Capture Your Grief - Day 21 - Sacred Space

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Sacred Space.  I currently have some items that remind me of Faith on top of my dresser in my bedroom.  I need to rearrange and move these items to a different place and add to them.  I now also have her beautiful urn on the dresser as well.  This picture was taken prior to getting her urn.  

Along with this place, I also feel close to Faith when I write in our journal.  I just feel as though we are able to "meet" there and share. At least I can share with her anyway.  

The beach also makes me feel close to Faith.  I am in total awe when I go to the beach at how big and beautiful the ocean is and it makes me feel strangely closer to Faith.  I guess because it makes me think of how amazing God is and she is with Him...

My Faith Walk Today

Today, I am reflecting on my life without Faith.  I am now a little past 14 weeks pregnant with our rainbow child.  Some days I am still not really sure how to feel about being pregnant again so soon. Although I now find myself talking to both Faith and our new baby.  I read to both of them in the morning.  I thank The Lord for both of our children.  I look forward to raising the child I am now pregnant with and to being able to hold Faith again one day in Heaven.  

It has been almost 10 months now since Faith went to Heaven.  I've experienced things that I do not wish on my worst enemy (if I had any enemies, ha ha).  At the same time, retrospectively, I view the day Faith was born as both one of the worst and one of the best/most beautiful days of my life.  I see life so differently than I did before.  Some things simply don't matter.  What does matter is loving people and enjoying every moment we are given on this earth.

I now see myself as a totally different person, however, I still believe the same things I did before.  I believe what I have been through has made my faith walk stronger.  In going through my worst and most difficult experience in life so far, I've chosen to go to God instead of running away from Him. He has given me a peace that is certainly beyond my understanding.  I have said this recently and believe I will continue to as long as I am on this earth: 

"What happened to us and our daughter is not ok, and it will never be ok, but I am ok."  

I am amazed at the peace and grace God has given me and the strength to continue on in life with a positive outlook.

As I move forward in life with Faith in my heart, I will continue to walk with God by faith and trust Him as He continues to walk with me through life.

Capture Your Grief - Day 24 - Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a great topic.  It just happens to be today's Capture Your Grief prompt.  Goodness, where to start...

In the short time (a little over 6 months) since Faith went to Heaven, I have come to realize that I have had to forgive some people regarding her passing.  

I had to forgive my doctors for not checking things out earlier and not doing a procedure earlier that possibly could have saved her life had it been done earlier.

I've also had to forgive God for not stepping in and saving her so that she could be with me.  Some may say that is a crazy and bold thing to state, but guess what, it is the truth.  He knows it, and if I can't be honest with Him, who can I be honest with?  There are some people that say "He has a plan, it was His will, everything happens for a reason"...etc...let me clear one thing up here.  The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy, period.  It was NOT (& is not) God's will that my baby died.  However, I had (& still have sometimes) a difficult time with the fact that He didn't stop it.  So, I have to walk in forgiveness with my Heavenly Father. Strange to say and feel, but true, nonetheless.

Finally, I get to who I really and truly need(ed) to forgive...me.  I can't help but have an overwhelming sense of failure regarding my daughter's life.  My job was to protect her and I failed. That's one of the things I kept telling her the day she was born, that I was so sorry.  I still am, and don't know if I will ever feel differently.  While I know in my head that I didn't do anything or not do anything that caused her death, my heart just tells me that I should have been able to do something to save her.  I guess that is the way a mother is supposed to feel about her child.

Don't get me wrong, I do not sit and dwell on this all the time.  But it is something that lives inside me and may always.  I have gotten to the point that I forgive myself for...whatever...I have to so that I can do what I need to do in life.

One thing I know about unforgiveness is that if you hold it in your heart, it only hurts you, not the person you are holding it against.  So today, and every day, since the only person I can control (most of the time) is me, I choose to do my best to forgive...me...

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Resource

Resource, that is today's prompt for Capture Your Grief.  At this point, I have found a number of very good resources that have been a huge help to me after losing Faith.  I am doing to focus on two of those resources that direct me to the most important resource, on this post.  

The first resource that has brought me much help is Sufficient Grace Ministries.  Their Dreams of You package including a Comfort Bear, Dreams of You book, and other great items has brought me much comfort for my journey.  They are doing a wonderful thing reaching out to so many people who have lost a baby or babies.  By sharing their faith with others, they have brought me joy in celebrating my Faith.

The second resource that has been very informative and healing for me is the movie, Return to Zero.  My most sincerest thanks go out to Sean and Kiley Hanish and all the actors as well as everyone involved in the making of the movie, for their courage to speak out.  If you have not seen this movie, I highly suggest that you do.  While it is a VERY difficult movie to watch, it is so well done and shines light on so many things involved in losing a child.

Both of these great resources lead me to God, and remind me of His agape love for us all.  While I am on this journey of grief, that will remain part of me until I go home, He is always there for me to love, comfort, and heal me.

In summary, of all the many resources out there to help with my journey in life after losing Faith, the most prominent and most important is God.  He is my resource.

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Now

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Now.  When I think about how to describe myself now, I don't really know where to start...

I think I am much more of a realist than I used to be, but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I look at life through a totally different lense, that is for sure.

I have a new love and respect for my husband than I ever had before.  It is very strange for me and I almost don't know how to describe the way I feel, but Faith has brought me a new, better, and stronger love for my husband.  Our bond is stronger than ever now, because of her.

My view of God is much different than it used to be.  I have a totally new respect for what He did for us as well as a better feeling of how He feels for us.

I believe I have a greater capacity for love in general now. Love for humans in general is now a much bigger part of my life.  Eternity is also more real to me than it ever has been before.  I have a new and maybe even better understanding of Heaven.  

The real me, my spirit, understands how short this life on earth truly is. The pain I feel of losing Faith, while deeply heart wrenching, makes me realize how temporary this life is, and that before I know it, we will be together again.

This is a piece of who I am NOW...

THAT is Love

Today as I was driving, I was listening to a Hillsong CD and this song came on. 

Although I really enjoy listening to Hillsong, I do not remember if I have heard this song or not, or if I have, it has been quite a while since I have heard it.

Regardless, it is a beautiful song and it brought me to tears.  It struck a strong chord in my heart, that I do not believe I have experienced before. I had a new view of God, that I hadn't really thought too much about before.  If I love Faith more than life, how must God have felt to WILLINGLY give His only Son for us?  I ached for God as I listened to this song.

Then, as I kept listening, I realized how much love He has for me (all the world).  Of course I knew that before, but as I listened to this song today, I heard it with my heart and not my head.

Losing Faith has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life. I have never felt pain and aching in my heart and arms as I do now.  I cannot know what God felt when he sent us His son, but having lost my baby girl, and hearing this song with my heart, I can truly begin to understand.

Somehow, in the midst of my darkest days, while experiencing some of the most painful times, I felt more love today than I can explain.  In my loss, I have a greater understanding of God's love for me and what He gave for me.

What do you feel when you listen to this song?