know that a tiny part of me will long to see Faith join in on all the fun.  I am certain she will be celebrating with us in Heaven.

I love and miss you my precious Faith.

XO,
Mommy

How Being a Mommy of Two makes me a better Parent of One

As I was playing with Joy the other day and as Faith's second birthday approaches, I was thinking of the person I have become since Faith died.  I can speculate all day about the type of parent I would have been if they both were here, but that is not the case.  At the end of the day, I miss Faith so very much.  But I know in my heart that having her for the short time that I did, has made me a better person all around and for sure a better parent to Joy.  I can't count the number of times I kiss her and tell her that I love her in a day.  Most of the time, I walk in a pretty good amount of patience.

Do not get me wrong.  In no way am I saying that others with children who haven't lost a child love their children any less.  I am simply stating that I believe I love and mother Joy differently and better than I would have if it would not have been for Faith.

One might say that since Faith is not here with us, I am able to share the love I have for her with Joy, loving Joy "doubly".  I believe this is the case.  I can only love Faith in my heart, so I believe it is her gift to Joy have that special love expressed from me since Faith cannot be here with us now.

All in all, I truly believe that I am a better mother to Joy because of Faith.  I love and miss Faith more and more with each passing day and will continue to do so.  I know in my heart that this missing and loving Faith, helps me to be a better mommy to them both and a better mother to Joy than I would have been without Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 31 - Sunset

Well, today is the last day of Capture Your Grief for this year.  Of course the topic is Sunset.  I did not get a picture of a sunset here in FL, USA today, although I am sure it was very nice.  

So, for my picture for today, I am using a picture I took not too long ago in this area, so it is still my picture and it is still around sunset at an area close to where I live!

As this project comes to a close this year, I am thankful that I have taken the time to participate.  It has been a great time for me to take time out of my days and to reflect and think about Faith.  I miss her so very much.

 

Earlier this evening my husband and I were enjoying spending time with Joy.  We dressed her up like an angel for Halloween and she was just beautiful.  As I looked and listened to her, I couldn't help but wonder what Faith would be like if she were here.  

It has only been a year and a half since Faith went to Heaven.  I know as I live my life every day that as long as I am here the sun will rise and the sun will set, however, the sun will never set on my love for Faith.

I love and miss you my darling first daughter.

Capture Your Grief - Day 27 - Self Portrait

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Self Portrait.  This is an interesting topic I think.  It forces us to search ourselves and who we are today; looking through the experience of losing our child.  Today, I am taking this topic question by question...just to change it up a bit.  Here I go!

Q: Who am I now in this present moment?

A: I can honestly say that I am Sara Bryant, happy wife, happy mom, happy daughter, happy sister, happy niece, happy cousin...I guess I can truly say that I am happy again.  I didn't think I would be able to be happy again after losing Faith, but I am.  I know that she wants me to be happy and enjoy my life, so I do.  I love making jewelry.  I love raising Joy.  I love my husband.  I really like living in the sun.  God has given me so much and I am so thankful.  

Q: Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of my child?

A: Absolutely, yes.  I have been forever changed by Faith's death.  I will miss her until the day we meet again in Heaven.  I will grieve her until the same moment.  However, although I have been irrevocably changed negatively from Faith's death, I have also been positively changed.  I cherish life and moments and people so much more than I did before.  I understand that so much stuff simply does NOT matter.  I try to help others as much as I can.  I am trying to actually DO the things I have wanted to do in my life instead of just talking about doing them.  I don't want to wake up years from now and wonder what I did with my life.  I do my best to live to love others; the God-kind of love.  I believe this is the best way I can honor Faith's memory and keep her alive in my heart.

Q:  How am I different now?

A: Please refer to the last question and answer.

Q: Do I love anything about the new me?

A: Absolutely!  I love how much I love now.  In some strange way, losing Faith has given me such a great capacity to love.  I think it is because I now have a true revelation of how precious and short life is that I try to love others as much as I can.  I also have a new found motivation to do the things I truly want to do in my life.  I have talked about doing some things for a long time instead of doing them.  I am more motivated to do these things now and I love that.

Q: What part of me do I want back?

A: Hmmm...the obvious answer here would be Faith.  However, I know that is not what this question is asking.  I guess I would have to say my rose-colored glasses through which I used to view the world.  I would like my ability to view pregnancy as purely a wonderful time versus having a lingering fear.  I think that is what I want back the most.  Although, when I was pregnant with Joy, most of the time I really did just enjoy her and being pregnant, there were times I was terrified.

I am using 2 pictures of myself to make my self portrait.  I believe these 2 pictures capture who I am today very well.  One is a picture of me happy smelling Faith's hibiscus flower in our backyard, symbolizing how she is always with me.  The other is with me, Owen, and Joy.  These 2 pictures combine to show who I am today.

Capture Your Grief - Day 24 - Choose Your Breath

Choose Your Breath is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  Most days I would say that I have a pretty good handle on where I am in my grief journey.  I certainly do believe that grief and healing can co-exist.  I believe I am living proof of that fact.

While I don't believe I will ever completely "heal" from losing Faith, I do believe that I am going through a healing process.  The Lord has restored so much back to me.  He has blessed us with another daughter, Joy, who truly does bring joy to my life every day.  She is so wonderful.  

By NO means does one child ever replace another.  However, I do believe that The Lord blessing us with Joy has helped me on my grief journey with Faith.  I am loving every moment I share with Joy.  At the same time, there are moments when I wonder what these "firsts" moments would have been like with Faith.

Joy is three months old today.  If Faith were here, she would be one year and six months old.  As strange as it is for me, I have a very strong, yet very different bond with both of my daughters.  I am blessed to hold and love Joy physically every day.  Faith I hold and love in my heart.  I've never known that so much love and so much pain could co-exist in a person's life, but it does...

Capture Your Grief - Day 22 - Dreams + Rituals

Dreams + Rituals, that is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  Do I have any dreams for my future?  The simple answer to this question is yes.  I have many dreams for my future.  I would love to see my jewelry business in honor of Faith continue to grow and grow.  I also look forward to continuing to see Joy grow and one day to tell her about her older sister, Faith.

I also believe that when the time is right, I will be able to help others going through this tremendous loss in some way.  I have thought about volunteering for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I have also thought about reaching out to local hospitals and other organizations to do presentations to educate people regarding pregnancy and infant loss.  I believe that The Lord will open the doors for me to do something like this when I am ready emotionally to do so.

I don't really have any rituals regarding Faith's birthday or other special days.  This past year, we had a birthday cake for her on her first birthday.  On her due date we released balloons for her.  I believe moving forward we'll probably go out to eat on her birthday to "celebrate".  I imagine I will wear the shirt that I had made for myself with her footprints, name and birthday...

Mommy misses and loves you so much Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 9 - Family

Family is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  For the sake of time and length, I will focus this blog post to my spouse and children, as I come from a large family and have many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc...  

I also have a number of close friends that I consider family...

Faith is and always will be a special part of our family.  She is our first daughter.  However, since she now resides in Heaven, my earthly family consists of my husband and our daughter, Joy.  They are my loves and mean the world to me.

My husband, Owen, is my true love and my best friend.  You know that old saying "who would you call if your goldfish died?"... my husband is that man to me.  He is my partner, my love, my companion, my rock.

Joy is the light that brightens my days.  She is such a beautiful little girl and is so happy.  I thank God for blessing us with her.  She is 11 weeks old today!  I am truly enjoying being her mommy and watching her grow.

When you look at my family, you only see three of us.  In reality, there are 4, Faith lives in our hearts.

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Wish List

Wish List is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  Where do I begin with my wish list for my grief journey?  I suppose I want others to remember Faith, first and foremost.  I also sincerely want to speak out and educate others about what happened to me and Faith in hopes that we can save other precious babies so that her death will not be in vain.

I wish that with every passing day my love and relationship with Faith will continue to grow.  I wish to teach our second daughter, Joy, about her big sister when she is old enough to understand.

I think I have so many wishes it is difficult to decide what all to write about...

I wish that as time passes, my heart will continue to heal.  Although I know the pain I feel will never go away, with time, I believe the pain will continue to grow into more love.  I know losing Faith will always be gut wrenching for me, but I would like to think that someday my love for her will be stronger than the pain.  Although, it may never be, because when you love someone so much, that is why there is so much pain...

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Dark + Light

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Dark + Light.  This topic makes perfect sense to me.  I have gone through so many emotions and feelings in the time since Faith died.  Of course, during the immediate time after she passed, my life seemed only Dark.  I did not want to continue living.  Looking back, I suppose this is a natural initial response. 

After some time, I began to see the Light that has come from Faith's brief life with us.  Although, I certainly would prefer for her to be here with us, I have learned so much from her being in Heaven.  I see life as so much more precious than I did before.  Although I knew life was precious before, it just became more so having lost Faith.  

One thing that is certainly Light about Faith is that she is in Heaven.  I wish with all my heart that she were here with us to see the sky, the ocean, the trees, animals, etc...  But, on the other side of that wish, I also know that Faith never knew anything but love on this earth.  She never felt pain, rejection, hurt, or any other negative things.  She opened her eyes for the first time and saw our Lord.  From an eternal standpoint, it really doesn't get better than that.

Another Light in this Dark, is that we now have our daughter, Joy.  While we of course would love to have them both here if we could choose, we cannot.  It is possible that Joy may not have been with us if Faith would have survived...

So, as I continue my grief journey, which I believe I always will, I will continue to have an equal mix of Dark + Light.

Scared

Over the last 8 months, I have loved being pregnant with Joy.  I cannot believe she will be born in about 6 weeks or less.  There have been so many emotions and feelings that have been inside me during this pregnancy.  

Most of the time, I am beyond thrilled, and extremely happy.  However, there are a few times that I have been scared and a small part of me still is...but not for the reason(s) most people would think...

I am not scared to give birth, of the pain, of any of that part.  That may be crazy, but that doesn't scare me.

I am scared that Joy will look like Faith.  I am scared that Joy will not look like Faith.  I am scared that as I hold Joy in my arms I will miss Faith more than I already do now.  I am scared that I as we leave the hospital with Joy, the feeling that I failed Faith will come back all the more.  

I am scared that as I have my "firsts" with Joy, my heart will miss all the "firsts" I will never have with Faith.  I am scared that as I love Joy it will make me miss Faith all the more.  I don't know if that makes any sense at all at this point, but for some reason that is how I feel right now and it makes sense to me.

I know that Joy will literally be our pride and joy.  I thank God for blessing us with both Faith and Joy.  Joy is moving around as I write this, and feeling her makes me so happy.

I will always think of Faith and wonder how she would be, what she would look like, what we'd be doing if she were here.  I know that as I love and watch Joy grow, I will always have a place in my heart that will long for her sister.

Despite being so happy and loving Joy, I know that part of me will always be a bit scared...

View from the Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital to see my MFM specialist earlier today.  There were quite a few people in the waiting room.  As we were waiting, a man wheeled a Mom & her newborn boy down & stopped to wait for their car to pull up. A lady was with them pushing a cart of the Mom's belongings & gifts that were sent for them.

I had to fight back tears as they sat there. Memories of leaving the hospital last April without Faith flooded me.  Someone in the waiting room made a comment that the guy pushing the Mom's wheelchair has a fun job. I thought to myself, yeah, I guess most of the time, yes, he has a fun job.  I was once again reminded of a time when I too, was ignorant of what sometimes happens.

Part of me wanted to tell that Mom how blessed she is. Part of me wanted to break down. Then our Princess, Joy gave me a kick & I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with love & smile.  As I looked at this woman & her precious newborn leaving the hospital, I knew that will be me in 7 weeks or less & I am thrilled beyond belief.  

This pregnancy has been quite an interesting mix of feelings & emotions, but ultimately, it has been one of the most amazing times of my life thus far and I look forward to Joy being born so much so I can hold her in my arms.

Reflections of Mother's Day

I had a very good Mother's Day this year. My parents were visiting, so I was blessed to be able to share Mother's Day with my mother.  It was very nice.  

My wonderful husband gave me a very special card, beautiful roses and a very beautiful charm with Faith's name and birthday for one of my charm bracelets.  

I am so excited to be pregnant with Joy, so it was very nice to celebrate Mother's Day for her.  At the same time, I am certain that Mother's Day will always be a bittersweet day for me.  Faith Melody will always be my first daughter, the beautiful girl who made me a mother.  I love and miss you baby girl.

Mother's Day on the Way

As Mother's Day approaches again this year, I find myself thinking of Faith, Joy, as well as my Mother, and Mother-In-Law.  Last year, we were blessed to spend Mother's Day with my husband's mother.  It was quite a difficult day, having just lost Faith, but also a special day, as it was my first Mother's Day.  My husband gave me a beautiful yellow rose last Mother's Day and I will treasure it for years to come.

This year, we will be blessed to be able to spend Mother's Day with my mother, as my parents will be visiting us during that time.  I am really looking forward to spending the day with my mother and celebrating the day as Faith and Joy's mother.  

I look forward to spending time with my mother on this special day, but also being able to give her something that will show her this love.  If you are looking for something special to give to your mother on this special day, please stop by my store, Faith Melody Memories, in honor of my first born, Faith.  I am currently offering a 10% discount on all orders between now and May 9 by using the code 10MOTHER upon checkout.  I also have a section that has many items that are $15.00 and less to chose from.

As we get closer to Mother's Day, I ask you to please remember the women in your life who may be a mother to a child(ren) that are no longer with them for any reason.  This day is a difficult day for them, so even if you are not able to buy them a gift, share your time, love, and kind words with them. Even if you do not see any children with them, they are still a mother.

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - Sacred Place

The topic for today's Capture Your Grief is Sacred Place.  While I was at work today, a good part of my day was thinking about Faith (big surprise).  

I must say, though, that what I really wanted to do was to come home and write in the journal that I just started writing in for/to her (special thanks to Carly Marie and the Capture Your Grief project - Day 5).

As I was feeling a great need to be at home and write in my journal, I realized that doing so, for me, is like being able to spend time with Faith.  

I know as the time goes by that there will be many ways that I will be able to spend time with her, but for now, this is a very big part of my "Faith & Me" time.

I do not, as of yet, have one place (i.e. the beach, a park, the forest) on earth that I go to spend time with Faith.  For now, my sacred place is my journal.  It fills my heart with love and joy to be able to go to my journal and write to Faith, for Faith, about Faith, for me...

While I do feel Faith with me always, and especially when I am enjoying the beauty of nature, my journal, no, Our Journal, will forever be Our Sacred Place.