Capture Your Grief - Day 14 - Express Your Heart

Express Your Heart...that is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  I was doing some other work and what I am going to blog about came to me.  

I am reaching out to others who have just recently lost a child.  First and foremost, you have my most sincere sorrow for your loss.  But I am now going to express my heart to you in the most loving way possible...

...I know that right now you are going through hell and you do not feel as though you will be able to go on.  You may not even want to live.  I know.  I was there and felt precisely that way.  In the days right after we lost Faith, I didn't even want to get out of bed.  Some days it was all I could do to get enough energy or drive to shower.  I simply did not want to go on.

But guess what, I did go on.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE hear me...I did not say, nor will I ever say "I moved on".  I will never "move on", "get over it", etc...I do not believe those things are even possible when you lose a child.  

After the shock wears off and you realize what has happened and what you have been through, you also begin to realize that life does go on.  Even though your world, in a way, has ended, it does go on.  I pray you are blessed with supportive family and friends, as I am, who will be there for you whenever you need them.  This has been such a blessing to me, as I continue to go through my grief.  Another thing you realize after the initial shock wears off, is that you are not the only one effected by the loss of your child.  Your entire family has experienced a loss of a grandchild, niece, nephew, sister, brother, cousin, etc...

I know, it is difficult to take all of this in, but please know that others have gone through this and came out on the other side.  There are brighter days.  The darkness will lift, the sun will shine again, and you will be happy again...in time.  My heart hurts every day for Faith, but it also loves her beyond measure.  The pain is, and will always be in my heart, but the love grows daily.

If you are experiencing a recent loss of a child, please feel free to reach out to me or others who've experienced similar.  We are unfortunately all part of a "family" of sorts and we are here to support each other.

Going About My Day with Faith & Joy

I have been getting some things done around the house today.  I have thought quite a bit about Faith today also.  Although I know she is in Heaven now, I frequently feel as though she is with me also.  As I feel Joy moving and kicking now, as I am now 4 days into week 29 of my pregnancy with her, it seems as though they are both with me.

I see Faith in the beauty of nature, the soft breeze on my face, the warm sun shining, and the mighty sound of the ocean.  I feel Faith in my everyday life, as I strive to live as I know she would want me to live...sharing a smile, a kind gesture, a helping hand.  She put tiny foot prints and hand prints in my heart that will never ever go away.  No matter what anyone sees or thinks, she made me a Mommy.  

I am reminded of an article I read awhile back that discusses how when a woman is pregnant she shares genes with her baby and vice versa.  In this way, I know that Faith is and will always be a part of me, and in some way, because of that, she will be part of Joy as well.

I can't wait to tell Joy about Faith someday.  I know it will be quite awhile before Joy is old enough to understand, but someday she will know about her older sister.

I am honored to carry Faith in my heart as I live the rest of my life on this earth.  I thank God for her. She helps me every day, and will until the day I leave this earth.  I am honored that Joy will one day know she has an older sister in Heaven and understand how special that is as well.  

As I continue going about my chores for the day, today, I know that both Faith and Joy are with me. They are not with me in the same way, but both in their own special way.  I cannot describe the love and pain that I feel at the same time, except to say that I know without so much love, there would not be so much pain.  

Looking back at the day Faith went home to be with The Lord, I can now see that I was in a state of shock and disbelief.  I believe this is something that was put inside humans to aid us in the days following such a loss.  However, as time has gone by, it seems that as the shock has gone away, and I now realize what happened and that has actually made the pain greater.  I guess that may always be the case for me.  Only time will tell.  I do know that no matter where this life takes me, I will always wonder what Faith would look like today, what she would be doing, what she would be saying, how she would be...