Remembering & Celebrating - 1 Year of Blogging

One year ago today I started this blog to honor Faith Melody Bryant.  I cannot believe it has been a year already.  In the past year, I have felt emotions I never knew I could feel.  My love and relationship have both grown for Faith in ways I never could have expected possible.  I love and miss her so very much, but I take some comfort in knowing that I will be with her again...

In the meantime, I do my best to honor her in any way that I can...

...A few nights ago, I made myself a beautiful bracelet that has the names of both of my baby girls: Faith and Joy.  It turned out just beautifully and I am so thrilled with it.

This morning was a difficult morning for me.  I thought a lot about Faith and missed her very much, and cried quite a bit.  Sometimes I just need to spend time with her and that is the only way that I am able to do so.

Wearing this bracelet is a wonderful way for me to be able to remember Faith and celebrate both Faith and Joy.  Plus, if others notice it and ask about it, it is a great way to strike up a conversation about both of my beautiful daughters.

I know I will continue to make jewelry in honor of Faith as long as I am able.  I have some ideas in the works for creating more pieces that include both of my daughters.  I am thrilled to be able to do so, as it is a hobby I really enjoy, and a way to honor, remember, and celebrate both Faith and Joy!

Scared

Over the last 8 months, I have loved being pregnant with Joy.  I cannot believe she will be born in about 6 weeks or less.  There have been so many emotions and feelings that have been inside me during this pregnancy.  

Most of the time, I am beyond thrilled, and extremely happy.  However, there are a few times that I have been scared and a small part of me still is...but not for the reason(s) most people would think...

I am not scared to give birth, of the pain, of any of that part.  That may be crazy, but that doesn't scare me.

I am scared that Joy will look like Faith.  I am scared that Joy will not look like Faith.  I am scared that as I hold Joy in my arms I will miss Faith more than I already do now.  I am scared that I as we leave the hospital with Joy, the feeling that I failed Faith will come back all the more.  

I am scared that as I have my "firsts" with Joy, my heart will miss all the "firsts" I will never have with Faith.  I am scared that as I love Joy it will make me miss Faith all the more.  I don't know if that makes any sense at all at this point, but for some reason that is how I feel right now and it makes sense to me.

I know that Joy will literally be our pride and joy.  I thank God for blessing us with both Faith and Joy.  Joy is moving around as I write this, and feeling her makes me so happy.

I will always think of Faith and wonder how she would be, what she would look like, what we'd be doing if she were here.  I know that as I love and watch Joy grow, I will always have a place in my heart that will long for her sister.

Despite being so happy and loving Joy, I know that part of me will always be a bit scared...

Reflections on my View from the Waiting Room

Yesterday, I posted about my view from the waiting room at the hospital.  As I think back on that moment in time (as I am sure I will continue to do for a long time), I wonder what view the other people who were there had of the same scene...

At first glance, the mother holding her newborn son seemed to have a great view...however, she could have experienced a loss prior to him and by just looking at her yesterday, I would not know...

The other people in the waiting room...based on what was said by one gentleman that the guy pushing the wheelchair of the mother having a "fun job", I would guess that he is ignorant to the other side of this man's job when he must push down a mother who is leaving without her child.

There were others in the waiting room with me, and I cannot help but wonder what they were thinking and feeling during this moment in time.  Without talking to them, there is really no way to know.  I know that even though I was holding back tears, no one except me knew that and they wouldn't have known why unless I conversed with them, which I did not.

I guess my point is simply that I have no way of knowing if anyone else there had experienced a loss similar to mine or not.  As I go about my everyday life, I will try to remember that as I honor Faith. You never know what someone has just gone through when you come across someone...in traffic, in the grocery store, at work, anywhere.  

I often think of that sad day when my husband and I came home from the hospital without Faith.  To an onlooker, we were just two people riding in a car, stopping to get something to eat at the drive-through  If you were not our close friends or family, just by viewing us, you would have no idea what we had just been through and were going through at the time.  I do my best to live my life this way now, in honor of Faith.  

Keep that in mind as you go about your day.

View from the Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital to see my MFM specialist earlier today.  There were quite a few people in the waiting room.  As we were waiting, a man wheeled a Mom & her newborn boy down & stopped to wait for their car to pull up. A lady was with them pushing a cart of the Mom's belongings & gifts that were sent for them.

I had to fight back tears as they sat there. Memories of leaving the hospital last April without Faith flooded me.  Someone in the waiting room made a comment that the guy pushing the Mom's wheelchair has a fun job. I thought to myself, yeah, I guess most of the time, yes, he has a fun job.  I was once again reminded of a time when I too, was ignorant of what sometimes happens.

Part of me wanted to tell that Mom how blessed she is. Part of me wanted to break down. Then our Princess, Joy gave me a kick & I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with love & smile.  As I looked at this woman & her precious newborn leaving the hospital, I knew that will be me in 7 weeks or less & I am thrilled beyond belief.  

This pregnancy has been quite an interesting mix of feelings & emotions, but ultimately, it has been one of the most amazing times of my life thus far and I look forward to Joy being born so much so I can hold her in my arms.

Going About My Day with Faith & Joy

I have been getting some things done around the house today.  I have thought quite a bit about Faith today also.  Although I know she is in Heaven now, I frequently feel as though she is with me also.  As I feel Joy moving and kicking now, as I am now 4 days into week 29 of my pregnancy with her, it seems as though they are both with me.

I see Faith in the beauty of nature, the soft breeze on my face, the warm sun shining, and the mighty sound of the ocean.  I feel Faith in my everyday life, as I strive to live as I know she would want me to live...sharing a smile, a kind gesture, a helping hand.  She put tiny foot prints and hand prints in my heart that will never ever go away.  No matter what anyone sees or thinks, she made me a Mommy.  

I am reminded of an article I read awhile back that discusses how when a woman is pregnant she shares genes with her baby and vice versa.  In this way, I know that Faith is and will always be a part of me, and in some way, because of that, she will be part of Joy as well.

I can't wait to tell Joy about Faith someday.  I know it will be quite awhile before Joy is old enough to understand, but someday she will know about her older sister.

I am honored to carry Faith in my heart as I live the rest of my life on this earth.  I thank God for her. She helps me every day, and will until the day I leave this earth.  I am honored that Joy will one day know she has an older sister in Heaven and understand how special that is as well.  

As I continue going about my chores for the day, today, I know that both Faith and Joy are with me. They are not with me in the same way, but both in their own special way.  I cannot describe the love and pain that I feel at the same time, except to say that I know without so much love, there would not be so much pain.  

Looking back at the day Faith went home to be with The Lord, I can now see that I was in a state of shock and disbelief.  I believe this is something that was put inside humans to aid us in the days following such a loss.  However, as time has gone by, it seems that as the shock has gone away, and I now realize what happened and that has actually made the pain greater.  I guess that may always be the case for me.  Only time will tell.  I do know that no matter where this life takes me, I will always wonder what Faith would look like today, what she would be doing, what she would be saying, how she would be...

What'll I Do?

As with many times lately, in the evening, yesterday, I turned on the Golden Girls (surprise to anyone who knows me, right?).  I frequently put the Golden Girls on and make jewelry or relax of an evening.

On one of the Golden Girls episodes, Dorothy sings a song called What'll I Do by Irvin Berlin.  It really touched me and made me think of Faith.  I just sat and cried and missed my baby girl.  I know that I will never stop missing her until the day we meet again.  Sometimes my emotions of missing her just creep up on me and there is no stopping them, but I think that is good.  The lyrics that really touch me are when it says: "What'll I do with just a photograph, To tell my troubles to? When I'm alone, With only dreams of you, That won't come true, What'll I do?'

I will always dream of you my precious Faith Melody.  I love and miss you with all of my heart.  

Here are the lyrics:
Gone is the romance that was so divine.
'tis broken and cannot be mended.
You must go your way,
And I must go mine.
But now that our love dreams have ended...

What'll I do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?

What'll I do?
When I am wond'ring who
Is kissing you

What'll I do?
What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?


Songwriters: IRVING BERLIN

Reflections of Mother's Day

I had a very good Mother's Day this year. My parents were visiting, so I was blessed to be able to share Mother's Day with my mother.  It was very nice.  

My wonderful husband gave me a very special card, beautiful roses and a very beautiful charm with Faith's name and birthday for one of my charm bracelets.  

I am so excited to be pregnant with Joy, so it was very nice to celebrate Mother's Day for her.  At the same time, I am certain that Mother's Day will always be a bittersweet day for me.  Faith Melody will always be my first daughter, the beautiful girl who made me a mother.  I love and miss you baby girl.