My Faith Walk Today

Today, I am reflecting on my life without Faith.  I am now a little past 14 weeks pregnant with our rainbow child.  Some days I am still not really sure how to feel about being pregnant again so soon. Although I now find myself talking to both Faith and our new baby.  I read to both of them in the morning.  I thank The Lord for both of our children.  I look forward to raising the child I am now pregnant with and to being able to hold Faith again one day in Heaven.  

It has been almost 10 months now since Faith went to Heaven.  I've experienced things that I do not wish on my worst enemy (if I had any enemies, ha ha).  At the same time, retrospectively, I view the day Faith was born as both one of the worst and one of the best/most beautiful days of my life.  I see life so differently than I did before.  Some things simply don't matter.  What does matter is loving people and enjoying every moment we are given on this earth.

I now see myself as a totally different person, however, I still believe the same things I did before.  I believe what I have been through has made my faith walk stronger.  In going through my worst and most difficult experience in life so far, I've chosen to go to God instead of running away from Him. He has given me a peace that is certainly beyond my understanding.  I have said this recently and believe I will continue to as long as I am on this earth: 

"What happened to us and our daughter is not ok, and it will never be ok, but I am ok."  

I am amazed at the peace and grace God has given me and the strength to continue on in life with a positive outlook.

As I move forward in life with Faith in my heart, I will continue to walk with God by faith and trust Him as He continues to walk with me through life.

Thanksgiving Meal Today

 Today we made our Thanksgiving meal and enjoyed it with our friend, Gary.  It was a lot of fun cooking and baking together.  We also played pool together.  Overall, we had a very great day.  

While it was a wonderful day overall, I found my mind wondering off to think of Faith (surprise)...

The last time I ate the "Thanksgiving meal" almost a year ago, we had found out the evening before that I was pregnant with Faith.  I don't think I will ever forget the amazing feeling I had when I saw the positive pregnancy test.  I am still so in love with our daughter, actually, more every day.

I think Thanksgiving will always be a bitter-sweet time for me because of finding out that I was pregnant with Faith.  I have enjoyed Thanksgiving as long as I can remember, and I still do, it will just be a little different for me now.

Capture Your Grief - Day 21 - Relationship

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Relationship.  I don't really know where to start on this topic. My relationship with my husband has always been great.  It has, however, changed (this is sort-of a given), following our losing Faith.  

I have a new love for my husband that I never knew before.  It is difficult to explain, but anyone who is in this same journey understands. I love him more every day in a new way.

Now, to move on to my relationship with Faith.  I continue to be amazed at the relationship that I have with Faith, even though she is in Heaven.  She teaches me things daily.  Faith has taught me so much and I know she will continue to do so.  I now understand the love a mother has for her child.  I also have a better understanding of my true home being in Heaven and not here on earth.  

I have a growing wonderful relationship with my daughter.  I talk to her daily and she is very real to me.  I don't know how it all works in Heaven, but I feel as though she can hear and feel me.  

Although I miss and grieve for my daughter all the time, I now know that I can still have an amazing relationship with her while I am on this earth even though she is not physically with me.  

Faith and I will continue to have a wonderful relationship...every day...I love you my darling daughter.