Thursday, April 23, 2015

My View of Steel Magnolia's Quotes and Loss

I just watched the last part of Steel Magnolias.  If you haven't seen the movie, I highly recommend it.  I've seen it before, but watching it this time was different.  I guess everything in life is

I can relate to Sally Field's character, M'Lynn, when she uses the following quote in the cemetery scene: 
"I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know why Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was! Will he ever know what she went through for him! Oh God I wanna know why? Why? Lord, I wish I could understand!  No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna hit somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!"

This explains how a part of me will always feel about Faith.  It is a perfect description of the initial feeling when your child dies.  While there are so many things in this life that we may never understand why, part of the process is accepting that you may never know why.

It took me quite awhile, but after some time, I can truly relate to this other quote from Sally Field's character, M'Lynn, when she says:
"There was no noise. No tremble. Just peace. Oh God.. I realize as a woman how lucky I am! I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life.. and I was there when she drifted out of it. It was the most precious moment of my life..." 

This quote is by far the more difficult of the two to relate to, perhaps, as a parent, the most difficult revelation to have.  While a piece of me will always feel like the first quote, in my heart, I will forever cherish the time I had with Faith.  She was with me her entire life and that is one of the most precious things I can ever hope to experience.  She will always be my baby girl and I will always be her mother. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Mother's Day on the Way

As Mother's Day approaches again this year, I find myself thinking of Faith, Joy, as well as my Mother, and Mother-In-Law.  Last year, we were blessed to spend Mother's Day with my husband's mother.  It was quite a difficult day, having just lost Faith, but also a special day, as it was my first Mother's Day.  My husband gave me a beautiful yellow rose last Mother's Day and I will treasure it for years to come.

This year, we will be blessed to be able to spend Mother's Day with my mother, as my parents will be visiting us during that time.  I am really looking forward to spending the day with my mother and celebrating the day as Faith and Joy's mother.  

I look forward to spending time with my mother on this special day, but also being able to give her something that will show her this love.  If you are looking for something special to give to your mother on this special day, please stop by my store, Faith Melody Memories, in honor of my first born, Faith.  I am currently offering a 10% discount on all orders between now and May 9 by using the code 10MOTHER upon checkout.  I also have a section that has many items that are $15.00 and less to chose from.

As we get closer to Mother's Day, I ask you to please remember the women in your life who may be a mother to a child(ren) that are no longer with them for any reason.  This day is a difficult day for them, so even if you are not able to buy them a gift, share your time, love, and kind words with them. Even if you do not see any children with them, they are still a mother.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Happy First Birthday Faith

Today is Faith's first birthday.  I had a difficult day, off and on.  This morning I woke up and went to go get her some balloons.  Then I needed to go to the grocery store to get a few items.  After that I headed back home and got to work on Faith's cake.  

It was't perfect, but I am pretty pleased at how it turned out.  It was lemon decorated with pink frosting.  I put hibiscus flowers all the way around it and a pink sparkly #1 candle on top.  

We also transferred Faith's ashes into a beautiful urn that we purchased.  It was a strange day and evening, but also very healing for us, I believe. 

Just now, I wrote to Faith in my journal, which was nice, as I haven't done that in awhile.  It helped me a lot to write to her.  I wrote her about today and about a year ago the day she was born.  

It was difficult, but also helpful for me. Also, I think it is very important to write down those details that I remember now that I may not remember as the years go by.  

Today has been one of the most difficult days I've had in awhile, in regards to Faith.  While I do think of her frequently, and talk about her, typically, it is not an all day affair, as it was today.  I think it was very important in my journey for me to do this, however.  We were created to grieve and it is an important process that we all need to go through in our own way and in our own time.

I love and miss Faith every day, and I will continue to do so as long as I am here.  She is and will always be my first daughter.

Happy Birthday, Faith.  Mommy loves and misses you baby girl.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Another Day Closer...

As I sit here this evening and enjoy feeling Joy moving around, my thoughts stray to Faith.  As this week, goes into week 24 with Joy, it was also week 24 with Faith last year.  One year ago tomorrow was the day I was hospitalized after they did an ultrasound and realized that my water had indeed broke (after tests for fluid showing the contrary).

I am thankful that I have a doctor appointment tomorrow afternoon for my shot and to see the doctor. I think it will take up quite a bit of time and keep my mind off the day.  

I believe I have everything I need to make Faith's first birthday cake now.  I love baking, but making her cakes will always be bittersweet for me, I am sure.  

I looked quite a bit for what I wanted to make this year.  I plan to do an ombre design on the inside (lemon/yellow) and outside of her cake (pink).  I also will use hibiscus flowers as decorations.

I am sure we'll have a nice evening at home together while we share Faith's birthday cake and ice cream.  I imagine we'll talk about last year and just spend time together.

I just can't believe Faith's birthday is on Wednesday... 

Friday, April 10, 2015

Thinking of Faith Today...

I had a pretty good day overall.  Really the only thing I had scheduled for myself was to run a couple errands. I had a few things I needed to pick up for Faith's birthday cake.  I found the items I was looking for, and of course so many more cute things.

When looking at all the selections at Party City, I had a difficult time holding back my tears as I looked at all the cute items available to celebrate a child's first birthday.  There were just so many pretty things.  

There were a few things that I would have loved to get, but I just couldn't spend the money for those things with Faith not being here. I actually had to have a conversation with myself to remind myself that she is not here. Needless to say, I found what I was looking for and checked out as fast as possible. 

As I was driving to the grocery store afterwards, tears flowing, it dawned on me, yet again, that I am going to feel this way as long as I am here. Every passing year, there will be no way to not think of what Faith would be like and all the fun things we would do on each year's birthday.  

I did end up stopping at a dollar store to grab a couple things we needed for the weekend and ended up finding similar items that I'd seen at Party City, but of course for a dollar!  So, I got a few things to make our celebration of Faith's life nice and thus, completed my errands.  

Faith is our baby girl, our firstborn daughter.  We will always love and miss her.  We will always celebrate her life on her birthday.  I look forward to celebrating and sharing about Faith with Joy when she gets a little older.

We all love and miss you, Faith,
Daddy, Mommy, and little sister, Joy

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Faith's First Birthday Approaching

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about Faith (as if I don't already daily).  But, seeing that it is April again, I guess that makes sense.  How is it April again, by the way?  I am planning to make her a beautiful birthday cake that my husband and I will share on her birthday, April 15.  

I'm sure we'll do some other special things together on her birthday, but I am not exactly sure what all we'll do, or if I'll make it all public or not.  I know it will be a happy/sad day for us, but we will celebrate her beautiful life as long as we are here.

I am thinking about making a lemon cake, because my husband and I both really like lemon.  Then, I think I'll decorate it with pink frosting...similar to the pictures of these cakes...I'll decorate the cake more than this, but I like the way this one is frosted.

How do you celebrate your loved ones birthdays, even though they are in Heaven?

I would love to hear about your celebrations. I think it is very important for us to celebrate the life of our loved ones, no matter where they are.  They still live with us in our hearts.