Faith-Shaped Hole

Earlier this evening, my husband, our daughter Joy, and I were hanging out in the bedroom watching a Christmas movie.  We talked about Faith and how she would be laying right next to Joy in the bed with us if she were here.  It was a very difficult moment.  I know we will always have a Faith-shaped hole in our hearts as long as we live.  Missing Faith makes me realize how much I get caught up in life and get concerned about some things that simply don't matter.  Family matters, friends matter, kindness matters, helping others matters, sharing His love matters.  

For me, reaching out to others about pregnancy/infant/child loss matters very much.  I know that I need to use the Faith-shaped hole in my heart to help others who may be going through such a loss.  Loss is not easy, but having others who have experienced similar makes you know that you are not alone.  I hope to be this help to others experiencing the loss of an infant.  

As we quickly approach the holiday season, I know it is especially difficult for those going through loss.  We found out I was pregnant with Faith the day before Thanksgiving in 2013.  Thanksgiving is forever changed for me, but will always remain a favorite holiday for me.  As I look toward our bright future, I will forever hold my Faith-shaped hole in my heart.

We love and miss you so much baby girl.  XO

Being Thankful

This evening I am reflecting on today and being thankful.  I was thinking of Faith earlier this evening when my husband and I were spending time with Joy and having such a wonderful time.  I found myself wondering about what Faith would be life if she were here today.  I miss her so much sometimes.  I cannot help but wonder how she sounds, what she looks like, etc...someday I will know.  

As I reflect and wonder about what Faith is like now in Heaven, I must always remember to be thankful for what I do have here with me now.  I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful, sweet daughter, Joy.  

I am also surrounded now by other family and friends, who make my life so wonderful.  We are now living in the country where I grew up, and I am SO thankful that God has brought us here to raise Joy in the slower paced, more relaxed, family friendly atmosphere.  

I was looking out over the country sky this evening earlier telling my husband that it is still surreal that we are here for me.  I am so very happy and at peace here.  I love it here and I feel like I am HOME again.

I am thankful for knowing that God has placed us here to do some great things.  I have some very special things that He has placed in my heart to do, and I feel that once I get unpacked and settled in, that I can begin to start working on those things.  

No matter what life throws at you, always remember to be thankful for who and what you have.

Capture Your Grief - Day 26 - Gratitude

Gratitude is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  This is a wonderful idea!  I am grateful for so many things!  I am grateful to be alive, to have a wonderful husband, for having 2 wonderful daughters, Faith in Heaven and Joy here with us, for a wonderful family and great friends, new ideas, new business ideas, a roof over my head, food to eat, my health, the list goes on and on...

I believe Carly is very accurate here when she talks about practicing being grateful daily.  At first, when you experience the loss of your child, you are doing good to get out of bed.  However, gradually, as time goes by, you can begin to live again and see how blessed you truly are in life.  Losing Faith has caused me an unimaginable amount of pain, however, it has also brought me to realize how important and beautiful ALL life is and has given me such a different perspective of life.

I am grateful for Faith: the time we shared together while she was growing, the time we shared at the hospital, the time we shared together at the funeral home, and the time we share together now, every day as she is in Heaven and I am here...somehow...we are together in our hearts.  I know that she is waiting for me just on the other side of the pearly gates, and for that, I am GRATEFUL!

Capture Your Grief - Day 14 - Express Your Heart

Express Your Heart...that is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  I was doing some other work and what I am going to blog about came to me.  

I am reaching out to others who have just recently lost a child.  First and foremost, you have my most sincere sorrow for your loss.  But I am now going to express my heart to you in the most loving way possible...

...I know that right now you are going through hell and you do not feel as though you will be able to go on.  You may not even want to live.  I know.  I was there and felt precisely that way.  In the days right after we lost Faith, I didn't even want to get out of bed.  Some days it was all I could do to get enough energy or drive to shower.  I simply did not want to go on.

But guess what, I did go on.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE hear me...I did not say, nor will I ever say "I moved on".  I will never "move on", "get over it", etc...I do not believe those things are even possible when you lose a child.  

After the shock wears off and you realize what has happened and what you have been through, you also begin to realize that life does go on.  Even though your world, in a way, has ended, it does go on.  I pray you are blessed with supportive family and friends, as I am, who will be there for you whenever you need them.  This has been such a blessing to me, as I continue to go through my grief.  Another thing you realize after the initial shock wears off, is that you are not the only one effected by the loss of your child.  Your entire family has experienced a loss of a grandchild, niece, nephew, sister, brother, cousin, etc...

I know, it is difficult to take all of this in, but please know that others have gone through this and came out on the other side.  There are brighter days.  The darkness will lift, the sun will shine again, and you will be happy again...in time.  My heart hurts every day for Faith, but it also loves her beyond measure.  The pain is, and will always be in my heart, but the love grows daily.

If you are experiencing a recent loss of a child, please feel free to reach out to me or others who've experienced similar.  We are unfortunately all part of a "family" of sorts and we are here to support each other.

Capture Your Grief - Day 9 - Family

Family is today's Capture Your Grief topic.  For the sake of time and length, I will focus this blog post to my spouse and children, as I come from a large family and have many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc...  

I also have a number of close friends that I consider family...

Faith is and always will be a special part of our family.  She is our first daughter.  However, since she now resides in Heaven, my earthly family consists of my husband and our daughter, Joy.  They are my loves and mean the world to me.

My husband, Owen, is my true love and my best friend.  You know that old saying "who would you call if your goldfish died?"... my husband is that man to me.  He is my partner, my love, my companion, my rock.

Joy is the light that brightens my days.  She is such a beautiful little girl and is so happy.  I thank God for blessing us with her.  She is 11 weeks old today!  I am truly enjoying being her mommy and watching her grow.

When you look at my family, you only see three of us.  In reality, there are 4, Faith lives in our hearts.

Capture Your Grief - Day 18 - Gratitude

Gratitude is today's Capture Your Grief prompt. I am glad this is one of the topics for the project. It really hits home for me.  While I have gone through so many emotions after losing Faith, one that has actually surprised me is a feeling a gratitude. 

While there are a lot of things I am grateful for, I will focus this post on a few of them, for the sake of time.

First, I am grateful to be alive on this earth. While I am sure I felt this gratitude before, there is something about being told you would have died if you weren't in the hospital, that makes you pretty thankful that you are alive.

I am also thankful for my wonderful husband, family, and friends.  I would not be where I am today if it were not for all of them.  So many people have supported and loved us through our loss and I thank God for all of them.  

I now have so much gratitude for the "little" things in life.  This morning, I saw the sun coming up from one of our favorite parks and took a few pictures.  At that moment, I was grateful for the cup of Starbucks in my hand and being able to watch the sunrise from the beautiful park.  

Finally, for time's sake, I will discuss how grateful I am to be Faith's mommy.  No one can take away the time she and I shared as she grew in my womb.  She is mine and I am hers.  Regardless of anything that has happened, I am her mommy.  She will live forever and I wouldn't change that for anything.  I am grateful that we have her hand prints and foot prints.  I am grateful for the time we were able to spend with her at the hospital.  I am grateful that we have a lot of good pictures of her and us from the day she was born.  I am grateful for the pictures we took of all of us at the funeral home.  

Faith is and will forever be my baby girl...for that...I am grateful.

Capture Your Grief - Day 10 - Support

Support is today's prompt for the Capture Your Grief project.  When Faith died, I was completely and immediately surrounded by the support of my family and friends.  

My parents were at my house when my husband and I got to our house from the hospital the day after she was born.  

My siblings, my husband's mom, and our niece arrived the next day.  We have also had tremendous support from family and friends who did not visit, via phone calls, cards, letters, flowers, and love.  

I have also had two of our close friends watch Return to Zero with me (props to you guys, you know who you are).  I thank God for your friendship, love and support.

Outside of God, along with all of our family members, my main support has been my husband.  He has continued to be my rock, my best friend, my lover, and my shoulder to cry on.  I have had wonderful support and love from a lot of family and friends after losing Faith.  

But my main support was and IS and continues to be my husband.  I love him with all my heart and I thank him from the bottom of my heart for not only giving me the most beautiful daughter ever, but for being my rock as we go through losing her.