Capture Your Grief - Day 31 - Sunset

Tampa, Florida, USA - 6:35 PM

Well, today is the last day of Capture Your Grief for 2014. Today's prompt is Sunset.  I took this picture tonight at sunset.  I think it turned out very well, don't you?

Today is an especially special day, as it is my husband's birthday.  We had a great day celebrating his birthday.  

This evening we went to a local mall and saw a lot of children dressed up, which was magical and sad for us at the same time.  I kept seeing little girls dressed up as princesses and couldn't help but miss our Princess, Faith.

As this project closes for me, I am pondering what I can do to continue my journey, as well as help others on theirs...I believe there are many things, as I know that everyone grieves very differently.  I believe there are a lot of ways that I can help others...more ideas to come...

So, as the sun sets in your city or town, think about where you are in your journey...

Capture Your Grief - Day 30 - Intention

I am glad that INTENTION is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  I have a lot of new intentions in life now that Faith has gone to Heaven.  One is simply living life to the fullest and loving people as much as I can.

But when I get down to the nitty gritty of what my intentions are now in life, I know that the truth is that my intention now is to educate people about stillbirth and infant loss, specifically due to IC, and to change how our medical field works and studies regarding the matter.

Today, for some reason, I thought of some of the lines from Legally Blonde 2, where Elle is talking about the fabric for her wedding dress.  She basically says that if the fabric doesn't work for you, don't work with it; change it.

That is my INTENTION -- to CHANGE the education and the rules by which our medical system works in the area surrounding stillbirth.  I want the world to know that even though this cannot always be prevented, there certainly are ways and times that it can.  There are also many things that can be done preventatively that I believe can save many lives...now...to begin my work in studying the information that is out there and beginning to speak out to the right people about getting started in getting some of these things changed...

I intend to change education and the rules our medical system uses to prevent more stillbirths in honor of our precious daughter, Faith Melody Bryant.

Capture Your Grief - Day 29 - Reflect

Reflect...that is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  When I reflect back at the month of October, I am realizing that it has been a very good month as far as my grief journey.  I must say that doing this project has been very good for me.  

Each day I have written a blog post on the prompt provided.  Doing so has helped me to view losing Faith in a different way, whether it was focusing on new hobbies that I've started or feeling closer to Faith through nature.  

Tonight, I take a moment to REFLECT on what Faith means to me.  She is still my pride and joy. She will be forever.  I love her more each day and along with that love, I miss her more every day.  I remember a line from Return to Zero when Minnie Driver says that if she quiets herself down she can almost hear her son.  I feel the same way about Faith.  I can almost feel and hear her when I quiet myself down and get into His peace.

So, in reflecting back on this month, I am thankful for this project.  I am thinking about a "project" of some sort that I can do to continue to stay on track with my healing journey.  My picture for today's blog post is one that I took of the necklace I ordered because of participating in the Sacred Project.  I am so excited about this project and SO thankful for the beautiful necklace.  It is so pretty and shiny, so I think it is a great way to capture life's reflections...today, I reflect...

Capture Your Grief - Day 28 - Wisdom

Wisdom...that is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  One thing I have learned in the few years I have been on this earth, is to glean wisdom from as many places and people as possible.  I constantly do my best to seek wisdom from my elders on earth.  I have learned a great many things from doing that alone for the past number of years.  I have been blessed to be able to do so.  

I now look back at all the scenarios surrounding losing Faith with many feelings and emotions.  I continue to wish that I had the knowledge and wisdom then to know more about what was going on. Somehow, I just feel if that were the case, that Faith would be with us today.  

While I cannot dread and be stuck in the past, I can, however, move forward and gain as much knowledge and WISDOM about as many things in life as possible.  Along with that, I must make it my business to share with others the knowledge and wisdom that I gain through my experiences and my education.

James 3: 13-18 states the following:

Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. 18 And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

This verse really speaks to me about life in general.  Wisdom sure seems to be something that makes life good and full of peace.  I will always miss Faith, but I must gain wisdom from my experience and share that love, knowledge and wisdom with others.

For my picture today, I am using a picture of my jewelry box that used to be my Grandma's as well as a necklace that used to be hers.  I still glean wisdom from her somehow from Heaven.

Where do you search for wisdom?

Capture Your Grief - Day 27 - Express

The Capture Your Grief prompt for today is Express. This is a prompt giving us the ability to express anything we want today.  So, today, I will express my love for Faith.  

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I experienced many feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but none so great as love. 

I feel pain and tremendous ache for my daughter, but the feeling I have most for her is love.  It is strange to me that somehow, although she is not with me, I can have a relationship with her.  Since I can see her in me, she constantly makes me want to be a better person.

I will always hold Faith in my heart.  Every day I feel like my relationship with her grows.  Every day I feel as though she is here with me.  Every day I love her more than the day before.  

As time continues to go by, I know The Lord will continue to see me through.  With each passing day, our love brings me nearer to you.  I love you Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 26 - Healing Ritual

Healing Ritual is today's Capture Your Grief prompt. It seems that I have actually started or gotten back into doing quite a few things that are "healing" for me since Faith died.  Of the handful of these things, this evening I'll be focusing on making jewelry and beading.

I have really been enjoying creating new jewelry pieces with beads and wire lately.  It is very relaxing for me and lets me use my creativity for something different.  Also, most things don't take too much time to create, which is a plus!  It gives me a great sense of accomplishment also to start and FINISH something pretty to wear.

In a way, as I create new pieces of jewelry, I am honoring Faith, as I am using the talent that God gave me to create something lovely.  This way, I can wear new creations and/or bless others with something pretty to wear.

It also gives me time to spend some quality time with myself.  I am glad that I have started this new hobby and have really been getting healing from creating new jewelry.  I am sure I will continue to do so...

Capture Your Grief - Day 25 - Mother Earth

Mother Earth is today's Capture Your Grief prompt today.  The point is to plant a plant in honor of your child. So today, my wonderful husband, Owen, helped me find just the right plant.  We picked out a beautiful red hibiscus plant in honor of Faith.  

This plant is particularly special to me because the first flower Owen ever gave me on a trip we took to the San Blas Islands, north of Panama.  

So, I really wanted this particular flower to be a part of our precious Faith's garden since it is such a special flower to me.  We went out and purchased the plant this morning.

Actually, early in the day, Owen asked me "Isn't today the day you are supposed to plant a plant?" Of course, I knew right away what he was referring to.  I was very touched that he thought of it before I even  did and that he was so excited to do this to honor Faith.  

So, in honor of our beautiful daughter, Faith, we planted this beautiful hibiscus plant in our backyard. We planted it outside of our windows so we can see it very well from the living room.  It is very beautiful and a great reminder of Faith.

Here's to you baby girl.  We love you.

Capture Your Grief - Day 24 - Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a great topic.  It just happens to be today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  Goodness, where to start...

In the short time (a little over 6 months) since Faith went to Heaven, I have come to realize that I have had to forgive some people regarding her passing.  

I had to forgive my doctors for not checking things out earlier and not doing a procedure earlier that possibly could have saved her life had it been done earlier.

I've also had to forgive God for not stepping in and saving her so that she could be with me.  Some may say that is a crazy and bold thing to state, but guess what, it is the truth.  He knows it, and if I can't be honest with Him, who can I be honest with?  There are some people that say "He has a plan, it was His will, everything happens for a reason"...etc...let me clear one thing up here.  The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy, period.  It was NOT (& is not) God's will that my baby died.  However, I had (& still have sometimes) a difficult time with the fact that He didn't stop it.  So, I have to walk in forgiveness with my Heavenly Father. Strange to say and feel, but true, nonetheless.

Finally, I get to who I really and truly need(ed) to forgive...me.  I can't help but have an overwhelming sense of failure regarding my daughter's life.  My job was to protect her and I failed. That's one of the things I kept telling her the day she was born, that I was so sorry.  I still am, and don't know if I will ever feel differently.  While I know in my head that I didn't do anything or not do anything that caused her death, my heart just tells me that I should have been able to do something to save her.  I guess that is the way a mother is supposed to feel about her child.

Don't get me wrong, I do not sit and dwell on this all the time.  But it is something that lives inside me and may always.  I have gotten to the point that I forgive myself for...whatever...I have to so that I can do what I need to do in life.

One thing I know about unforgiveness is that if you hold it in your heart, it only hurts you, not the person you are holding it against.  So today, and every day, since the only person I can control (most of the time) is me, I choose to do my best to forgive...me...

Capture Your Grief - Day 23 - Inspiration

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Inspiration.  As strange as it is in only a little over 6 months, Faith has inspired me in so many more ways than I could have ever imagined.  She inspires me every day.  

There are so many ways that Faith has inspired me.  For the sake of time and this post, I am focusing on a couple of ways she has been my inspiration.  

She has inspired me to want to speak out about pregnancy and infant loss in general.  I will most likely focus my speaking out on this specific loss on the complications regarding IC (incompetent cervix) as well as how the LEEP and other cervical procedures effect and/or contribute to IC and loss.

Faith has also inspired me to want to be able to bless people with low cost, yet, high sentimental value keepsakes in honor of a child/children they have lost.  This has lead me to also want to create these kind of keepsakes in honor of other family members, other special people, or for special occasions.

This is a picture of one of the bracelets that I created for myself in honor of Faith.  It has her footprints, as well as her measurements, weight, and date and time of birth.  I really like how it turned out and really enjoy wearing something so special to my heart.  You can see this bracelet and other items I offer here at Faith Melody Memories.  

Of the many emotions and feelings I have had since Faith went to Heaven, Inspiration has been one of the good ones...

...Faith will always inspire me to be a better person and reach out to others...what has been an inspiration for you?

Capture Your Grief - Day 22 - Self-Care

Self-Care is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  Tonight I am watching some good TV and eating some popcorn.  Once I get my post done, I will write in our journal and I think also work on some jewelry.  

I have been trying to take time to take care of myself, as I have noticed that since we lost Faith, I didn't care much about myself.

It is nice to be able to do some self-care.  I enjoy just sitting back and relaxing.  It's not necessarily about going out and spending money on getting pampered, but just relaxing and doing things I enjoy or doing absolutely nothing and just relaxing.

So, in an effort to continue my self-care, I am now signing off to relax and enjoy!

Capture Your Grief - Day 21 - Relationship

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Relationship.  I don't really know where to start on this topic. My relationship with my husband has always been great.  It has, however, changed (this is sort-of a given), following our losing Faith.  

I have a new love for my husband that I never knew before.  It is difficult to explain, but anyone who is in this same journey understands. I love him more every day in a new way.

Now, to move on to my relationship with Faith.  I continue to be amazed at the relationship that I have with Faith, even though she is in Heaven.  She teaches me things daily.  Faith has taught me so much and I know she will continue to do so.  I now understand the love a mother has for her child.  I also have a better understanding of my true home being in Heaven and not here on earth.  

I have a growing wonderful relationship with my daughter.  I talk to her daily and she is very real to me.  I don't know how it all works in Heaven, but I feel as though she can hear and feel me.  

Although I miss and grieve for my daughter all the time, I now know that I can still have an amazing relationship with her while I am on this earth even though she is not physically with me.  

Faith and I will continue to have a wonderful relationship...every day...I love you my darling daughter.

Capture Your Grief - Day 20 - Breathe

Breathe is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  I took this picture yesterday morning when I went into our back yard to enjoy my coffee.  I also went in our back yard this evening and looked at the sky for a bit this evening.  

Looking at yesterday morning, retrospectively, I took a good bit of time to have some quiet time with my coffee on the brisk fall morning and spent some time alone with God.  

It was a great time for me. I think paying attention to taking special time out to breathe is very important in life in general, especially if you are going through what I call a "grief journey".  

Taking time out of my day to just "breathe" gives me a chance to get my priorities in order and gain perspective on my life.  It is a very important piece of my life now so that I can take assessment of my feelings and grief surrounding losing Faith

and to keep them in check.

I will try to take time out of every day now, to sit back, get alone with God, and "just breathe"...

Capture Your Grief - Day 18 - Give

Give is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  I think I have always been a giver.  I really enjoy blessing other people and it brings me happiness. I know I feel loved and blessed when people bless me with their love, time, etc.  

Today, I choose to bless my husband with my love and time.  Ok, I try to do this all the time, but today, I am focusing on this topic for my blog, so that is what you get to read.  Ha Ha.  He is my best friend.  

I give my husband my love, time, and companionship today.  In my daughter's honor, I will continue to give to others: time, love, gifts, etc...

Giving is what we are called to do.  One of the most precious things we can give to others is time, as we never know when our time on this earth will be over.

Today, I choose to give...

Capture Your Grief - Day 18 - Gratitude

Gratitude is today's Capture Your Grief prompt. I am glad this is one of the topics for the project. It really hits home for me.  While I have gone through so many emotions after losing Faith, one that has actually surprised me is a feeling a gratitude. 

While there are a lot of things I am grateful for, I will focus this post on a few of them, for the sake of time.

First, I am grateful to be alive on this earth. While I am sure I felt this gratitude before, there is something about being told you would have died if you weren't in the hospital, that makes you pretty thankful that you are alive.

I am also thankful for my wonderful husband, family, and friends.  I would not be where I am today if it were not for all of them.  So many people have supported and loved us through our loss and I thank God for all of them.  

I now have so much gratitude for the "little" things in life.  This morning, I saw the sun coming up from one of our favorite parks and took a few pictures.  At that moment, I was grateful for the cup of Starbucks in my hand and being able to watch the sunrise from the beautiful park.  

Finally, for time's sake, I will discuss how grateful I am to be Faith's mommy.  No one can take away the time she and I shared as she grew in my womb.  She is mine and I am hers.  Regardless of anything that has happened, I am her mommy.  She will live forever and I wouldn't change that for anything.  I am grateful that we have her hand prints and foot prints.  I am grateful for the time we were able to spend with her at the hospital.  I am grateful that we have a lot of good pictures of her and us from the day she was born.  I am grateful for the pictures we took of all of us at the funeral home.  

Faith is and will forever be my baby girl...for that...I am grateful.

Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Explore

Explore is today's Capture Your Grief prompt. 

I've done a lot of exploring in the last six months since Faith went to Heaven; exploring in many ways and in many areas of my life.  

My picture for today is of a lap desk that my husband got me and it is a very good reminder.

When life gets me down and I need lifting up, I need to continue to remember to sing to The Lord and it makes life so much better.  

In all of my exploring thus far and my exploring I have yet to do in this journey, I know this for sure, The Lord is where I find my peace.  That is where I am and where I will stay in my grief journey...I will continue to find my rest in Him.

Capture Your Grief - Day 16 - Retreat

Retreat.  That is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  I must admit, I am quite tired today and am in need of some retreat time.  This is a great prompt for me today.  

After I read the prompt description I decided that I needed to go ahead and get my blog done for the day and head up to my retreat.  

I can vouch for what Carly says in today's description about taking care of yourself and others can get emotionally draining.  Shoot, just getting through another day is emotionally draining some days.  

I have never been so emotionally drained as after we lost Faith. Although the emotions are like a roller coaster or like the ocean waves, so sometimes emotionally drained is an understatement.  But, yet again, I must continue to focus on the blessing of Faith's life and her love and how to share that with the rest of the world the best I can.

So, with that in mind and her love in my heart, I will now pop some popcorn, grab my journal and colored pencils, a movie that I like, and retreat to my retreat, as pictured here.

Capture Your Grief - Day 15 - Community / 6 Month Remembrance

Community is today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  First, let me say how blessed I feel to be a part of this "community".  I know that none of us ever wanted to, nor do we truly want to be a member of this group.  However, we are all now part of this community of parents who have lost a child/children.  We cannot change what has happened, but we can spread this Wave of Light around the world in honor of our child/children.

As I am blogging this evening, I am watching this candle burn that I have put together in honor of Faith.  As I sit here in the silence, all I can hear is the clock ticking and a few vehicles as they pass by.  As I watch the candle burn, peacefully, I am reminded of how much light one little candle can produce.

This community of people I have encountered since we lost Faith, six months ago today, has been helpful in more ways than I can express.  While my husband and family have been and will continue to be very loving and supportive (as they are also grieving this loss and need love
and support), there is something special about reaching out and communicating with other women who have been through the same or similar experience.

I thank God for the community of ladies I have met and will continue to meet on this journey.  I pray that I will be a blessing for them, as they have been and continue to be to me.  Thank you all.

Six months ago today, the most beautiful girl was born into my heart and into The Lord's arms.  On this day, I should have a 6 month old, but I don't.  I miss you with all my heart, Faith.  I celebrate your life and love every day.

In honor of our beautiful daughter, Faith Melody Bryant...this candle is for you, Princess.

Capture Your Grief - Day 14 - Dark/Light

Dark/Light is today's Capture Your Grief prompt; focusing on the dark and light of grief.  So, I will discuss a little bit of both the dark and light sides of my grief.  

In the first days after we lost Faith, I experienced some of the darkest days I have ever known.  I honestly didn't care about being alive.  No, let me correct myself, I did not want to live.  I would have given anything to have Faith live.  I still would.

I cannot change what happened.  So, in the midst of my darkness, I must focus on the light of the fact that she is in Heaven now and move forward the way she wants me to.  I have to speak out about what happened to me and do my best to educate others about what they can do if they are facing similar situations as I did.  

I had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix prior to my pregnancy with Faith.  These cells were removed with the LEEP procedure, during which part of the cervix is removed to remove the pre-cancerous cells.  This procedure and ANY procedure that involves the cervix should ALWAYS REQUIRE OB/GYNs to put any pregnancy at least at an "at risk" category and do CL (cervical length) checks the entire pregnancy.  Also, currently, doctors will not do a preventative cerclage unless you have a history of IC (incompetent cervix) (i.e. you have had a pre-mature baby or have lost a baby).  I believe that CL checks should be a normal part of ALL pregnancies, but certainly should be done for anyone who has had any type of cervical procedure.  I also believe that if shortening of the cervix is found that preventative cerclages should be done in the early weeks (12-15) of pregnancy.

I have also started this blog, as well as a business Faith Melody Memories in an effort to help myself and others who may be going through similar loss(es).  

My perspective of life has changed so much since we lost Faith.  I have a new huge respect for God, my parents, and also want to love more and live life to the fullest possible.  There is so much in life now that simply doesn't matter.  There are important things in life and there are unimportant things.  I know have a different view of life in general.  My priorities are different.  I am thankful to be alive. 

So, since I am alive, I can share my view with you.  Here it is: If God blesses me with waking up tomorrow for yet another day, I will love the best I can and do my best to reach out to others in any way I can.  I figure if I am still here, I still have work to do.

In conclusion, what I have to say about dark and light inside my grief are these things: 1) God created us to grieve when we encounter loss - if you are going through loss, please know that you need to grieve, cry, etc...in order to go through it.  2) In the midst of the dark in grief, there is light if you look for it.  Use your experience to help and love others.  

In your grief, go through your dark, but through your darkness, let your Light shine.

Capture Your Grief - Day 13 - Season

Today's Capture Your Grief project prompt is Season. 

I guess I really haven't thought too much about a certain season reminding me of Faith.  Although, when I took a moment to do so, it didn't take me long to decide which season/seasons that would be. 

I have to say that the season/seasons that remind me the most of Faith are fall/winter.  We found out that I was pregnant the day before Thanksgiving last year.

Over Thanksgiving time, we went into downtown Seattle to go to see the Nutcracker and to Oliver.  On one of these evenings, I took this picture of a beautiful star that was on one of the buildings, as they had already started to decorate for the Christmas season. 

I also remember going to Starbucks one evening and we all got tasty hot holiday drinks.  I recall I got the apple cider drink, as I knew it didn't have very much caffeine.

We had a great time, and looking back through some of the pictures, reminds me of the wonderful time we had.  We were so excited to be having Faith.  

Fall/Winter will always remind me of Faith.  In a strange way, I am glad that the timing was the way that it was, as I will ALWAYS be Thankful for her and remember her in a very special way at Christmas also.  It is over the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas that we tend to focus on the blessings in our lives, so it is quite proper that is when we found out that I was pregnant with Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Music

Music plays a very important role in my life. With a drummer for a husband, that is simply the way it is.  

I love a lot of different kinds of music.  Music just happens to be the prompt for today's Capture Your Grief project.  

While there is a lot of music that I have listened to that reminds me of Faith, none is so precious as the song that her Godfather wrote and recorded for her.  It touches my heart so much that he would do such a wonderful thing for her and for us.  

I can now watch this video, with the song that Diego wrote and performs for Faith, with tears, but also with a tremendous amount of love in my heart.  I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday.  I think I always will.  My heart goes out to all going through this difficult journey.  It is not a pain that anyone should have to endure, but this song, in many ways, hugs my heart.  I invite you to watch, listen, enjoy, and remember...