This Pain

This pain that I feel in my heart will never go away.  There are times that I am able to push it to the back of my mind and do my best to focus on other things.  However, in everyday life, as I do everyday tasks, or as I relax and try to enjoy the day or evening, something triggers my heart and the pain is back and the tears begin to fall.

I've heard of others' pain that cuts like a knife.  This is not accurate to describe the pain I feel in my heart. This pain is as if someone is digging my heart out with a spoon.  The ache is constant.  I put on a mask during the day to appear normal and complete what must be done.  But it is only a mask.  I fear I will wear this mask until the day that I go to Heaven.

Please do not get me wrong.  I do enjoy things in life again.  For awhile after losing Faith I did not think I would, nor did I want to.  But I do feel joy/happiness and enjoy things.  It is just so much different than before.  It is as though this pain co-inhabits my joy.  Although I have fun in life, this pain is always here.

I never got to see my daughter's beautiful eyes or hear her cry or coo.  I don't know what her favorite color is or her favorite food.  I never got to brush and do her hair, show her how to put on makeup and jewelry, or pick out her dress for the prom.  I never got to teach her the alphabet, to count, to cook, to clean, to make her bed, how to pray, etc, etc, etc...

I have a physical pain that I can only describe as the need to be holding my baby girl, yet I cannot.  My arms actually ache for her.  Something created inside me needs to hold her in my arms next to my heart.

As I sit here in tears wondering what we would be doing if Faith were here, I understand the love that a mother has for her child.  I have never felt such pain in my heart, but mixed with this pain, is also the most love I have ever felt in my heart.  I know I will continue to love Faith more with each passing day.  Along with this growing love, there will forever be...

...this pain...