Capture Your Grief - Day 26 - Gratitude

Gratitude is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  This is a wonderful idea!  I am grateful for so many things!  I am grateful to be alive, to have a wonderful husband, for having 2 wonderful daughters, Faith in Heaven and Joy here with us, for a wonderful family and great friends, new ideas, new business ideas, a roof over my head, food to eat, my health, the list goes on and on...

I believe Carly is very accurate here when she talks about practicing being grateful daily.  At first, when you experience the loss of your child, you are doing good to get out of bed.  However, gradually, as time goes by, you can begin to live again and see how blessed you truly are in life.  Losing Faith has caused me an unimaginable amount of pain, however, it has also brought me to realize how important and beautiful ALL life is and has given me such a different perspective of life.

I am grateful for Faith: the time we shared together while she was growing, the time we shared at the hospital, the time we shared together at the funeral home, and the time we share together now, every day as she is in Heaven and I am here...somehow...we are together in our hearts.  I know that she is waiting for me just on the other side of the pearly gates, and for that, I am GRATEFUL!

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Wish List

Wish List is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  Where do I begin with my wish list for my grief journey?  I suppose I want others to remember Faith, first and foremost.  I also sincerely want to speak out and educate others about what happened to me and Faith in hopes that we can save other precious babies so that her death will not be in vain.

I wish that with every passing day my love and relationship with Faith will continue to grow.  I wish to teach our second daughter, Joy, about her big sister when she is old enough to understand.

I think I have so many wishes it is difficult to decide what all to write about...

I wish that as time passes, my heart will continue to heal.  Although I know the pain I feel will never go away, with time, I believe the pain will continue to grow into more love.  I know losing Faith will always be gut wrenching for me, but I would like to think that someday my love for her will be stronger than the pain.  Although, it may never be, because when you love someone so much, that is why there is so much pain...

Going About My Day with Faith & Joy

I have been getting some things done around the house today.  I have thought quite a bit about Faith today also.  Although I know she is in Heaven now, I frequently feel as though she is with me also.  As I feel Joy moving and kicking now, as I am now 4 days into week 29 of my pregnancy with her, it seems as though they are both with me.

I see Faith in the beauty of nature, the soft breeze on my face, the warm sun shining, and the mighty sound of the ocean.  I feel Faith in my everyday life, as I strive to live as I know she would want me to live...sharing a smile, a kind gesture, a helping hand.  She put tiny foot prints and hand prints in my heart that will never ever go away.  No matter what anyone sees or thinks, she made me a Mommy.  

I am reminded of an article I read awhile back that discusses how when a woman is pregnant she shares genes with her baby and vice versa.  In this way, I know that Faith is and will always be a part of me, and in some way, because of that, she will be part of Joy as well.

I can't wait to tell Joy about Faith someday.  I know it will be quite awhile before Joy is old enough to understand, but someday she will know about her older sister.

I am honored to carry Faith in my heart as I live the rest of my life on this earth.  I thank God for her. She helps me every day, and will until the day I leave this earth.  I am honored that Joy will one day know she has an older sister in Heaven and understand how special that is as well.  

As I continue going about my chores for the day, today, I know that both Faith and Joy are with me. They are not with me in the same way, but both in their own special way.  I cannot describe the love and pain that I feel at the same time, except to say that I know without so much love, there would not be so much pain.  

Looking back at the day Faith went home to be with The Lord, I can now see that I was in a state of shock and disbelief.  I believe this is something that was put inside humans to aid us in the days following such a loss.  However, as time has gone by, it seems that as the shock has gone away, and I now realize what happened and that has actually made the pain greater.  I guess that may always be the case for me.  Only time will tell.  I do know that no matter where this life takes me, I will always wonder what Faith would look like today, what she would be doing, what she would be saying, how she would be...

7 Months & 2 Days

It's been 7 months & 2 days since Faith left us. We are on vacation right now, so it is very bitter-sweet. 

It is still difficult to see children sometimes for me. I miss her so much. I want to share all the fun we are having with Faith, so I write about it in my journal. 

A very close friend of mine said this to me today, & it really hit home for me: "The pain will last forever, but you choose when to suffer."  That is, to me, a great description of loss, after some time. 

I love you Faith

Capture Your Grief - Day 27 - Express

The Capture Your Grief prompt for today is Express. This is a prompt giving us the ability to express anything we want today.  So, today, I will express my love for Faith.  

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I experienced many feelings, thoughts, and emotions, but none so great as love. 

I feel pain and tremendous ache for my daughter, but the feeling I have most for her is love.  It is strange to me that somehow, although she is not with me, I can have a relationship with her.  Since I can see her in me, she constantly makes me want to be a better person.

I will always hold Faith in my heart.  Every day I feel like my relationship with her grows.  Every day I feel as though she is here with me.  Every day I love her more than the day before.  

As time continues to go by, I know The Lord will continue to see me through.  With each passing day, our love brings me nearer to you.  I love you Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Now

Today's Capture Your Grief prompt is Now.  When I think about how to describe myself now, I don't really know where to start...

I think I am much more of a realist than I used to be, but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I look at life through a totally different lense, that is for sure.

I have a new love and respect for my husband than I ever had before.  It is very strange for me and I almost don't know how to describe the way I feel, but Faith has brought me a new, better, and stronger love for my husband.  Our bond is stronger than ever now, because of her.

My view of God is much different than it used to be.  I have a totally new respect for what He did for us as well as a better feeling of how He feels for us.

I believe I have a greater capacity for love in general now. Love for humans in general is now a much bigger part of my life.  Eternity is also more real to me than it ever has been before.  I have a new and maybe even better understanding of Heaven.  

The real me, my spirit, understands how short this life on earth truly is. The pain I feel of losing Faith, while deeply heart wrenching, makes me realize how temporary this life is, and that before I know it, we will be together again.

This is a piece of who I am NOW...