Today's Capture Your Grief topic is Self Portrait. This is an interesting topic I think. It forces us to search ourselves and who we are today; looking through the experience of losing our child. Today, I am taking this topic question by question...just to change it up a bit. Here I go!
Q: Who am I now in this present moment?
A: I can honestly say that I am Sara Bryant, happy wife, happy mom, happy daughter, happy sister, happy niece, happy cousin...I guess I can truly say that I am happy again. I didn't think I would be able to be happy again after losing Faith, but I am. I know that she wants me to be happy and enjoy my life, so I do. I love making jewelry. I love raising Joy. I love my husband. I really like living in the sun. God has given me so much and I am so thankful.
Q: Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of my child?
A: Absolutely, yes. I have been forever changed by Faith's death. I will miss her until the day we meet again in Heaven. I will grieve her until the same moment. However, although I have been irrevocably changed negatively from Faith's death, I have also been positively changed. I cherish life and moments and people so much more than I did before. I understand that so much stuff simply does NOT matter. I try to help others as much as I can. I am trying to actually DO the things I have wanted to do in my life instead of just talking about doing them. I don't want to wake up years from now and wonder what I did with my life. I do my best to live to love others; the God-kind of love. I believe this is the best way I can honor Faith's memory and keep her alive in my heart.
Q: How am I different now?
A: Please refer to the last question and answer.
Q: Do I love anything about the new me?
A: Absolutely! I love how much I love now. In some strange way, losing Faith has given me such a great capacity to love. I think it is because I now have a true revelation of how precious and short life is that I try to love others as much as I can. I also have a new found motivation to do the things I truly want to do in my life. I have talked about doing some things for a long time instead of doing them. I am more motivated to do these things now and I love that.
Q: What part of me do I want back?
A: Hmmm...the obvious answer here would be Faith. However, I know that is not what this question is asking. I guess I would have to say my rose-colored glasses through which I used to view the world. I would like my ability to view pregnancy as purely a wonderful time versus having a lingering fear. I think that is what I want back the most. Although, when I was pregnant with Joy, most of the time I really did just enjoy her and being pregnant, there were times I was terrified.
I am using 2 pictures of myself to make my self portrait. I believe these 2 pictures capture who I am today very well. One is a picture of me happy smelling Faith's hibiscus flower in our backyard, symbolizing how she is always with me. The other is with me, Owen, and Joy. These 2 pictures combine to show who I am today.