Scared

Over the last 8 months, I have loved being pregnant with Joy.  I cannot believe she will be born in about 6 weeks or less.  There have been so many emotions and feelings that have been inside me during this pregnancy.  

Most of the time, I am beyond thrilled, and extremely happy.  However, there are a few times that I have been scared and a small part of me still is...but not for the reason(s) most people would think...

I am not scared to give birth, of the pain, of any of that part.  That may be crazy, but that doesn't scare me.

I am scared that Joy will look like Faith.  I am scared that Joy will not look like Faith.  I am scared that as I hold Joy in my arms I will miss Faith more than I already do now.  I am scared that I as we leave the hospital with Joy, the feeling that I failed Faith will come back all the more.  

I am scared that as I have my "firsts" with Joy, my heart will miss all the "firsts" I will never have with Faith.  I am scared that as I love Joy it will make me miss Faith all the more.  I don't know if that makes any sense at all at this point, but for some reason that is how I feel right now and it makes sense to me.

I know that Joy will literally be our pride and joy.  I thank God for blessing us with both Faith and Joy.  Joy is moving around as I write this, and feeling her makes me so happy.

I will always think of Faith and wonder how she would be, what she would look like, what we'd be doing if she were here.  I know that as I love and watch Joy grow, I will always have a place in my heart that will long for her sister.

Despite being so happy and loving Joy, I know that part of me will always be a bit scared...

Reflections on my View from the Waiting Room

Yesterday, I posted about my view from the waiting room at the hospital.  As I think back on that moment in time (as I am sure I will continue to do for a long time), I wonder what view the other people who were there had of the same scene...

At first glance, the mother holding her newborn son seemed to have a great view...however, she could have experienced a loss prior to him and by just looking at her yesterday, I would not know...

The other people in the waiting room...based on what was said by one gentleman that the guy pushing the wheelchair of the mother having a "fun job", I would guess that he is ignorant to the other side of this man's job when he must push down a mother who is leaving without her child.

There were others in the waiting room with me, and I cannot help but wonder what they were thinking and feeling during this moment in time.  Without talking to them, there is really no way to know.  I know that even though I was holding back tears, no one except me knew that and they wouldn't have known why unless I conversed with them, which I did not.

I guess my point is simply that I have no way of knowing if anyone else there had experienced a loss similar to mine or not.  As I go about my everyday life, I will try to remember that as I honor Faith. You never know what someone has just gone through when you come across someone...in traffic, in the grocery store, at work, anywhere.  

I often think of that sad day when my husband and I came home from the hospital without Faith.  To an onlooker, we were just two people riding in a car, stopping to get something to eat at the drive-through  If you were not our close friends or family, just by viewing us, you would have no idea what we had just been through and were going through at the time.  I do my best to live my life this way now, in honor of Faith.  

Keep that in mind as you go about your day.

View from the Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital to see my MFM specialist earlier today.  There were quite a few people in the waiting room.  As we were waiting, a man wheeled a Mom & her newborn boy down & stopped to wait for their car to pull up. A lady was with them pushing a cart of the Mom's belongings & gifts that were sent for them.

I had to fight back tears as they sat there. Memories of leaving the hospital last April without Faith flooded me.  Someone in the waiting room made a comment that the guy pushing the Mom's wheelchair has a fun job. I thought to myself, yeah, I guess most of the time, yes, he has a fun job.  I was once again reminded of a time when I too, was ignorant of what sometimes happens.

Part of me wanted to tell that Mom how blessed she is. Part of me wanted to break down. Then our Princess, Joy gave me a kick & I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with love & smile.  As I looked at this woman & her precious newborn leaving the hospital, I knew that will be me in 7 weeks or less & I am thrilled beyond belief.  

This pregnancy has been quite an interesting mix of feelings & emotions, but ultimately, it has been one of the most amazing times of my life thus far and I look forward to Joy being born so much so I can hold her in my arms.