Faith-Shaped Hole

Earlier this evening, my husband, our daughter Joy, and I were hanging out in the bedroom watching a Christmas movie.  We talked about Faith and how she would be laying right next to Joy in the bed with us if she were here.  It was a very difficult moment.  I know we will always have a Faith-shaped hole in our hearts as long as we live.  Missing Faith makes me realize how much I get caught up in life and get concerned about some things that simply don't matter.  Family matters, friends matter, kindness matters, helping others matters, sharing His love matters.  

For me, reaching out to others about pregnancy/infant/child loss matters very much.  I know that I need to use the Faith-shaped hole in my heart to help others who may be going through such a loss.  Loss is not easy, but having others who have experienced similar makes you know that you are not alone.  I hope to be this help to others experiencing the loss of an infant.  

As we quickly approach the holiday season, I know it is especially difficult for those going through loss.  We found out I was pregnant with Faith the day before Thanksgiving in 2013.  Thanksgiving is forever changed for me, but will always remain a favorite holiday for me.  As I look toward our bright future, I will forever hold my Faith-shaped hole in my heart.

We love and miss you so much baby girl.  XO

Life Today without Faith

Today was a very good day.  We went shopping and got some things we needed.  Then we came home and my husband made some wonderful vegetable soup.  We had a great time playing with Joy.  I also did some laundry (this just reminded me that it needed to go in the dryer!).  

So, now I am trying to get some work done at my desk in my office.  I've gotten a few things done for my current projects: working on a website, brainstorming ideas for my new blog, thinking of how I would like to arrange my office with my new desk, thinking of ways to help others in the pregnancy and child loss community, getting some new ideas for my new tutu business, Joy Tutu the World, and thinking of some fresh jewelry ideas for Faith Melody Memories.  

As I sit here in the late night and listen to the crickets and towels drying in the dryer, my mind now begins to  wander and think about Faith.  I can't help but to miss and think of her sometimes when I am watching Joy grow into such a beautiful little lady.  I can't believe Joy is already over 1 year old.  Faith would be almost 2 1/2 if she were here.  I know she is growing into a lovely little lady in Heaven.  I can't wait to see her again someday.

As I am remembering how beautiful Faith was the short time I was able to be with her, I think I need to create a special tutu for both her and also one for Joy...different colors...I'll have to brainstorm on that some...

I miss you sweet daughter. 

XO, Mommy

Being Thankful

This evening I am reflecting on today and being thankful.  I was thinking of Faith earlier this evening when my husband and I were spending time with Joy and having such a wonderful time.  I found myself wondering about what Faith would be life if she were here today.  I miss her so much sometimes.  I cannot help but wonder how she sounds, what she looks like, etc...someday I will know.  

As I reflect and wonder about what Faith is like now in Heaven, I must always remember to be thankful for what I do have here with me now.  I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful, sweet daughter, Joy.  

I am also surrounded now by other family and friends, who make my life so wonderful.  We are now living in the country where I grew up, and I am SO thankful that God has brought us here to raise Joy in the slower paced, more relaxed, family friendly atmosphere.  

I was looking out over the country sky this evening earlier telling my husband that it is still surreal that we are here for me.  I am so very happy and at peace here.  I love it here and I feel like I am HOME again.

I am thankful for knowing that God has placed us here to do some great things.  I have some very special things that He has placed in my heart to do, and I feel that once I get unpacked and settled in, that I can begin to start working on those things.  

No matter what life throws at you, always remember to be thankful for who and what you have.

Missing Faith

As we draw near to Joy's first birthday, I have been thinking about and missing Faith.  I cannot help but miss her and think of what she may be like today.  She would be 2 years and 3 months old now.  I know she is a wonderful big sister and she would be a great one here if she were here.  

We moved in June to IL to be close to my family with a lot of cousins that are around Joy's age so she can grow up around family.  It is also a much more relaxed way of life than living so close to the big city.  We both wanted this for Joy.  I am SO thrilled that we made this decision and am SO excited for Joy to be able to grow up where I grew up.  But along with this excitement also comes a bit of longing for Faith.  If I close my eyes, I can almost see her running and playing along with all the rest of the kids.  I know she is here with us in so many ways.  

I know that as we celebrate Joy's birthday on Sunday, I will be so happy and excited to watch her open presents and taste her first cake and ice cream.  I also know that a tiny part of me will long to see Faith join in on all the fun.  I am certain she will be celebrating with us in Heaven.

I love and miss you my precious Faith.

XO,
Mommy

How Being a Mommy of Two makes me a better Parent of One

As I was playing with Joy the other day and as Faith's second birthday approaches, I was thinking of the person I have become since Faith died.  I can speculate all day about the type of parent I would have been if they both were here, but that is not the case.  At the end of the day, I miss Faith so very much.  But I know in my heart that having her for the short time that I did, has made me a better person all around and for sure a better parent to Joy.  I can't count the number of times I kiss her and tell her that I love her in a day.  Most of the time, I walk in a pretty good amount of patience.

Do not get me wrong.  In no way am I saying that others with children who haven't lost a child love their children any less.  I am simply stating that I believe I love and mother Joy differently and better than I would have if it would not have been for Faith.

One might say that since Faith is not here with us, I am able to share the love I have for her with Joy, loving Joy "doubly".  I believe this is the case.  I can only love Faith in my heart, so I believe it is her gift to Joy have that special love expressed from me since Faith cannot be here with us now.

All in all, I truly believe that I am a better mother to Joy because of Faith.  I love and miss Faith more and more with each passing day and will continue to do so.  I know in my heart that this missing and loving Faith, helps me to be a better mommy to them both and a better mother to Joy than I would have been without Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 31 - Sunset

Well, today is the last day of Capture Your Grief for this year.  Of course the topic is Sunset.  I did not get a picture of a sunset here in FL, USA today, although I am sure it was very nice.  

So, for my picture for today, I am using a picture I took not too long ago in this area, so it is still my picture and it is still around sunset at an area close to where I live!

As this project comes to a close this year, I am thankful that I have taken the time to participate.  It has been a great time for me to take time out of my days and to reflect and think about Faith.  I miss her so very much.

 

Earlier this evening my husband and I were enjoying spending time with Joy.  We dressed her up like an angel for Halloween and she was just beautiful.  As I looked and listened to her, I couldn't help but wonder what Faith would be like if she were here.  

It has only been a year and a half since Faith went to Heaven.  I know as I live my life every day that as long as I am here the sun will rise and the sun will set, however, the sun will never set on my love for Faith.

I love and miss you my darling first daughter.

Capture Your Grief - Day 30 - Reflection

Reflection was yesterday's Capture Your Grief topic.  Today, I will again go question by question on this topic, since there are only a few questions and I think it's the easiest route...

Q: What is your relationship with grief like right now?

A: My relationship with grief now is one of co-existence.  I don't know how to explain it any differently than that.  I live with grief every day.  I do not WALLOW in grief, but it is a part of me now.

Q: Is it still the same?

A: No, it is not the same.  I believe my grief changes on a daily basis.

Q: Has anything changed? 

A: Yes.  My grief is constantly changing.  Most of the time I try to focus on the wonderful time I was able to spend with Faith and my love for her.  

Q: What have you learned about yourself and your grief? 

A: I have learned so much about myself and my grief since Faith died.  I have learned that you can learn to live with grief in your everyday life without it overcoming you.  You control it (most of the time).  A lot of the time I can choose to have a good cry session to get out some needed grief.

Q: Did you love anything about this project? 

A: I love the fact that this project has given me the time out to think about Faith and to think about my relationship with her.  I also love that this project has given me something to give myself as a goal and I have actually done it!

Q: What did you find difficult?

A: Some days I found it difficult to take the time out to do my blog post for this project.  However, the couple times that I didn't do the post I caught it up on the next day, which is great for me!  I found it difficult to sit down and really focus on Faith.  Not that I don't think of her VERY frequently, but since I am so busy I don't often make the time to just focus some much needed time on my relationship with her and my grief for her.

Capture Your Grief - Day 28 - Reach Out

Reach Out is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  This evening I was planning to go to bed a bit earlier, however, I wanted to get some work done for someone very special, so I am just wrapping up that work for this evening.  

I am not going to mention what work it is that I am doing.  I will just say that I am currently working with someone on a project and needed to get some things done on said project.

It makes me feel very good that this person trusts me with such important tasks that need to be completed.  I feel blessed that I am able to help in the areas I can with this project.  I know that I will be putting in a lot of time and love into this project and will see much success and love in return, since that is just how God works.

I will continue to reach out to others in kindness and love and am blessed to be able to do so.  The picture I have chosen to use for today is of Faith's hand prints.  These little hands will continue to reach out to others in love through me.

Capture Your Grief - Day 27 - Self Portrait

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Self Portrait.  This is an interesting topic I think.  It forces us to search ourselves and who we are today; looking through the experience of losing our child.  Today, I am taking this topic question by question...just to change it up a bit.  Here I go!

Q: Who am I now in this present moment?

A: I can honestly say that I am Sara Bryant, happy wife, happy mom, happy daughter, happy sister, happy niece, happy cousin...I guess I can truly say that I am happy again.  I didn't think I would be able to be happy again after losing Faith, but I am.  I know that she wants me to be happy and enjoy my life, so I do.  I love making jewelry.  I love raising Joy.  I love my husband.  I really like living in the sun.  God has given me so much and I am so thankful.  

Q: Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of my child?

A: Absolutely, yes.  I have been forever changed by Faith's death.  I will miss her until the day we meet again in Heaven.  I will grieve her until the same moment.  However, although I have been irrevocably changed negatively from Faith's death, I have also been positively changed.  I cherish life and moments and people so much more than I did before.  I understand that so much stuff simply does NOT matter.  I try to help others as much as I can.  I am trying to actually DO the things I have wanted to do in my life instead of just talking about doing them.  I don't want to wake up years from now and wonder what I did with my life.  I do my best to live to love others; the God-kind of love.  I believe this is the best way I can honor Faith's memory and keep her alive in my heart.

Q:  How am I different now?

A: Please refer to the last question and answer.

Q: Do I love anything about the new me?

A: Absolutely!  I love how much I love now.  In some strange way, losing Faith has given me such a great capacity to love.  I think it is because I now have a true revelation of how precious and short life is that I try to love others as much as I can.  I also have a new found motivation to do the things I truly want to do in my life.  I have talked about doing some things for a long time instead of doing them.  I am more motivated to do these things now and I love that.

Q: What part of me do I want back?

A: Hmmm...the obvious answer here would be Faith.  However, I know that is not what this question is asking.  I guess I would have to say my rose-colored glasses through which I used to view the world.  I would like my ability to view pregnancy as purely a wonderful time versus having a lingering fear.  I think that is what I want back the most.  Although, when I was pregnant with Joy, most of the time I really did just enjoy her and being pregnant, there were times I was terrified.

I am using 2 pictures of myself to make my self portrait.  I believe these 2 pictures capture who I am today very well.  One is a picture of me happy smelling Faith's hibiscus flower in our backyard, symbolizing how she is always with me.  The other is with me, Owen, and Joy.  These 2 pictures combine to show who I am today.

Capture Your Grief - Day 26 - Gratitude

Gratitude is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  This is a wonderful idea!  I am grateful for so many things!  I am grateful to be alive, to have a wonderful husband, for having 2 wonderful daughters, Faith in Heaven and Joy here with us, for a wonderful family and great friends, new ideas, new business ideas, a roof over my head, food to eat, my health, the list goes on and on...

I believe Carly is very accurate here when she talks about practicing being grateful daily.  At first, when you experience the loss of your child, you are doing good to get out of bed.  However, gradually, as time goes by, you can begin to live again and see how blessed you truly are in life.  Losing Faith has caused me an unimaginable amount of pain, however, it has also brought me to realize how important and beautiful ALL life is and has given me such a different perspective of life.

I am grateful for Faith: the time we shared together while she was growing, the time we shared at the hospital, the time we shared together at the funeral home, and the time we share together now, every day as she is in Heaven and I am here...somehow...we are together in our hearts.  I know that she is waiting for me just on the other side of the pearly gates, and for that, I am GRATEFUL!

Capture Your Grief - Day 25 - Earth Remembrance

Earth Remembrance, that is yesterday's Capture Your Grief topic.  I got a day behind, so I am catching up!!  Gotta stick with it!  

Last year, my husband and I planted this beautiful red hibiscus plant in our backyard in honor and memory of Faith.  It is now very tall and beautiful.  I will have to post a more recent picture of it soon, but wanted to share this picture with this particular post.  I really like this picture a lot.  I look at myself in this picture and remember that through all the pain of losing Faith, I am still mostly a happy person.  Faith still brings happiness to me, even though she lives in Heaven.  I look at this plant daily and think of my beautiful daughter.  It grows and blooms, just as my love for Faith does. 

I believe planting a plant or tree in honor of a loved one is a great idea, especially if you can see it often.  It does something wonderful for your soul.  I am not sure why, but it does.  It's as if you watch yourself growing right along with the plant in your grief journey.  

I will continue to look at this beautiful plant every day and think of Faith...

Capture Your Grief - Day 24 - Choose Your Breath

Choose Your Breath is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  Most days I would say that I have a pretty good handle on where I am in my grief journey.  I certainly do believe that grief and healing can co-exist.  I believe I am living proof of that fact.

While I don't believe I will ever completely "heal" from losing Faith, I do believe that I am going through a healing process.  The Lord has restored so much back to me.  He has blessed us with another daughter, Joy, who truly does bring joy to my life every day.  She is so wonderful.  

By NO means does one child ever replace another.  However, I do believe that The Lord blessing us with Joy has helped me on my grief journey with Faith.  I am loving every moment I share with Joy.  At the same time, there are moments when I wonder what these "firsts" moments would have been like with Faith.

Joy is three months old today.  If Faith were here, she would be one year and six months old.  As strange as it is for me, I have a very strong, yet very different bond with both of my daughters.  I am blessed to hold and love Joy physically every day.  Faith I hold and love in my heart.  I've never known that so much love and so much pain could co-exist in a person's life, but it does...

Capture Your Grief - Day 23 - Love Letter

My darling daughter, Faith,

I am taking part in the Capture Your Grief project again this year.  I miss you so very much.  Right now I am having a cup of coffee while your younger sister, Joy is sleeping.  I have so much to tell you, as I am sure you know.  Your daddy and I are doing well, though we both love and miss you so much.  

The business I created in your honor, Faith Melody Memories, is doing well.  I need to put some more time, effort, and money into it, but for now it is going pretty steady.  I will be debuting a new line called "Faith & Joy" soon and I am so thrilled.  The first items I am going to create for this new line will be honoring Pregnancy & Infant loss to spread education.  They will be bracelets.  I know you will really like them.  

I have a lot of things to get done today, so I guess I will let you go for this time.  I am sending you a long distance hug and kiss...until I can give them to you personally, I look to the clouds...

My love always,
Mommy

Capture Your Grief - Day 22 - Dreams + Rituals

Dreams + Rituals, that is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  Do I have any dreams for my future?  The simple answer to this question is yes.  I have many dreams for my future.  I would love to see my jewelry business in honor of Faith continue to grow and grow.  I also look forward to continuing to see Joy grow and one day to tell her about her older sister, Faith.

I also believe that when the time is right, I will be able to help others going through this tremendous loss in some way.  I have thought about volunteering for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I have also thought about reaching out to local hospitals and other organizations to do presentations to educate people regarding pregnancy and infant loss.  I believe that The Lord will open the doors for me to do something like this when I am ready emotionally to do so.

I don't really have any rituals regarding Faith's birthday or other special days.  This past year, we had a birthday cake for her on her first birthday.  On her due date we released balloons for her.  I believe moving forward we'll probably go out to eat on her birthday to "celebrate".  I imagine I will wear the shirt that I had made for myself with her footprints, name and birthday...

Mommy misses and loves you so much Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 21 - Sacred Space

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Sacred Space.  I currently have some items that remind me of Faith on top of my dresser in my bedroom.  I need to rearrange and move these items to a different place and add to them.  I now also have her beautiful urn on the dresser as well.  This picture was taken prior to getting her urn.  

Along with this place, I also feel close to Faith when I write in our journal.  I just feel as though we are able to "meet" there and share. At least I can share with her anyway.  

The beach also makes me feel close to Faith.  I am in total awe when I go to the beach at how big and beautiful the ocean is and it makes me feel strangely closer to Faith.  I guess because it makes me think of how amazing God is and she is with Him...

Capture Your Grief - Day 20 - Forgiveness + Humanity

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Forgiveness + Humanity.  Relating this to losing, Faith, first and foremost I had to forgive myself.  Although I know that I didn't do or not do anything that caused her death, I feel as though I failed her, which I did.

I remember so vividly on the day she was born, holding, her and telling her how sorry I was.  I don't believe that I will ever feel any differently.  I don't know how I could.  I suppose I may never forgive myself in a way...always feeling as though I should have known something sooner...done something sooner...

I know that I am human, but I have found it so much easier to forgive others than to forgive myself.  I don't know why that is, it just is.  Please don't take this the wrong way.  I do not sit around feeling depressed or anything (anymore), it's just a small part of me that holds me responsible.  After all, I am Faith's mother.  It is my job to keep her safe and I failed.  It's as simple as that.  

Day by day I will probably forgive myself a little more than the day before...however, knowing this, still will never change the fact that my baby girl, Faith Melody is not here with me...

Capture Your Greif - Day 19 - Music

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Music.  There have be a handful of songs that remind me of Faith since she went to Heaven. Two in particular are I Will Carry You by Selah and Homesick by Mercy Me.  While a HUGE part of my heart is certainly here with my husband, living daughter, and other family and friends.  There is a part of my heart that is with Faith.  Homesick expresses my feelings in that regard quite well.  I Will Carry You is the perfect expression of my love for Faith, but also Christ's love for her.  In my heart, I know that He is raising her and that she is waiting for me to come to be with her.  As much as my heart longs for her, I know she is with Him...

As the days go by, this ache in my heart for Faith still remains.  I believe it will remain there until the day we meet again in Heaven.  Until that day, I will live my life to the fullest here being the best wife and mommy that I can and looking to the clouds to see my other baby girl.

Mommy loves and misses you so very much Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 18 - Seasons + Symbols

Seasons + Symbols, that is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  Thanksgiving and the holiday season will always remind me of Faith.  We found out I was pregnant with her the day before Thanksgiving, 2013.  That Christmas Owen gave me some stuffed animals for her and also a bracelet with a baby carriage charm.  I will forever hold these times in my heart with Faith.  I was in love with her from the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test.

I do not dread the holiday seasons, but I suppose there is something inside me that has a bit of sadness as that time of year approaches.  I have always loved Christmas, and will continue to, but there will always be a bitter-sweetness associated with the holiday season for me now.

I think of Faith when I see a cross or a star or when I see her name...all of which of course I see during the holiday season.

This picture was taken on a ferry during the Thanksgiving season of 2013 in the Seattle area.  We were traveling to see a show from our home into Seattle.  It is so beautiful.  I think of Faith a LOT when I see nature.  I somehow feel closer to her especially around water.  I guess I think of how awesome God is when I am around the sea or ocean and that just makes me think of Faith.

Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Secondary Losses

Yesterday's Capture Your Grief topic is Secondary Losses.  I can honestly say that I believe the secondary loss I had when Faith died was her life as a whole.  In this I include her relationship, her love, seeing her "firsts", watching her grow, seeing her walk, talk, drive, graduate, marry, have children of her own, etc...

I guess there are countless secondary losses I feel when describing losing Faith.  When you think of what a person's life encompasses throughout their entire life, this is a huge loss.  Every moment of the rest of my life, I have lost something that I should be sharing with Faith.  

There is no healing from this "secondary" loss.  It is something you simply have to live with for the rest of  your life.

Capture Your Grief - Day 15 - Wave of Light

Today's topic for Capture Your Grief is Wave of Light.  I am so thankful for the community of others who've experienced the loss of a child.  Not that I want anyone to have to go through that, of course, but for those of us forced to be in this group, it is great that we are here to support each other.  I lit and burned this candle almost a year ago.  Since I didn't light a candle at 7:00pm tonight, I thought it fitting for me to use this picture again, as it represents the light that will forever shine in my heart for Faith.

I would like to continue to see members of this child loss community speak out to educate others on what can happen and ways it can be prevented.  I would also like to see more movies and books made and written by this community to share as much as possible.

As you light your candles of remembrance, I encourage you to always be a light for the one(s) you have lost for the rest of the world to see.