Thursday, July 31, 2014

Phantom Kicks

I had heard about "phantom kicks" when I was pregnant, but didn't really think too much about it then. However, the past few days, I have been experiencing these.

I've read about what scientists say regarding these and how they could be that women are simply more aware of movements in their uterus after pregnancy or that it can take quite a long time for the uterus to fully contract back to "normal" after pregnancy.

The scientific explanation really doesn't matter to much to me.  I feel these every once in awhile lately and they feel exactly like when Faith would kick me.  It is such an amazing feeling, yet, a sad feeling for me at the same time.

Anyone who has experienced these phantom kicks knows what they feel like.  I am sure for those that have their child, these may be a cool experience.

For me, these phantom kicks are sad reminders of my beautiful baby girl, Faith Melody, who is now in Heaven.


Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Another Day

Another day has gone by since I lost my beautiful baby girl.  Overall, I had a pretty good day.  I went for a good long walk with my husband, did Tae Bo (the entire 45 minute DVD), did some grocery shopping, did some work in the house and made salmon burgers for dinner.

I thought about Faith a lot, just as any other day.  For me, it seems like a daily revelation that she is gone.  I was resting in bed earlier watching a movie with my husband and I rubbed my belly, almost as if I expected her to be there.  Alas, of course, she was not.

I was reading something about grief the other day that said when you lose a child, in the beginning months your body has a reaction almost by shutting down and not recognizing what is going on.  I was aware that Faith died (I am really beginning to hate that word and all words associated with death), when it happened. However, due to all that happened, as well as moving, it is all really beginning to "sink in".

In a while, I will lay down and attempt to go to sleep.  If I am blessed with another day, I will wake up again, tomorrow will be yet another day that I must go on and live without my precious Faith Melody.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Alone

Since becoming the age that is considered an adult in our society (approx 18), I have ventured out on my own in life in many ways.  When I was 22 I moved away from my family, having been to a church that seemed like home to me.  Since then, I have not lived close to my immediate family.  Like my good friend, Gary says, I come from "the Waltons" family.  In many ways, he is accurate, for which I am very thankful.

Initially, upon moving, I would lay in bed crying wondering & praying "what have I done".  Little did I know that I had heard the call of God on my life and made the correct decision.  That path led me to know myself and who I am in Christ.  It also led me to my wonderful husband.

For the first handful of years after being married, I had a VERY difficult time not being with my immediate family for holidays (Thanksgiving & Christmas especially).  However, with time, faith, and wisdom, I have come to know and love the fact that my husband is my family now.  Knowing The Lord as I do, I also know that He is my family.

During numerous times since I moved away from the home where I was raised, I have felt alone.  Although never have I felt more alone than the moment I lost Faith.  I constantly re-play the day that I lost Faith.  I was surrounded by nurses and doctors.  I cannot think of a time in my life that so many people were around me that I have felt so alone.  After I went through labor and had my daughter, I remember a female voice saying to me "do you want to hold your baby?".  For some reason, my initial response to her was to ask if she was alive.  The woman responded "no".  I do not remember going back from the O.R. into my room.  I am sure they gave me something to calm me down.

I know that there are SO MANY people that have the pain of this loss as well.  For that, I am so sorry.  I can only know how I feel as I am grieving for my daughter and guess the pain others must feel.  I now have some of the best family and friends who are supporting me on this journey.  I call it a journey, as I now know that it will not truly end until I get to Heaven.  Faith is and will always be a part of me.  She is my daughter and I am her mother.  While I am doing my best to try to have "normal" days and do "normal" things, I will never be "normal" again.  A part of me is truly gone; I believe the best part.

Although The Lord is always with me and I am surrounded by a loving husband, great family, and wonderful friends, part of me will forever be...alone...

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Reminders

Not a day goes by that I don't have so many reminders of Faith.  I'm not talking about just me thinking of her, either.  Anyone that has lost a child knows what I am talking about.  Almost everything can remind you of your child.  For me, songs are a HUGE reminder.  

I now watch or listen to some of my favorite bands DVDs or CDs and the songs are so appropriate to change the name to Faith or they talk about love in some way.  REALLY????  It is so difficult to live with constant reminders that she is not with me.  

There are certainly some times that I am happy and feel good.  I have a wonderful family and friends.  They are all so supportive.  I am blessed that they are all willing and happy to talk with me about Faith.  I know that she is alive and well in Heaven.  However, thinking of her happy in Heaven, is yet, another reminder to me that she is not with me.

Seeing other babies is very difficult.  Seeing pregnant women is difficult.  Seeing baby clothes is difficult.  Etc...

Well, I am going to go for this time and enjoy some time with my wonderful husband.  Tomorrow will be another day of...reminders...

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Selfish

It is like a daily revelation for me that my daughter is not here with us.  It feels like it was just yesterday when I was rubbing my belly and so in love with her.  I am still in love with her, more and more each day.  I miss her so much.

I love her so much, but I know that she is in Heaven and not with us.  I have to remember that she wants me to be happy and enjoy my life until I meet her again.  Faith was only with us for a short time, but in that short time, she taught me so much.

While my heart hurts for not having my daughter with me, I also know that Jesus is raising Faith, and I could certainly not ask for a better teacher.  In a way, I am envious of Faith, because she went home before me.  I am selfish...by the real definition of the word.  Not selfish like I want a candy bar and I am two years old.  Selfish in the fact that my "SELF" wants to be with my daughter.

While it is strange to feel selfish, I search myself and realize that God created us to have certain emotions and feelings for a reason.

If you are going through loss, please remember that although the person you are missing is not here, the emotions and feelings you are having are normal and you were created to feel that way for a reason.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Faith's Godfather's Gift to Her

Diego Valdez, one of my dear friends wrote and performed this beautiful song as his gift to Faith.  It touches my heart so much that he would do that for her.  We, now, can share Faith with the rest of the world through this song.  She is and will always be a beautiful person.  

I chose some pictures that are special to me to accompany the beautiful song that Diego wrote.  These pictures remind me of my baby girl.  I can look at and hold these things close to my heart to remember her until I see her again one day.  This video is a wonderful way to share her love with you.  

Also, please remember, if you are going through this tremendous loss of a child, you are not alone.  By sharing about our precious babies, we can love and comfort one another. 

God Bless & Enjoy



Thursday, July 24, 2014

Life is SO Precious

This is a video of Faith's heartbeat 5 days before she was born and left us.  I am so glad that we recorded this as well as two audio recordings of her heartbeat.  It is so beautiful to watch and listen to her when she was living on this earth with us.

Faith Melody Bryant's life on this earth, though short, is, and will always be, one of the most precious things to me.  It still hurts so bad that she is not with us.  I miss her so very much.  Please enjoy this small glimpse of her life, as we were able to enjoy it.  

Remember that every life is precious.  We need to love one another while we are here.  Life is so short.  Tell your loved ones that you love them NOW.  Life is SO precious.

video

Photography & Journaling - Getting to Know Faith

I've signed up for a free week online class with Beryl Ayn Young.  It is called Radiate: Exploring Shades of Me - Mini Class.  You can find it here: www.radiatephoto.com/shades-of-me.  I must admit that I am behind in the course, thank goodness it is online and I can go at my own pace.  This class focuses on self-exploration from behind the lens of a camera.

I signed up for this class for a number of reasons.  First, I thought it would be a good thing for me right now. I know I need to re-focus after losing Faith.  While I will always hold Faith in my heart, I know that I have to keep living and do my best to help others.  I have always loved nature.  I also have really enjoyed photography in the last handful of years.  My father is a professional photographer, so growing up I was used to watching him, posing for pictures, etc...

I believe going through this course will help me to some way feel closer to Faith.  I think one of the most difficult things for me about losing her is that I didn't get to know her.  Although, in a way, when I think about it, in my heart, I do know her.  She is my daughter and my husband's daughter.  I know me and I know him, so in a strange way, I do know her.  I just realized (while typing the last sentence), that the more I focus on learning about myself, I am, in essence, getting to know Faith more.  As I continue to grow on the earth, I believe she is growing in Heaven and I will immediately recognize her when I arrive.

I look forward to completing this class and will update you as to how it goes...continuing on my journey...




Wednesday, July 23, 2014

No Words

Today has been kind of a down day for me.  I don't really know how to explain it except that there are no words.  It hasn't been a terrible day, but it hasn't been a great day either.  I am just now getting ready to get in the shower and "get ready" and it is almost 3:00 in the afternoon.

I have really thought of Faith most of the day today.  It is strange to me that it has been over 3 months now since she left us.  It seems like just yesterday.

Well, since I don't really know what else to say today, I will just go for this time and try again tomorrow.  May God bless you all.

I have no more words than "I love and miss you, Faith, my beautiful baby girl."  That is all for this time.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

My Profile Picture - Both of Us

I recently changed my profile picture for this blog (you can see it if you scroll to the bottom of my blog).  I did this for a couple of reasons.  First, I wanted to change it up a little (ladies, you know how we are).  Second, as I was looking at pictures of myself, I realized there are 2 people in this picture.  When this picture was taken (Thanksgiving weekend 2013) I was pregnant with Faith.

I look at myself in the picture and how happy I was.  I miss Faith so much.

This picture is a reminder to me of how happy Faith made me.  It is also a reminder to me that although she is no longer with me, I need to be happy for her that she is in Heaven.  That is SO VERY difficult.  I know Faith wants me to be happy, so that is what I strive to do daily out of honor and love for her.

I will continue to look at this picture and remember how happy she made me.  I miss feeling her move, feeling her kick, singing to her, reading to her, talking to her when I would eat, etc...the list goes on and on.  In my heart, I know that I will never be the same happy that I was when I was pregnant with Faith.  Nothing and no one can ever replace her.

But I can be happy that I had her with me as long as I did.  I can also be glad that she is happy playing in Heaven.  She is and will always be my baby girl.  I am and will always be her mother.  Nothing can ever change that.  This picture will forever remind me of my Faith Melody.

Monday, July 21, 2014

My Journey, My Way

I've had a pretty good day today so far.  I was just thinking about this new journey that I've just begun. When Faith went to Heaven, it created a hole in my heart that will not be healed until I go home as well. While I ache for her every moment of every day, my heart also hurts for others going through the same situation.

As I think of so many other people experiencing this pain, I wonder what their journey is like.  My journey is mine alone and like a hand print or foot print, is unique to me.  I have read of and heard of so many that have lost a child.  My heart goes out to them all, and I know it always will.  I pray that somehow the journey that I am embarking on each day will help someone else that is going through the same.  

Thus far, since Faith left, I have had some pretty depressing days.  But I am starting to realize that as each day comes and goes, this pain I feel in my heart is never going to go away.  However, I also am beginning to realize that my life is continuing.  I have and will still have fun and good times.  

It is interesting to me how fast and strong sad emotions can come over me.  Sometimes I am, at least from the outside, just fine.  I can go to the grocery store and see babies one moment and although it hurts, I am okay.  Then I can go to Wal-Mart and walk by the baby clothes and my heart just simply drops into my stomach and my mind goes straight to the moment I lost Faith.

I know there are so many people going through losing a child.  I pray that as we all go through the journey we are faced with, we can share our children with the world and help each other as much as possible.  Please always keep in mind, we are all different.  We grieve differently.  We feel differently.  We love differently.  As you go through your journey, remember others that are also grieving the loss of their child/children, their own way.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Spirit, Soul, & Body

I've known for quite a while now that we are all made up of three pieces: spirit, soul, and body.  Losing my daughter has given me yet a another new perspective of how different these pieces of me are.  My body and soul ache constantly since Faith left us and I know that ache will never go away until we meet again in Heaven.  

As difficult as it is, I must admit, that in my spirit, I am so thrilled that my daughter is with The Lord.  I have a new view of life and death that Faith has taught me.  She never knew fear.  She never knew pain.  All she knew and will ever know is love.  

In a way, I suppose, I am a little envious of her because of that.  Although, on the other side, living on earth gives me a new perspective of being saved.  While everyone has been through their own experiences, mine have taught me that life on this earth includes many things: joy, pain, tears, love, learning, death, etc...  Going through the good and bad in my life has made me more thankful for my salvation.  After all, being saved means that you have to be saved from something, or in most peoples' case, a lot of somethings.  :-)

While I do not understand what exactly will happen when I face leaving this earthly body, I also know now, that I am no longer afraid of death.  I pray that I will live a long and healthy life, as I am sure we all do.  However, when I'm 80  or 90 and my time has come, I will not fight, but be thrilled to go home and hold my baby forever.  I look forward to Faith giving me a tour of Heaven.

As I continue my journey on this earth, I know I will continue to grow and learn.  I also know that my daughter will continue to teach me things every day.  Faith will continue to remind me how different and wonderful each part of me is: spirit, soul, and body.  For that, I am grateful.





Saturday, July 19, 2014

Lay in Bed

Ever since Faith went to Heaven, I have felt like laying in bed and crying all day every day.  However, this is something that I simply cannot do.  If you have lost a child, you know what I mean.  Sometimes getting out of bed is a huge feat.  Taking a shower makes me feel accomplished some days.

I know that everyone's loss experience is different.  However, there is one thing that is the same, the grief is immense.  You can fill all of your time during the day to keep your mind occupied.  That has helped me a lot during the day.

However, when the day is through, then comes the night...in more ways than one.  My mind slows down for the day and I cannot stop myself from thinking of Faith.  I love her more than life itself.  I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms everyday.  But, I cannot.  That is reality.

The reality is that every day I feel like staying in bed every day and being depressed.  But for my sake, my husband's sake, Faith's sake, I simply cannot and must not do that.  Faith's life must be a blessing and a light for others as long as I am on this earth.

Is it difficult, YES.  Is it depressing, ABSOLUTELY.  But the bottom line is this, all of us that have experienced this great loss, MUST not stay in bed.  We must reach out to others in need.  Love people, help people, share with people.

How Common

I am blown away by how many people experience the loss of a child daily.  I had NO idea.  I'll be honest, it's not something that I'd ever thought of before I personally experienced it in my own life.  Just think of the things that need to line up for a woman to get pregnant, then add on top of that the huge list of things that can go wrong after that.  There are so many things that happen, some we know about and can prevent or lessen the likelihood of these issues.

Sometimes, there is no explanation for the loss of a child.  I understand what happened to my body that caused the loss of my baby girl.  I can't imagine losing a child and not having an explanation.  I believe as humans, we are made to need some sort of closure.

The movie Return to Zero made it's Lifetime debut one month and two days after Faith went to Heaven.  I am SO thankful for all of the people involved in making this movie.  It is a very difficult movie to watch.  However, it is good to watch for healing.  Minnie Driver expresses the emotions that one goes through in losing a child, extremely well.

If you know someone who has lost a child, ask them about their child.  Don't think by not talking about their child that they are not thinking of them.  Believe me, if someone has lost a child, they think about their child every moment of every day.  They most likely WANT you to ask about their child.  I love talking about Faith.  She is my sunshine, my pride and joy.  I want to share her beautiful life with the world.

There are SO may people who have lost their baby or babies.  Ask them about their child.  They will be thrilled to tell you about them.  Ask what you can do to help honor their child.  It will help you and it will help them to know that you are acknowledging the life of their baby.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Ways to Remember

Since Faith is not here with me, I have tried to find as many items to use as remembrances of her.  I am so honored to have been able to get her inked hand prints and foot prints at the hospital.  The picture on the left is a heart shaped pendant that I had made by My Forever Child .  It turned out better than I could have imagined.  I also had a bracelet made from the same place (center).  The picture on the right is a signet ring with Forget Me Not flowers on the sides that I ordered from deSignet International .  

While I am very aware that my daughter is in Heaven, I also know that I need to have mementos that constantly remind me of her.  She is and will always be my precious Faith Melody.  

I have experienced a tremendous amount of grief and pain from losing my baby girl.  I know that I will forever collect jewelry with her name now.  Somehow wearing this kind of jewelry makes me think of her and feel as though she is closer to me in some way.  

I believe that everyone grieves in different ways.  For me, I know that having ways to remember my daughter around me has been a great help to me.  

What has been a help to you as you have gone through situations where you have needed to grieve?

Thursday, July 17, 2014

What If...?

I can sit for hours thinking of different scenarios.  What if the doctors would have done a C-section the day before?  What if I would have done something different?  What if the doctors would have seen my complication sooner?  What if this...  What if that...

My husband and I have a saying: "This is the what if".  Those things are NOT what happened.  THIS is what happened.  This is the life we live.  It is so easy for me to question everything surrounding losing Faith, thinking it is my fault, doctors' fault, someone's fault.  The bottom line is this, everyone did all they could.  I did nothing wrong.  

What if, instead of thinking "what if", I use my experience to help others.  Faith lives in Heaven now.  She is not here to express her love to the world.  It is my honor to be her mother and share her love with you.  That is what she would want me to do, so WHAT IF I do that?

THIS is the what if.  

WHAT IF Faith's life can be used to help others going through the despair of losing a child?
WHAT IF every day I  decide to honor Faith by sharing her story instead of being depressed?
WHAT IF I miss Faith more every day, but along with that, my love for her grows more each day as well?
WHAT IF you read this post and decide to reach out to someone else going through pain?
WHAT IF somehow I can turn losing Faith into making myself a better person for the world?
WHAT IF Faith's life can lead someone to Salvation?

WHAT IF...



Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Stormy Weather

It has been storming here most of the day today.  I have been inside most of the day after coffee and a walk at a local park (more like a beautiful rain forest/swamp).  Thus far, I feel very accomplished, as I have done some laundry, put away a lot of clothes, and am working on matching and putting away sheets, pillow cases, and blankets.  I've also been setting things aside that we do not need so that we can bless someone else with those items.

As I have been getting some much needed things done in the house today, I am realizing that I am having a pretty good day overall.  I attribute a large part of my good day today to the storms we are having.  I really enjoy the storms here during the summer.  Having lived the last 4 1/2 years in the northwest, thunderstorms are something that I really missed.  Florida thunderstorms are amazing for a lot of reasons...the lightning, the thunder, the loud sound of the torrential rain hitting the roof and windows, etc.  They can be loud, but the sound of the rain is also another thing, very peaceful and comforting.  It is great to fall asleep to the sound of a storm.

As I take a break from housework to reflect and write, I understand a very important thing about life that I am experiencing today.  Although I am in the midst of a very large storm, God is giving me comfort and peace, that only He can.  While I am experiencing the immense pain of losing Faith, He is surrounding me with His love and guarding me from this storm.  I don't believe that you ever "get over" losing a child. However, I know that God will continue to give me strength, comfort, and peace, as I face the storms that life can pose.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

3 Months

It was 3 months ago today that Faith was born and went home to be with The Lord.  Although I think of her almost constantly daily, the 15th of the month is different for me.  Off and on throughout today I have looked at my watch and thought of where I was and what was happening 3 months ago at that time.  

I frequently replay what happened that morning in my head.  It is as fresh as if it happened yesterday.  It may always be that way.  I do not know.    I am not really sure how to describe how I feel most days.  It is almost as if I wake up every day, feeling as though she left the day before.  

I've read from a lot of bereaved mothers on Facebook groups, blogs, etc, that talk about their grief and pain regarding their loss(es).  The loss of Faith is relatively new to me, so it is difficult to compare to someone who experienced a loss years ago.  However, one thing that I have continued to hear is that it doesn't get easier, you just learn to cope or live in a "new normal".  

In the past few months, I can attest to that fact being accurate.  I can tell that it is getting easier for me to live with (as if I have a choice), sometimes...on the total opposite side of that coin, each day that passes is one more day that I have gone without my daughter, one more day of wondering what we'd be doing if she were here, one more day of remembering, one more day of crying, one more day of heart ache, one more day...

With each day that passes, I love my daughter, my Faith Melody, so much more than the day before.  It is interesting to me how "they" say that time heals all wounds.  I have news for "them", they are wrong.  It seems to me to be the complete opposite for me.  With each passing day, this hole in my heart grows as I miss more of what I would be doing with my daughter.

I miss and love you with all my heart, my Faith Melody.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Silence

As I am sitting here in my living room, I begin thinking of the things I need to get done in the house today.  I can hear the thunder, cars, and other various noises.  However, the sound I am listening to in my home right now is silence.

While a lot of people enjoy silence, me being one of them, sometimes, like now, the silence is so loud it is almost deafening.  Faith is not here crying to let us know that she is hungry or needs to be changed.  She is not here cooing and "talking" to us as she laughs and smiles.

As the days go by, I am learning that the more I learn, the less I know.  One thing that I do know is the pain of losing my only child.  I am baffled still by how fast you can be the happiest person in the world, waiting for the arrival of the girl you love the most, and in a moment's time, your world ceases to turn by learning that your child has died.  As I reflect back to that moment, although there were a lot of noises surrounding me, I was filled with complete silence.

My heart hurts more each time I hear of someone else going through this loss.  Recently, a couple of my lady friends shared with me that they have lost children as well.  I grieve for them too.  I know the pain they have experienced and will continue to go through for the rest of their lives.  I know for certain, that they, and anyone else who has lost a child sits in silence at times and asks themselves, what is my child doing?  what do they sound like?  what do they look like?  what does it feel to hold them in my arms?

In the midst of this silence, pain, and tears, I can almost hear my baby girl telling me she is just fine and not to worry, as we will be together again soon.  As I grieve for Faith, I must continue to remember that she wants me to be happy and enjoy the remainder of my life on this earth.

If you are going through this tremendous loss, keep that in the forefront of your mind.  Your child/children want/s you to be happy and enjoy your life on earth too.  I know it is hard.  Most likely one of the hardest things you do is to get out of bed in the morning.  I know.  But you have to keep going.  Your child is in Heaven with mine.  They want us to do something good for someone else today.  Reach out to help someone and do it for your child.  Buy someone a sandwich or a cup of coffee, smile at a stranger, encourage a friend, etc...Remember and honor your child by helping others.  We can all bless others in some way.  What are you good at?  Share your talent with others and let them know about your child/children today.  This will help you to honor your child and to break the silence of child loss.  It WILL help you on your journey, trust me.

Please, remember that you need to have, and embrace, these moments of silence to grieve, pray, remember, cry, etc...But follow your times of silence by blessing someone else in honor of your child.  While these times of silence are difficult, and will always be, I am sure, I can know that after my silent time is over, I will honor Faith by blessing someone else.  In this way, she is helping to break the silence for me.  How will you break your silence today?  Please share!

Sunday, July 13, 2014

My Best Gift

Since Faith went home to be with The Lord, I have begun to find some healing in many things.  One of these things so far has been writing.  I wrote this poem not long ago.  Re-reading and reflecting has aided me tremendously as well, as I have re-read the poem a number of times.  I pray it will be a blessing to you as you may be going through grief as well.

In Love to Faith Melody Bryant

During the day staying busy
is a good help to get me through

But then my thoughts slow down in the evening
and that's when I think of you

As pain fills my heart
the tears begin to drift

I truly know what it means
to give God my greatest gift

Although you are not here with me now
to play along the shore

When my time on earth is through
I'll come to Heaven where we'll be together forever more

by Sara Bryant – 06.18.14


This poem has helped me in a number of ways.  I believe that writing things down holds a lot of power, first of all.  Second, it really made me reflect on Faith and what she means to me.  Writing this poem also gives me an insight into my feelings, emotions, and beliefs.  Faith going home to be with The Lord has given me a new revelation of life in general.  I have re-thought so much of what I believe, how I live, etc... since April 15, 2014.  Not to say that what I believed or lived prior to Faith leaving was wrong by any means.   However, when I am forced to re-evaluate my life due to the situations that come my way, I must see the positive and ways that I can help others through the pain that I am enduring.

This poem expresses how I feel in that I have given God my greatest gift.  I have no other way to describe Faith besides my greatest gift.  While I did not give her willingly, I refuse to let the enemy steal her from me. I know that the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy.  So in order to combat that, I have purposed in my heart, that while God did not kill my precious baby, I give her to Him as my best gift.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Being a Mother...The Hard Way

This morning, my friend Gary, posted a saying on Facebook.  Here is what it says:
"A person who loses a partner is called a widow.  A child who loses a parent is called an orphan.  But there is no word to describe a parent that loses a child, because the loss is like no other."  I'm not sure who wrote this, but it rings so true to me today and every day.  

As I contemplate this saying, in the strangest way, I realize that I am a mother.  While Faith is in Heaven, I am still and will always be her mommy.  She is still my daughter and nothing can ever change that.  I think about what traditional moms do on a daily basis: change, feed, hold, play, teach, love, etc...with their child/children.

As I ponder all the things that a "traditional" mom does with her child daily, I am reminded of a saying that my Dad uses: "I learn something new every day."  This is a saying that I've quoted many times and truly believe to be true.  I am thankful that he not only taught me that, but also lives by it.  

On that note, here is one thing I am learning today.  I am realizing today, that I am truly Faith's mother.  All the things that a "traditional" mom does every day, I do these things too, but I do them in my heart.  While you do not see my daughter with me, know for certain that I wake up every morning and hold, teach, play, change, feed, and love my daughter in my heart all day everyday.  

There are many differences between my motherhood and that of those who have not lost a child, obviously. Since Faith is my only child, I only have my experience raising her.  I can only imagine that the journey I have raising her is the hardest for any mother.  Not that I think raising a child/children on earth is easy, because I don't think it is.  But the feeling that parents have when their child could hurt themselves or when they drive away and you are not sure if they'll be ok...that is the feeling that I live with in my heart every moment of every day.  Physical Heart Ache.  

Friday, July 11, 2014

"Good Morning Baby Girl"

"Good morning baby girl."  That's how I start my morning every day.  I don't know how else to start it.  I don't know how many times a day that I talk to Faith during the day (out-loud or in my head); many more than I can count.  I can't help but think constantly of what we would be doing if Faith were here with us...where would we be, we'd be holding her, changing her, playing with her, etc...

When I see other children, especially little girls, I can't help but have a tug at my heart.  They are all so beautiful.  They are such a blessing, a gift from God.  Please love and care for your children.  God has given you the most precious gift. 

While I understand that many many people love and care for their child/children, what I've been through makes me see life in such a new way.  Life on this earth is relatively short.  If you live into your 70's, that is still pretty short.  Tell your loved ones that you love them, today.  You may not have the chance tomorrow.

While out to eat the other day, there was a couple with a small baby boy and the waitress asked them his age.  Their response was that he is a week old.  I was pondering this short conversation today, and realized that their response was "normal", but for me that is not a correct response.  Actually, we are all older than we say we are, depending on how long our mother carried us in her womb.  Although even with today's technology, we still cannot pinpoint the precise point of conception, it is at that time, or from our calculation of that time, that life begins.  Faith was 24 weeks and 2 days old, period. 

I know without a doubt that Faith knew and knows that I love her with all of my heart,.  However, she is not here for me to tell, not here for me to hold.  I truly enjoyed being pregnant with Faith.  Ultra-sounds were amazing.  She always moved around so much when we went in for them.  She also smiled and waved to us.  Although she is not here with me now, I did get to have the time that I had with her and for that, I am thankful.  Once she grew big enough for me to feel, I felt the love in every move and kick.  To date, giving Faith life has been one of the most amazing parts of my life.  

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Introduction / Dedication

This blog is dedicated to my beautiful daughter, Faith Melody Bryant.  While she is now in the arms of The Lord, she will continue to live in my heart until the glorious day we meet again.  It is my prayer and goal to have her life help others in any way possible.  For me, this can mean helping those who've lost babies/children by being able to read my story of Faith and her beautiful life.

Since sharing my story about Faith, I've already had the honor of experiencing others being able to grieve their losses.  My Grandma has gotten markers for the graves of her 2 babies after I shared with her about Faith.  It breaks my heart that she didn't get to do that before, but I am thankful that she has done so and been able to have that to grieve and remember while she is still here.

As I reflect back to the day she was born, which happens to also be the day she went to Heaven, it is as clear, if not clearer, than most of my days have been since.  The week after she left, I remember, but it is a bit of a blur.  Family came to visit and show love and support.  For that I am grateful.  I have since realized that not everyone who's gone through this experience has family or has family that is able to drop everything to come be supportive.  

It has been such a blessing to be able to share with others who've experienced similar via blogs, Facebook, etc...  While some may think that talking about their experience or their child would make it more difficult, I have found the opposite to be true.  I've also found the movie Return to Zero to be very helpful.  While this experience has been the most dreadful of my life, I must continue to remember that The Lord gives me strength and courage to be able to keep going each moment of each day.

This begins the sharing of my story of Faith.  It is my story of Love, Loss, and Healing.  She is and always be My Faith Melody.