Scared

Over the last 8 months, I have loved being pregnant with Joy.  I cannot believe she will be born in about 6 weeks or less.  There have been so many emotions and feelings that have been inside me during this pregnancy.  

Most of the time, I am beyond thrilled, and extremely happy.  However, there are a few times that I have been scared and a small part of me still is...but not for the reason(s) most people would think...

I am not scared to give birth, of the pain, of any of that part.  That may be crazy, but that doesn't scare me.

I am scared that Joy will look like Faith.  I am scared that Joy will not look like Faith.  I am scared that as I hold Joy in my arms I will miss Faith more than I already do now.  I am scared that I as we leave the hospital with Joy, the feeling that I failed Faith will come back all the more.  

I am scared that as I have my "firsts" with Joy, my heart will miss all the "firsts" I will never have with Faith.  I am scared that as I love Joy it will make me miss Faith all the more.  I don't know if that makes any sense at all at this point, but for some reason that is how I feel right now and it makes sense to me.

I know that Joy will literally be our pride and joy.  I thank God for blessing us with both Faith and Joy.  Joy is moving around as I write this, and feeling her makes me so happy.

I will always think of Faith and wonder how she would be, what she would look like, what we'd be doing if she were here.  I know that as I love and watch Joy grow, I will always have a place in my heart that will long for her sister.

Despite being so happy and loving Joy, I know that part of me will always be a bit scared...