Capture Your Grief - Day 1 - Sunrise

I have decided to take part in Capture Your Grief created by Carly Marie.  You can see more information about the project here: Capture Your Grief - October 2014.  I think this will give me a great opportunity to explore my grief, as well as share my story and experience with others going through similar grief.  

This project is for the entire month of October.  I am purposing in my heart to use this wonderful opportunity for my daily blog posts.

Day 1 - Sunrise

I was driving this morning when the sun came up here (approx. 7:20 am Eastern Time), so I could not really see the sunrise this morning.  The fact that it was cloudy and rainy did not help the matter either.  But, regardless, I was able to enjoy the beauty of creation and did get to get a nice picture of some brilliant blue sky with some clouds and trees.  

I frequently find myself looking to the clouds more often these days, as I, of course, picture Heaven as beyond the clouds.  I see Faith in the clouds and in all of the beauty of creation now.  For some, this may not make sense, but it makes perfect sense to me.  I see the beauty of the creation we see on earth: clouds, trees, oceans, etc...and realize that we are all creations and should be seen as the beautiful creation that we are.

As I think about looking at nature, in particular, the sunrise/sky, I am reminded that Faith did not get to see a sunrise here or look at the sky. While this saddens me beyond measure, I along with that, also remember Who she saw when she first opened her eyes, and it is There, that I find my Peace.

I will continue to look to the skies until one day I go to be with my daughter again.  Until then, when I see the sunrise, I will smile, close my eyes, take a deep breath and see my baby girl.

Faith's Heartbeat Bracelet - Priceless

I created this beautiful pink bracelet by adding a printout of Faith's heartbeat.  Her heartbeat here is shown at 146 bpm and it is so beautiful to me.

The longer I am here the more I realize how precious life truly is and that we MUST cherish the time we are given.  I am so thankful that we have the ultrasound with this picture of Faith's heartbeat.  

I know that as I keep creating, each piece will continue to get better and better.  However, although I know I will get better at making these keepsakes and the quality will continue to get better, I know that in my heart, some of the most precious ones I'll have are the first ones I have made, like this one and the one with Faith's footprints and other information from the day and time she was born (right).

I needed to create these "prototypes" to get my business rollling and I am very pleased at how they turned out.  Although I have a LOT more ideas of keepsakes I will make for myself using items that are special to me from other people/relatives, to me, these two bracelets hold a piece of my daughter, are the heart and soul of my business, and are PRICELESS.

I am currently thinking of some other new ideas for my business and am thrilled to be blessed with the creative ideas that Faith is blessing me with, so that I may share them with others.

Please come by my new store here: Faith Melody Memories and let me know what you think.  I would love feedback, input, and ideas.

THAT is Love

Today as I was driving, I was listening to a Hillsong CD and this song came on. 

Although I really enjoy listening to Hillsong, I do not remember if I have heard this song or not, or if I have, it has been quite a while since I have heard it.

Regardless, it is a beautiful song and it brought me to tears.  It struck a strong chord in my heart, that I do not believe I have experienced before. I had a new view of God, that I hadn't really thought too much about before.  If I love Faith more than life, how must God have felt to WILLINGLY give His only Son for us?  I ached for God as I listened to this song.

Then, as I kept listening, I realized how much love He has for me (all the world).  Of course I knew that before, but as I listened to this song today, I heard it with my heart and not my head.

Losing Faith has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life. I have never felt pain and aching in my heart and arms as I do now.  I cannot know what God felt when he sent us His son, but having lost my baby girl, and hearing this song with my heart, I can truly begin to understand.

Somehow, in the midst of my darkest days, while experiencing some of the most painful times, I felt more love today than I can explain.  In my loss, I have a greater understanding of God's love for me and what He gave for me.

What do you feel when you listen to this song?

Reflections in the Mirror

Let me begin this post by stating that Faith has my husband's bone structure in her face as well as his strong drummer legs, so please know that she looks like him.  I am focusing this post on my personal feelings when I see myself in the mirror, but I wanted to make it very clear that she looks like my husband as well as me.

I frequently look at myself in the mirror.  I guess we all do...getting ready, doing my hair, makeup, looking at my outfits, etc...

But the reflection looking back at me in the mirror has changed.  I now wear the loss of my only child in my eyes.  I look into my own eyes and see a different me.

But when I look at my face, and cannot help but see my daughter.  It is very strange, but somehow very comforting and peaceful at the same time.  I just imagine that she looks like me.  I can almost say that I love looking at my face in an odd way, not for any other reason, except that I see Faith there.

I miss my baby girl more than I can say.  But I I know that part of her still lives in me and I see her...every time I see my reflection.

Faith Melody Memories - Momentos Update

I am proud to announce that I have created my prototype (a bracelet for me) of one customized bracelet like what I will have for sale (made to order) in my new Etsy store soon.  I am thrilled about being able to create this type of momento for people.  Any thoughts and suggestions would be appreciated.  I hope to have another one done soon, but I am brainstorming how I want to do the second one...

The bracelet has Faith's footprints as well as her name, date and time of birth, as well as her measurements.  I know this is something I will be able to treasure and wear for many years to come.  

I plan to be making other special bracelets, as well as earrings and pendants similar to these soon. 

I will be working to get my new Etsy store up and running soon, so I will have that information available ASAP.  In the meantime, I'll keep brainstorming new ways to honor loved ones with these pieces of jewelry.

In honor of our precious daughter, my new business will carry her name...Faith Melody Memories.

Stuffed Animals

Yes, I am a 33 year old woman, who now sleeps with a teddy bear. The teddy bear you see in the picture in this post, to be precise.

I have been resting on my bed this evening, cuddling with the new stuffed dog that my husband gave me for our anniversary.  He has given me quite a number of stuffed animals over the years for different holidays/occasions.

This past Christmas, my husband gave me a stuffed Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and Woodstock (really they were for Faith).  I have really enjoyed receiving a vast array of different stuffed animals.  

Earlier while we were watching a movie, I was thinking of the comfort that I have found in holding my stuffed animals.  It may sound strange, but indeed, it is not, to me.  For anyone who has lost a loved one, especially, a child that is supposed to be in your arms, you know that the there is a real physical ache you feel of not having that person in your arms.

For me, being able to hold some of my stuffed animals has helped immensely.  

The teddy bear that I sleep with, is the one that the hospital had beside Faith the day she was born. Outside of the outfit I dressed her in, that teddy bear is one of the few items that we are blessed to have.  I have read so many posts on Facebook about people that have lost a child and have no pictures, hand and foot prints, or anything tangible.  That makes me so thankful that we have the items that we do have.

While I am very aware that this teddy bear is not my daughter, that does't mean I don't call the teddy bear Faith.  My Faith teddy bear is one of the most precious things I now own.  Holding this teddy bear brings me more comfort than I can explain, physically, as well as emotionally.  

Anniversary

Yesterday was my husband and my 9 year wedding anniversary.  We had a really great day.  We went out to eat at a lovely Japanese Steakhouse.  It was very nice.  When we got home, we exchanged cards and he gave me roses, a beautiful bracelet, and a stuffed animal.  We also got a movie to watch. I had a very good day and am so thrilled to be able to celebrate 9 years of wonderful marriage.

In the midst of celebrating our 9th anniversary, there was the tug at my heart, that Faith was not here with us to celebrate.  It is becoming more real day by day that she is gone, along with the fact that in every celebration/event, there will forever be a girl missing.  While I am starting to get to a place where I am beginning to recognize some of myself again, I also realize that I am not recognizing my "old self", but a completely new person; one who is broken, but blessed, lost, but loved, scarred, but sacred.

As always, as I live my day to day life, Faith is, and will forever be with me.  She is in my heart, soul, and mind in everything that I do.  I love her more today than I did the day before, as I will continue to until I hold her again in Heaven.  In my celebration of 9 years of marriage with my wonderful husband, we both know that somehow, Faith is here with us, saying "Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad, I love you."  I know this for certain, because I know me and I know my husband.  We have so much love for Faith, so I know she is celebrating our anniversary in Heaven and holding us in her heart as we hold her in ours.